Undone

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How am I going to get my mojo back? I was on such a happy creative roll. I was
eating well, exercising often, in a happy and positive mood. And then the election
laid me low. I felt sad and in almost a clinical depression for weeks. Lots of
staring, and several pounds of sugar and carbs later I feel like a big sad sack. I’m
over the crying but still flying at half-mast. What can I do to feel whole and
hopeful again?

Undone

 
Dear Undone:

You are certainly not alone in your sense of despair over the recent elections.
Some people are in a fearful state because of perceived and actual threats
happening because of their religion, color, orientation, or just because they were
vocal “blue” advocates in “red” districts or even families. This election is a chance
for greater healing or greater division, but I would caution you not to venture into
the arenas for dialogue with folks who are opposed to what depressed you in a
hard-core way until you feel stronger and more resilient.

 
What to do: Start by eating better. It’s an amazingly simple truth that how we fuel
our bodies can severely impact our moods. So set limits on what you put in that
isn’t good for you, whether you count calories, fat, carbs, or sugar. Exercise
more. Simply going to a class at the gym will get you back in touch with your
body as a vehicle for energy, not just tears. Find a support group of people who
agree with your political views and regularly participate in activities that empower
your feelings about American democracy. We are a complex country with a
complicated political process. Look for ways to express what matters to you and
organize some of your time around healing your community. Start local and work
your way up. And don’t discount the healing value of grieving. Jews sit shiva for a
week and say Kaddish for a year exactly so there is a mechanism for staying in
touch with their feelings and slowly coming to terms with the new reality. There’s
a saying going around, “Don’t normalize.” You can find your own new normal
while still advocating the values you feel were under-represented at the polls.
Think long haul, not just this week.

Naysayer

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I go to High Holiday services, have an annual Seder, light Hanukah
candles, and believe in (one) God. A friend insisted that I go with her
to a lecture/meditation by a guru that she just “discovered.” If this
woman had dressed and talked differently, she could have been in our
bridge club. Instead she has a crew of acolytes, a series of books, CDs,
DVDs, and a radio show. Nothing she said was wrong or bad, but also
not much different than the psychobabble I read in any magazine at
the hairdresser’s. The audience of several hundred appeared rapt,
even enchanted, even when all she did was parrot back what they said
and murmur “Yes, yes, yes.” I was mostly bored, occasionally
annoyed, and generally surprised about how easy such a lucrative gig
seemed, not to mention confused how it pulled in so many including
my sharp-as-a-tack attorney friend. She’s now after to me to enroll in
a weekly study group, go to a retreat with her, or otherwise
demonstrate my support while she explores this new path. She’s
offering to make this my Hanukah gift. How can I decline without
insulting her?

Naysayer

 
Dear Naysayer:

Clearly this person has had a very meaningful influence on your friend.
Be kind and polite. But don’t draw out the period of ostensible
consideration. Ask to borrow one book or tape to follow up the lecture.
Keep it for a week and read the first five pages. Then return it. Say
you tried out of respect for her judgment, but have decided to decline.
Be clear that you gave it due thought, but that your friend’s teacher is
just that, hers not yours. Say your spirituality is more traditional, that
you’re not against the guru, just more indifferent than enthused and
that you don’t want to invest more time seeking if her influence.
If, and only if, pressed, say that you were a little turned off by the
slick packaging and adoring rapture. But sincerely go out of your way
to be gentle and indifferent rather than cutting or belittling. Then go to
services a little more often and talk Jewish at your friend for a few
weeks. She’ll back off. Who knows, you might like services.

Living the Good Life

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How can I pull the plug on a gift exchange that I did not initiate, but have
participated in for the past two years? I met a friend on a bridge cruise after my
divorce. Many of the single women were hunting for a man. I wasn’t, and ended
up in a random pairing with a smart Jewish woman from Tennessee. We have
partnered together online in the interim, but no more travel, for various reasons
on both sides. She has significantly more money than I do, but when she sent me
the original Hanukah gift I felt I had no choice but to reciprocate. Gifting has
continued for Hanukah and birthdays. Is there a polite way to end this without
hurting her feelings? I think she likes shopping and gifting people as a hobby.
Honestly, I don’t need anything except better knees and a few extra hours in
each day.

Living the Good Life

 
Dear Living the Good Life:

Send her an email that goes roughly: Dear Partner – I so enjoy our friendship. I
hope we can connect again in person sometime. This year for the holidays I have
decided to forgo gift giving and gift receiving. My life is so full and there are so
many in the world in such need. Below I have listed a set of organizations that
I’ve selected for their good works to make a hard world a better place for people
whose lives are much more difficult than ours. Please tell me which you would
like me to gift in your name, and please do the same rather than sending me
anything for Hanukah or in the future. We are so lucky. Let’s share.

