Worried Patriot

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My grandparents were immigrants. My grandfather ran a deli in St.
Louis for most of his life (after starting out sweeping up and washing
dishes in one. He served in WW2, which was scary because of what his
family had fled to come to America. The Jewish cemetery where he is
buried was just vandalized in a horrible way that made national news.
Headstones were topped and many defaced with swastikas and
horrible horrible slogans.

 

For a long time I was willing to give our new
President a chance, even though I didn’t vote for him. But now my
eyes have been opened wide in a brutal way. The number of hate
crimes is up, weekly there are rashes of bomb scares called in to
Jewish community centers, and people seem to feel emboldened to act
in anti-Semitic ways with impunity. My friends and neighbors joined
hundred of other volunteers to clean and rectify the cemetery but we
were all left shaken. We were grateful to have other volunteers join us
from different faith communities, both those who are also targeted for
hate crimes and others who would be safe even if the country goes as
badly as the Germany my grandparents fled. I’m too old to run for
office and I doubt I would be very good at it. But how can I help
educate people about how bad things feel like they’re headed?

Worried Patriot

 
Dear Worried Patriot:

You are certainly not alone. Even before the election many progressive
groups were commenting on the rise of the “alt-right” which is to some
at least a fancy name to conceal a very old and dangerous set of social
beliefs, beliefs that have cost many millions of Jews their lives in the
last century alone. Those commentators were dismissed as partisan
politicos at the time, but in the months since November the chorus of
those writing about these issues has grown, and media networks as
politically diverse as The Huffington Post and Fox News have observed
the phenomenon with increasing concern and voice. I agree, this is a
matter that goes far past party or religion.

 
I’m a strong believer in local action. You may be too old to run for
office but your own family’s experience is a story worth telling. It
shouldn’t take you long to identify local groups who are as worried as
you are. If your synagogue has a Tikkun Olam or Social Justice
Committee, start by asking there. Or post something on a social media
site asking about groups in your area where you could attend to talk
over your concerns and learn how to take action. I’m not talking about
armed self-defense. I’m talking about talking, sign making, letter
writing, phone calling, and petitions signing as simple starting places.
There are places to sign up that will send you emails detailing whom to
call about what issues, and will provide phone numbers and info on the
issues. Make sure your synagogue is reaching out to other religious
groups, from mosques to churches, to change local culture and make it
unwelcoming to hate.

 
Retired or working, decide how much time you can devote each week
to making sure your grandchildren aren&'t fighting the same battles, in
America or another country.

Fear of Flying

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband and I are headed out on a vacation. Just in the US thank
God so we don’t have to deal with all the hassles of passports,
customs, etc. But neither of us likes to fly (as in my husband threw up
in the bag before takeoff last time) and we are very concerned
because we were unable to get seat assignments together. Are there
magic words I can use to remedy this? I know it sounds trivial, but it
undercutting our anticipation about having fun. And don’t tell me not
to go: the trip is all based around my favorite niece’s B’nai Mitzvah.
We are going, puke or no puke.

Fear of Flying

 
Dear Fear of Flying:

One option would be to drive or take the train, but I’ll assume distance
and/or time preclude that. The simplest solution would be to call the
airlines, and if that fails, tell the stewardesses directly when you board
the same story you told me. She will almost certainly go to his
prospective seatmates, and offer them a chance to change seats with
you. The people assigned to sit next to your husband will likely both be
eager to avoid sitting next to the man who can puke before takeoff. I
certainly would.

Time Off

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was supposed to have a fabulous weekend away with my cousins.
We’d bought tickets to a great show and had reservations at a great
restaurant. Then Cousin A came down with the flu, as in H1N1 go to
the hospital flu. So the trip is off. It feels silly to rent a hotel room in
my own town, but I really did want a weekend without my hubby. I
have a writing studio it has taken me a year to set up, and it has a bed
too, I can’t be there 24/7. He is Mr. Clueless about personal space and
boundaries. I love him but I want:

Time Off

Dear Time Off:

One option is to send him away for the weekend and have the house
to yourself. But assuming that’s not a viable alternative, try explaining
that you are not home unless you say you are. Work out anything to
do with scheduling or joint meal planning (if any) or any contingency
details you can identify: Who’s walking the dog or feeding the pets?
When are you completely inaccessible and what signal will you give to
show you are conversational. When I worked with a herd of people all
day and had an ex who worked at home, hungry for conversation the
moment I walked in the door, the rule was “I’m not home until I say I
am.” You could have a pre-arranged signal like a cap you put on, to
signal contact is ok, or stick with the “Don’t talk to me unless I speak
first” rule.