Depressed Beyond Reason

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m traumatized to the point of tears by the election results and the aftermath. I
am your basic knee-jerk liberal and had such pride and hope for America for the
past eight years. But the eruption of swastikas from NYC to Oregon, and vile
anti- brown, black, Asian, Hispanic, gay, and Jewish incidents make me feel
unsafe in my own country. There is a difference between electoral politics and
outright oppression. And a campaign that said it would “clean up the mess” is
appointing only bigoted insiders and doing nothing to allay the eruption of hateful
racist bile. And why is no one talking about the Russians? My office place has
many pro-Trump people and many people of color. I don’t know if we will witness
anything like what I am seeing in the news, but how can I speak out when I feel
so unsafe?

Depressed Beyond Reason

 
Dear Depressed:

All the reasons you cite are very legitimate and reasonable responses to the
post-election eruption of ugliness. No one who is a caring compassionate
person–of any religion—would be reacting with anything but horror. I can’t
address the political aspects of your concerns, but I can help a little with the
sense of fear and isolation. I don’t know if you are aware of the safety pin
campaign or not. People who wear a safety pin are showing others they are
willing to stand up if they see racist baiting or bullying going on around them. It’s
an act of affirmation but it also requires that you actually speak up, which could
make you even more afraid and uncomfortable, so don’t wear one unless you are
more secure and ready.

 
There are also support groups springing up everywhere to help people deal both
with grieving and eventually with political organizing to reverse the one-party
control of every branch of government. Support politicians who represent the
values you care about. Do it by donating time, money, and energy as well as
words and tears. Be prepared for a long haul on this process. That’s the good
news as well as the bad. It is especially important that you keep an open
dialogue with all the people you know. Keep your relations at work broad and
sincere. Be kind to the people you fear with be harassed and be brave about
speaking up if you see something happening that is inappropriate. You might
preemptively talk to your human resources folks to learn what is okay and not, so
that you can cite policies if needed. Somehow we are all going to have to learn to
talk to people we disagree with if we are going to re-establish dialogue. But take
the time for tears and grieving first. It will make you stronger and you will need
that strength, as will we all.

Not Yet Voting Age

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

One of my cousins overheard his father joking to another uncle about
“having tossed the old fool’s absentee ballot into the trash because she
was going to make a stupid vote for that &;^% woman.” I know that’s
hearsay of the worst kind, but hard to listen to since the elders in my
family (who live in nursing homes) are Holocaust survivors and gave
far more to live in a democracy than any of the rest of us could ever
dream of surviving. What should I say or do, because I know that is
also illegal? I am not a snitch but I am upset.

Not Yet Voting Age

 
Dear Not Yet:

You could try to talk to your uncle directly and ask if this is true, but
the odds that he would admit committing a crime to a young relative
are low to zero. You could suggest that your cousin ask his dad if he
heard him right. Then, even if the father denies it, he will learn the
value of discretion if not honesty. Sadly there is no way to protect
against this kind of fraud. But it takes much more focused hacking to
sway a whole election.

 
You should very much go to visit your ancient elders as often as you
can, both to make them happy to see the progeny so many were
denied, and to harvest the stories of their lives, which are passing
from us more quickly each day. You can say that you heard from your
cousin that she had felt it was important to vote and say how proud
you are of her for being such a good role model for you and your
generation. You can tell her that the next time there is an election you
would like to sit with her while you both vote, and then you would be
proud to carry her absentee ballot to the collection place.

PTSD-ed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How can we plan a family Thanksgiving when everyone is traumatized by the
recent elections? We are a surprisingly diverse family in terms of or political
views. My side was raised as knee-jerk liberals but some of the cousins (whom I
will confess I do not like for this reason as well as others) voted for many (though
thankfully not all) Republicans. All summer they were coy when discussing their
vote, which of course just made me suspicious that they were doing what would
have our grandparents spinning in their graves. I was a nervous wreck for
months. You know what’s going on out there, from threats of militias and
impeachment to people swearing they are going to leave the country. I know we
cannot put the genie back in the bottle, but is there any way to have a family
holiday that will not rupture on the very dysfunctional ship of state? I’m tempted
to only invite the people who agree with me, but I recognize that’s as divisive and
polarizing as opposition pols who swear they will be obstructionist for the next
millennium or two. Helllpppppp!!!!