 
I’m sure you don’t want to feel like a prisoner in your studio, but think
about stocking it with a teapot and snacks, your phone charger, a
great read for when you are feeling less productive. Plan to be there as
much of the time as you can, with a break for a lovely dinner with him
either Saturday or Sunday night. Short of a family emergency, he
should respect your privacy, and avoid knocking on your door just to
say hi. That holds true if you leave the house. No “Where are you
going?” or “When will you be home?” He should act like you are with
your cousins, which you should also do when she is recovered.

Not A Hotel Again So Soon

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My college-graduate son has been living at home while he conducts a
job search. Then his girlfriend arrived. We are actively rooting for
them as a couple so we turned over the rec room to them and they set
it up as a mini-apartment, admittedly small. This weekend his best
college buddy and his fiancée came to visit so I relinquished my
sewing room (which doubles as guest bedroom) for the two days.
When I went in after work on Monday I was dismayed at how they left
it. Can you please give some tips for guests who will be staying in
someone’s home, with special attention to young folks who seem to
have been raised without the manners that my generation was taught
to display?

Not A Hotel Again So Soon

 
Dear Not So Soon:

The rules for adults are pretty much the same as for young adults: be
kind; be clean; say thanks; don’t be a pain in the patootie to have
around. But to elaborate a little more…

 
Generally it’s considered polite to bring the hostess a thank you gift
when you say hello. That can range from a bouquet of flowers to food.
One friend in Alaska received a hunk of freshly killed elk, but
personally I prefer pre-packaged or vegetarian gifts. It could even be a
small box of candy, or an offer to take the family out to dinner. But it
is important to make some gesture to show you appreciate the
hospitality. It’s also good manners to ask the hostess about the timing
and rhythms of the house: what time are folks up and about, and what
time does quiet evening begin? If car sharing is involved, be sure to
show proof of license and insurance. Limit showers to a reasonable
length given the extra burden on the hot water heater. Keep smoking
outside and avoid getting drunk. No drugs. When you leave, strip the
bed and fold it nicely. Wipe down the bathroom and treat it like your
own home, not a hotel with on-call maid service. Follow up with what
we used to call a bread and butter note, or at least a phone call to say
Thanks, we appreciated the time with you.

On Her Own

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband has long wanted to go on an archeological dig, something I have no
interest at all in doing. Insert many rants about heat, bugs, and many other forms
of discomfort. Now that he’s retired, we agreed to a nine-month period of self-
discovery. We are very close and the marriage is not in jeopardy, at least not that
I can tell or he professes. We have set up a schedule of times to talk, whenever
he has wifi access. The last time we did, he said the whole experience was
nothing like he was anticipating, and he might just want to jump ship as soon as
they can find a replacement. Honestly I am enjoying my freedom, though
perhaps because I know it is temporary. I’d like to salvage at least a three-month
window of independence. Is that unfair to ask?

On Her Own

 
Dear On Her Own:

I’m assuming there was a long period of discussion and perhaps even
negotiation before he went off on his adventure. And, though you don’t
specify what you’re doing with your own time, you seem to be
enjoying it more than you might have anticipated. So no, I don’t think
it’s wrong to re-negotiate the duration or terms.
Tell him that since he made a commitment to the dig, that he should
honor it for at least a month or two. Things may improve and he may
start to enjoy himself more once he is acclimated. Then say you
would like at least a three-month window of self-discovery for yourself.
It can be while he is still gone or after he returns. But that is your
commitment to yourself that you expect him to honor, as you have
respected his original decision. When next you speak, start talking
about timelines, and be sure to say you’d prefer to know in advance
when he is coming home so you can be ready to be his supportive wife
again. In the meantime, tell him you like flying solo knowing he will
return. Congrats to you both. Not enough couples leave room for both
halves to be a single whole.

Hurt

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

When I lived in LA, a long time ago, I had a friend who was a very needy person.
At the time I was a single parent, and we were neighbors in an apartment
complex. So even though we did not really have a lot in common, we spent lots
of time together because she was lonely and often invited my son and me for
dinner. Eventually I moved away, got married, and have had a happy and
successful life. We drifted apart, but once every few years when she passes
through the area on a trip we have her for dinner. Frankly she has become more
and more unsettled, moving from drinking far too much to living on a medley of
pills that would fell a horse. We are officially friends on Face Book but we haven’t
spoken in a year. I tried to connect to say we’d be in LA for a long layover on our
way to a vacation, but she never returned the calls. When I posted how happy I
was that I would be seeing a different friend, she launched a vicious tirade
against me about what a cold person I was and a bad friend. I was shocked. Do I
reply, or let it go?

Hurt

 
Dear Hurt:

Because she posted something publically, for all your real friends to see, I think
you need to answer there. But avoid escalating a tit-for-tat posting war with
someone who is neither a current friend not particularly stable-seeming. Just
reply with a mild, I’m so sorry. I left you several messages to try and connect, but
by the time you replied here our time was filled. I’ll let you know the next time we
pass through. Please message me your current phone so we can catch up.
You don’t need to be in any rush to actually contact her beyond a first try, which
you should attempt within a week or so of getting her number, assuming she
actually sends it. But if your life is successful and happy, and you have even less
in common than you did so very long ago, you can close the door on this chapter
of your life whenever you feel done with it. Just avoid slamming it or she may
haunt your posts.

Just Friends

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Several years ago I met someone on line that I was attracted to but he was not
attracted to me. Over time we became friends. Even though he lives an hour or
so away, we would get together occasionally for supper or a movie. I got to know
a lot more about him as a friend, and learned enough to know if would not have
been a good relationship for me. He needs a level of emotional caretaking that I
cannot provide, and has some deep-seated issues that, while he is working on
them in counseling, would become flash points in an intimate relationship. This
weekend, while we went out on a rare Saturday evening, he was the perfect
gentleman: opening car doors, insisting on paying for everything, and then sake
in an offhandedly joking way, “I haven’t been on a date in so long!” I playfully
replied “Oh Baby” and we hugged goodbye as we do. Now I’m wondering if I
should say something to forestall some change in his mind about who we are
together, or just wait it out. What say you?

Just Friends

 
Dear Just Friends:

I think you wait it out. He could have just been feeling lonely and/or
playful or thought you were lonely. Sometimes it’s nice to take
someone out and be a gracious host(ess). Perhaps he came into a
windfall and wanted to make you feel special. Unless he follows up
with specific romantic intentions, e.g. moving in for a kiss, or starts a
conversation about the mistake he made a few years ago by not
getting involved with you in a real relationship, simply steer clear of
that territory.

 
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have an answer on tap. If anything
happens that is overt, look him squarely in the eye and say, I love you
as a friend, but I don’t want to change how we relate in a big way. I
was sorry back then, but now I think we are in a good place, and the
right place, with one another. I hope the friendship continues as it is.

Have To Change!!!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I feel like my whole life needs a retrofit. My marriage of 25 years has been up
and down for two decades. We love one another but it has always been volatile,
and I don’t mean in the good ways of make up sex. I’m very clear that I wouldn’t
pick him again, but we have a house, kids, dogs, debt, and many more ties that
bind. I’m also in a job I have wanted out of for years, and frankly I’d rather live in
another state, but my husband refuses to relocate. Fortunately our children are
grown, but each of them has approached me so say they can tell I am not the
happy person they used to know. My friends say much much more. My counselor
won’t tell me what to do, and asks me fifty questions a week, none of which I
seem able to answer with anything other than tears and saying “I feel stuck” over
and over. I have a degree and ironically I solve other people’s problems for a
living. Where do I start?

Have To Change!!!!