PTSD-ed

 
Dear PTSD-ed:

If we cannot heal families we are going to have a helluva time healing a country. I
too cannot remember an election that felt this divisive and that had so many
people binge-eating, hysterical with hyperbole and fear, depressed and anxious,
and un-friending friends and relatives at a rate that would make Einstein
reevaluate his theories. We’ve all lived through “this is the most important
election of our lifetimes” more often than I want to count. But this one was a
colossal disaster in so many ways that I hope America never repeats it. I still
have hopes (fantasies?) that democracy will raise her weary head and enough
people of reason will say Enough!! But that will have to start with each of us.

 
You should not un-invite or not-invite relatives who you might otherwise share the
holiday with. You can impose some rules for social interactions and distribute
them before the day. They should be unambiguous and even-handed, but most
importantly enforced. If you say you are going to fine anyone who talk about
politics, disparages candidates and their supporter, etc, then be prepared to do it.
Ditto if you say you will toss someone unceremoniously for rudeness. Having a
strict policy might cause a permanent rift, so be forewarned. Better would be to
set aside some specific period to go around the room and have everyone share
their feelings without crosstalk, then try to continue with family as usual. Try to
avoid the Thanksgiving disaster in the classic film Avalon, where brothers fight,
and one chases the other into the street waving a drumstick; sadly, they lose five
decades of familial caring.

No More, Thanks

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a long distance friend whom I have known for since college
(read, several decades). We lost contact for a while but for the past 15
years we have been in email and phone contact. She stayed in her
hometown; I stayed with her as each of my parents died, as she was a
mile from the hospital. While I was her guest I purchased some
reasonably expensive jewelry from her, in part because I wanted to be
a good guest and also because she was transitioning her career to
becoming an artist. It was far more than I would have paid at a fair or
gallery but she was definitely helping me out. Now she’s planning to
visit me to show at a holiday arts fair she got juried into. Her work is
lovely and I don’t mind putting her up. But I cannot afford to be a
patron at this time, for financial reasons and because I am swimming
in unneeded things. I’m giving away my jewelry and scarves as gifts,
not acquiring more. How can I demur without hurting her feelings? I
think she’s done a wonderful job in reinventing herself. But saying so
and being her B&B is the limit of my ability to support her.

No More, Thanks

 
Dear No More:

Tell her what the logistics are in terms of transport, her room etc. Ask
if she needs help with show set-up; if it’s more than you want to do,
tell her you have folks on tap for $x an hour to help. Ask if she has
food sensitivities or preferences so you can stock the frig. Confirm
which times you expect to be available to be social together.
Explain that you’ll go to the show to see her in her evolved role as a
professional artisan. But go on to say that you’ve stopped purchasing
anything at shows like that, both for financial reasons and because you
are downsizing in every category. Reassure her that you’re happy to
be her hostess and looking forward to quality time together, but that
there’s no need to thank you even with a token gift because you are
swimming in all the jewelry and accessories for this and your next
lifetime. She should get the message. If not, repeat it as needed.

No ^&%&$ Way!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For the past ten years or so I have had a very up and down friendship with
someone I will call Michelle. I met her in a social context where we were the only
two Jews in a room of otherwise like-minded folks. But when the atheists and
agnostics started decrying religion we both defended the idea of being spiritual
people. In the interim I have watched her go through many life changes, even
dated one of her exes, and generally have been supportive of her attempts at
self-care, even when I had mixed feelings about choices I would never have
made. She had just rebranded herself as a life coach and called to pick my brain
for ideas about a workshop she is doing in my town (she’s moved away but
keeps ties here). I just got a FaceBook request asking me to publicize her
workshop to my friends (none of whom do this kind of thing) and to “hold the
date.” I stopped reading that kind of self-help advice decades ago nd never go to
workshops. I was also horrified to learn she expected me to pay $85 to hear my
own ideas parroted back to me. How much or little should I say when I decline?

No ^&%&$ Way!!

 
Dear No ^&%&$ Way:

Send her a very prompt, polite, and specific response to her request.
Tell her that your friends burned out long ago on networking for
events that they would not attend. Say you agreed to a mutual pact to
relieve one another from information about everything from bake and
candy sales to workshops unless they were the presenter.
Explain that you’re happy that she’s happy to be remaking herself into
a new career. But that as you said in your conversation with her, the
material she is going to present is about life issues that you feel you’ve
resolved long ago to your own satisfaction. Tell her also that you’re not
the type to attend workshops at all, and that while you sometimes
read self-help books, that’s a part of your world that feels very much
in the past. Tell her that, if she’s holding a place for you, to please
give it to a paying guest who’ll benefit from her wisdom. Wish her luck
and let this friendship die a natural death, unless you want to continue
to be her unpaid teacher.

Grand Nonny

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband and I quasi-adopted two teenaged boys twenty years ago.
Their mother was relieved and our sons think of them like brothers.
They have each grown into fine young men, employed in the trades,
and each married, and each now parenting. My husband loves the
“grandkids” but we have a very tough time with one of the mothers,
who constantly reprimands her children like they are violent offenders.
She yells at them that they are lying no matter what’s going on, and it
is clear that they are terrified of somehow upsetting her. We have
never observed any lying on their part, but have no reason to believe
she is abusing drugs or alcohol. When we have hinted that her children
are afraid of her, she seems pleased that “they won’t try to pull any
nonsense.” The husband either doesn’t notice or seems to agree. But
we are very disturbed. What can we do?

Grand Nonny

 
Dear Grand Nonny:

I am assuming that the abuse you are describing is psychological and
not physical. I’m not diminishing the impact, but if there are any signs
of physical harm it would be a little easier to get external help. In the
short run, I would start with a family intervention. Talk first to the
husband and his brother. Say how much you love them and value the
familial relationship. But express your concerns clearly and without
attempting to sugar coat them. Be very clear in the examples you
give. Ask both if they have observed anything that they find troubling.
Explain what bothers you in terms of short run and long run. Have
some citations about the impacts of psychological abuse on tap to
reinforce your point. End very simply by asking what the husband will
do.

 
If that doesn’t work, you will need to address the mother directly. Be
clear this comes out of love for the whole family, and that you know
you are risking their esteem and even access to the children by
speaking up. But be clear that’s how important it is to you. And that
you are paying attention and will continue to do so. If you can afford
it, you might suggest anger management or family counseling on your
dime, just to put an exclamation point on the message. Above all,
monitor the children so they don’t carry these scars. Abuse is a
generational problem. Nip it in the bud!

Backsliding

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was on a very rigorous diet for about a month. I lost weight and I was happy
about it. I especially liked all the compliments I got during the High Holidays,
when I saw many people who had gone the opposite direction. Then I took
several weeks off. Between break fast and succah hopping I took in many
thousand more calories than I should have. I want to go back on program, at
least between now and Thanksgiving, with the hope that I can maintain whatever
I lose through to the New Year. I think I learned my lesson but I have also gotten
lazy. Can you get me motivated to do what I know I will feel better doing, but
seem to have lost the will to do for myself?

Backsliding

 
Dear Backsliding:

A wise person once said abut weight, You’re either gaining or losing. Sadly that’s
truer than we might wish, though if you establish a range for a goal, say 143-145,
you will know when to bear down when you cross the bright red line and see a 6,
7, 8, etc. Weighing in every morning should become as automatic as brushing
your teeth. If you are afraid of stepping on the scale, that’s an indicator that it’s
time to go back on your program, whatever it is.

 
Techniques that work for me and others I know: Write down what you are
allowed to eat, meal by meal organized by category (protein, grain, vegetable,
fruit). Keep a list of what’s legal in what quantity with you in your purse. If you are
shopping, eating in a restaurant, or just need a reminder to say No I’m not going
to buy or eat that!, pull it out. Don’t tempt yourself with Just one bite, or Just this
one time, or I can keep it in the freezer for company. Organize your schedule
around getting to the gym or going for a walk. Enlist a buddy to go on program
with you until Thanksgiving. And set a reasonable goal, say five pounds lost by
then. If it feels hopeless, you won’t obey. If you see progress, even in ounces,
you will find more motivation.

Impasse

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Four of us gals have been friends for a dozen or so years. Each original
twosome in any direction was good and over time we bonded as a
foursome independent of the hubbies and significant others. We go out
for happy hour maybe once a month, and talk about all the usual gap
pal things that you can imagine. We had a break over summer
because of various travel plans, and also because Friend A had helped
Friend D’s husband get a job when he was unemployed and desperate.
All the same reasons he was fired from previous jobs showed up, and
he turned what could have been a great opportunity into another
losing situation. Now Friend D is angry because Friend A won’t go to
bat for him with the big boss. But she isn’t his supervisor and could
her own job in jeopardy. So D isn’t speaking to A. A says she “doesn’t
want to have to beg” to have someone be her friend, and the other
two of us are sad because it all seems overblown and solvable. They
are willing to talk to us, but not to one another.