 
Dear Have to Change:

Here’s some simple advice: don’t change more than one thing at a time. While
I’m sure it’s tempting to move far away now, that seems like a rash over-
response. Jobs are easier to come by than marriages, especially if you may start
over somewhere else. So I think you need to start with marriage counseling.
Somewhere along the way you may decide you want to change your personal
counselor as well, but in the short run, sticking with someone who asks good
questions, even if you haven’t felt ready to answer them, will give you a sense of
stability. Ask your counselor for names of someone you can see with your
husband, assuming he is willing. If he is not, your problems are even bigger than
you describe.

 
Unless your job is severely physically or emotionally debilitating, that would be
last on my list to change. Looking for and starting any new job is stressful, and if
you may relocate anyhow, it seems like a waste of energy. Work on your
relationship, but within a specified period of time to either make it better or agree
to a trial separation, one that would enable you to have a grub stake to start over
either where you live or in a new place. But know that once you leave your home,
the chances you will stay together decline precipitously. So marriage first, then
choose between job and trying out a new place to live. But stay in counseling no
matter what. You will need the support.

Red, White, and Very Blue

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m sinking into what I think is a depression since the election. There
are so many things that have been done to undermine the country
that I love. Each day brings a need for more phone calls, more post
cards, more petitions to sign, etc. How can I not drown under the
weight of all that I feel is needed?

Red, White, and Very Blue

 
Dear Very Blue:

The weight of this nation does not rest on your shoulders alone. Yes it
is important for each of us to make our voice heard, regardless of the
issue or one’s opinion about it. But that’s not all our lives should be
about or the people you oppose have already won. You need to stay
emotionally and spiritually healthy in order to remember that the very
values you are fighting for form the basis of a healthy life. That has to
include time for family, work, exercise, and even some leisure time as
well as activism, or you will burn out much too soon. If you intend to
sign petitions, make phone calls, etc, you will need to have that
become as much a part of your life as brushing your teeth. But it
should not drag you into malaise.

 
Set a daily schedule for your activism that includes 5-30 minutes of
time. Try to avoid doing this just before bed lest you mess up your
sleep schedule with anxiety. Yes a sense of hopeless is a natural
response to what is going on. But if you let it sink any possibility of
optimism you are setting yourself up for much worse problems than
who is running your government. Find some friends who are going
through similar feelings and set up a regular support group to channel
your emotions into concrete action. This should help energize you and
help you out of your slump.

Just Wannna Play

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m part of a Jewish music group that formed three years ago when several of us
wanted to jam and play songs from our Latino and Yiddish heritage. We have a
great sound together and although we are a mixed bag in terms of musical skills,
our love of the music and different strengths in singing, researching, organizing,
etc have helped us create a very likeable and charming group. We get invited to
do small gigs at people’s houses and local fundraisers. A woman joined us three
months ago. We said yes because she plays at services weekly and we thought
she would help us. She is a superb musician but not a great member of our
band. OY! She is constantly telling us what we are doing wrong and doesn’t
seem to understand that this isn’t her group to order around. We didn’t tell her
this was a trial period, and now, after three long and heart-rending sessions of
personal processing, the group is more interested in dissolving than staying
together. Can you help me salvage something that was very precious to me?

Just Wannna Play

 
Dear Just Wanna Play:

You’ve hit on the key mistake that your group made: not having a clear period of
trying things out (and an exit strategy) before making a firm commitment to
include her. Many prima donnas don’t show their true selves until they are past a
probationary period. But this one has done enough for you to know that you
prefer how it was to how it is. You are going to have to level with her if you want
your band to continue. The conversation goes something like this: We were so
excited to incorporate your wonderful skills into our band. But what works well
musically isn’t so good interpersonally. We’ve tried to make this a match. But it
very clearly is not, so we’ve unanimously decided that we want to turn to our
original configuration. Thanks for trying to make this work what us. Sorry it wasn’t
a good fit. There will be some tears and many more words, but hold firm.
“Unanimous” buys you that solidarity. Be sure no one says anything else.
If you could go back in time, or next time, what you should say is this: We have
very tight chemistry. Sometimes we invite guests to play with us for a certain
song or occasion. But we are unlikely to expand very quickly. Come jam with us if
you like and we will try things out. But no promises beyond a song or two. That
should keep you safer.

Afraid

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My Uncle Hal and my Great-Aunt Sarah haven’t spoken for six years.
It’s a war of shrill and nasty remarks more than live ammunition, but
noisy and distracting all the same. I am not sure they can even
remember what originally started it, but with so many mean things
said about each other to so many people, their feud has taken on a life
of its own. They are both so sure they are right that if you even
suggest there is a middle ground they act like you are a traitor. I am
getting married in two months. I do not see how I can’t invite both of
them, but the idea of how they could ruin the day gives me a stomach
ache. My fiancé thinks I am exaggerating and makes Hal and
Sarah jokes, so I have no help on that score. What should I do?

Afraid

 
Dear Afraid:

You could resolve the whole issue by ending the engagement, telling
your fiancé that his refusal to credit your knowledge of family history
makes him ineligible to join the meshpoche. But that’s probably more
draconian than you’re willing to be and means tossing out the good
because of the bad.

 
If you don’t want your wedding turned into their sideshow you are gong to have to
get their attention. Tell each of them that their acceptance card must include a
check for some hefty sum ($1,000?) made out to the other one. Based on their
behavior at the wedding, you will decide if their check gets awarded to their rival
or returned. Their appearance at the event is contingent on agreeing to your
terms, or else they can stay home and you’ll cheerfully explain their absence to
the rest of the family. Unless they decide to gang up on you, in which case
eloping sounds wise, you should be able to enjoy your wedding and get the last
laugh.

Sad

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Help. My best friend has just been told that she has breast cancer. She hasn’t
told anyone else yet, including her family. She comes over to cry and tell me how
scared and confused she is. She seems paralyzed by the news, which makes
sense to me, but I know she needs to make some decisions, and soon. I want to
help her, but I don’t know where to begin. In addition to her husband, she has two
daughters (7 and 10) and his mother living with her. Everyone depends on her
emotionally to calm their troubled waters and they have no idea how much she
holds the family together. Her husband is an okay guy but he is throroughly
unequipped to do what she needs now. I’m scared too. Where do I start?

Sad

 
Dear Sad:

There’s nothing flippant to say about dying. It’s on everybody’s agenda, even if
we try to ignore it most of the time. You could be hit by a truck before you see
your friend again, or you could both live to be 100. Fortunately or not, we’re not in
charge of that aspect of being human.

 
Be glad she thinks you’re a safety zone. Don’t show her how scared you are right
now because she needs you to be the strong one for both of you. (You’ll have
time to scream later.) Give her space to talk, and to cry. Be her buddy, her
secretary, her right hand, and her ally. Encourage her to talk to her family asap.
Offer to be there when she does.

 
Then meet privately with her husband and talk about how you can help support
him. Encourage him to get some of his own friends involved inbeing his support
network, and to work with him on developing a network to help with family and
household issues and chores.

 
Help her sort through the incredible array of conflicting information about choices
that she will confront. Find her a cancer support group. Consider joining with her.
Breast cancer is not a death sentence, though fear can make it seem that way.
Help your friend organize her household so that everyone pitches in. Say “I love
you” often with hugs. The rest is details.

New Again

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Don’t laugh at me. I am 67 and haven’t been on a date in years. I have been
happily single for a decade, and the few relationships I have been on emerged
very naturally from friendships and then ebbed back into same, after a lovely and
satisfying interlude. But now I said yes to an actual coffee date. It’s not just “out
of practice,” because I don’t think I ever was in practice. What does one talk
about? What should one not talk about? Are there unspoken rules of etiquette
that other people know but I somehow missed? Should I “just be myself” or is it
more important to create a good impression and let all my flaws come out later,
more naturally? Other than saying “No thanks, I changed my mind.” Do you have
any good advice?

New Again

 
Dear New Again:

This may sound silly or too simple, but here goes. Don’t think of this
as a date. Yes you want to get to know the other person, and the
other person wants to know you. You’re both in the “business” of
buying and selling. So that’s four personalities/observers sitting at the
table, all of them busy taking notes and listening for red flags like, All
my exes sponged off me. Or I don’t understand how anyone would be
married to someone who______.

 
It’s fine to display preferences and personality. Try to keep your
stories short and both informative and interesting. Don’t hog the
airtime and genuinely listen to what you are being told. See where
your interests converge or diverge. Don;t worry about remembering all
the names and dates but listen for big arcs of story, like cities lived in,
professions, marriages, home ownership, and children. You can always
go back and ask for details if you get to date number two. Most
importantly, believe what you are told. If a date expresses a history of
infidelity or bankruptcy, take note. Ditto for good works or personality
traits you seek.

 
Allocate two hours for this exercise, but ask a friend to call or text you
about an hour in, with an ostensible emergency. Then if you need to
flee, you can have an excuse. But use this only if it’s really really bad.
You’ll know if you want to get together again.

Patriot Too

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I guess my world is very compartmentalized. I have close friends who know
everything about me and what really matters to me, and social friends with whom
I share general commentary on the world, the weather, and whom I treat like
slightly annoying relatives. Mostly I keep the conversation focused on them
because I don’t think they agree with me or even value what increasingly matters
to me. Now, in these troubled times, I think I need to be very clear with everyone
that I have decided to become far more politically involved. I wouldn’t say
become an activist, but I know to some of my colleagues, relatives, and even
social friends, I will be seen as some kind of deranged radical. All this because I
care abut peace and justice. Can you help me educate them about why it matters
for me to be involved? I haven’t gotten past “I’m going crazy that people with
guns and hoods and swastikas are trying to take over my country. All my dead
Holocaust relatives and people who died fighting Hitler are applauding me. I want
you also.”

Patriot Too

 
Dear Patriot Too:

That’s not a bad way to end, if it comes to that, but it might be a very abrupt way
to begin. A lot depends on what your goal is. If you simply want to break off
contact (harder to do with colleagues and relatives than social friends), sure, go
ahead and truth-blast without regard to what happens next. But if your goal is to
foster dialogue, you might want a softer opening.

 
Start by focusing on individual relationships. Next time you have a date for a
meal or a movie, bring up the subject of priorities for the year to come. Ask what
your friend is thinking about doing with extra time and energy. Listen, engage,
and then tell them that you’ve decided to be much more socially and even
politically engaged. Explain that you have deep concerns about the way your
country is headed, and that if people of conscience don’t step up to act, and
speak out for the values you hold dear, that they might have fewer opportunities
in the future. As you step out into this new world of greater honesty, you will
probably find new friends to fill in the gaps that the departure of old ones may
leave. But you will also find a strong sense of community among those who
share your values and commitment.

Trimming

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in the process of cleaning out my house. I try to do an annual purge during
the holiday buying season, in part to spread the wealth around to women’s
shelters, homeless shelters, non-profits that do all manner of good, schools and
gift-giving community events. I feel that I have so much that it is more than just a
mitzvah. It’s necessary to remind myself how easy I have it in a world where so
many have so little and make do without on a daily basis. I’m living on a fixed
income now, so donating money is harder. I am trying not to buy what I don’t
need, and to trim what I have to what feels appropriate. Many of my friends are
into shopping and gifting. And even though each year we say to one another “NO
gifts, please!” when the moment comes to show up at their door it feels churlish
to come empty handed. Do you have a simple solution, especially one that does
not involve my checkbook?

Trimming

 
Dear Trimming:

I suggest a very simple solution that you apply uniformly to all your
friends. Identify the array or organizations that you plan to donate do,
whether it is in cash or in kind. The write an email to all your friends
and send it to them individually, not as a mass mailing. Personalize it
for each of them, with some acknowledgement of their individual
achievements for the year, such a promotions, weight loss, children’s
accomplishments, etc. Summarize your own gratitude for the plenty
you enjoy, and say that you are choosing not to participate in the
commercialism and consumerism of the season, instead opting to
donate to [insert your list here]. Say that you are going to show up
empty handed, and that you do not want your lack of gifting to be
perceived as anything other than what it is, an appreciation of your
happy sheltered life, and a wish that everyone can have at least as
much as they need.
Encourage your friends to do the same.