Impasse

 
Dear Impasse:

Strong friendships can weather storms. Doing so requires honest
communication, time, probably some tears, and a willingness to be
vulnerable at all stages until the friendship feels solid again.
Neither you nor the other one of the foursome should indulge the
feuders in much one-on-one time. The message you should repeat
over and over is this: You two need to talk to one another and hash
this out. Neither of you is all right or all wrong. But you are both
wrong about reusing to communicate. Neither of us is going to side
with either of you. What we care about is clearing the air. We suggest
you go out for drinks or coffee and work it through. If you need us
both there are facilitators we would be happy to help. But we think it’s
sad and short-lighted not to invest more time and caring into this
friendship. Start talking to each other now!

Thin Line

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Recently a friend in another city fixed me up with someone who lives
near me. The friend knew both of us who lived here and, after
checking appropriately, gave each of us the other’s contact info
suggesting that we meet for coffee. We did and hit it off, and are now
starting cautiously to date. Both of us have been getting emails from
her saying “How’s it going?” etc. I know she wants me to confide
in her but of all the people on the planet she’s the last one I would talk
to about a dating situation gone bad (or perhaps even good) because
she already has a close relationship with my maybe about to be honey.
How can I deter her politely but firmly, because I am appreciative and
do value the friendship.

Thin Line

 
Dear Thin Line:

Grown ups don’t act like 7th graders. If there really is an incipient
relationship, that’s wonderful. You should certainly say Thank you and
let her know how much you appreciate the connection. But you are
under no obligation to make this friend your confidant, and especially
to assume that anything you say to her would be kept confidential.
It’s fine for her to ask how it’s going. And it’s fine for you to say that
you’re enjoying the connection, look forward to more dates, and hope
it deepens into a relationship. But that doesn’t make her a messenger
to relay that. And you should be explicit saying that you want to be
able to talk to her without anything being repeated. Even having said
that I would urge caution. If you need someone to talk to about
intimate or personal things, perhaps better someone who doesn’t have
skin in the game and who hasn’t tried to push her way into the
conversation.

Outgrown this Gift

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Every year my aunt sends Hanukkah presents for my three children. It
started when they were children, and she was pretty good about not
sending cheap plastic toys. Now they are 11, 8, and 5. Each year she
buys T-shirts made by a local to her artist. She lives a very hippie
community across the country so this is generally counter-cultural,
political humor, or just odd. We live in an upper middle-class
somewhat red district. The first couple years I like seeing my kids in
tie-dye and thought it was cute. But now she’s latched on to somebody
whose art is, not to put too fine a point on it, just plain weird. Even I
barely get the humor and the kids certainly don’t. We had made an
annual photo practice to dress the kids and send her a pic. But I want
to stop her from she spending money she doesn’t have a lot of on
something we don’t need or appreciate. Should I say something or just
let her keep sending them. I love her and appreciate the sentiment,
but….

Outgrown this Gift

 
Dear Outgrown:

However you do what you do, you should do it kindly. The fact that
your aunt thinks of your children each year is a lovely thing. I don’t
know how often she visits or you see her, but a conversation like this
in a vacuum may sound harsher than it might said casually over tea.
To imply reject a gift out of hand is churlish and cruel. Your family is
something to be honored so handle this gently.

 
You might tell her the children are growing so fast that the T-shirts
that fit now will be out of size or fashion by summer. Tell her that
perhaps switching to books or apps or something that doesn’t require
shipping is better. Tell her what each of them is particularly interested
at the moment, from dinosaurs to chess to a favorite movie or show.
Then hope for the best and say thank you very sincerely. Who knows,
she may have them in her will too; so at the risk of sounding venal,
think long run love and family, not just a gift you could easily donate
or regift.

Almost Homicidal

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s the etiquette for dealing with a boor? I am an author who attends various
artists and authors’ fairs. Usually it’s sitting on a bad chair for the better part of
the day and schmoozing with interested readers who might also buy my books.
But occasionally, like yesterday, I get tabled with a loud, annoyingly interrupting
boor. He tried to talk my ear off even though I said, “When I’m not with customers
I am trying to write.” Whenever someone approached me, he would interrupt the
conversation and try to snare them (his material was nothing like mine). I asked
the coordinator for a table swap and she rolled her eyes. Apparently other people
had made not being seated next to him a condition of participation. Advice?

Almost Homicidal

 
Dear Almost:

This is the same etiquette advice I would give to a person with a bad airline seat
neighbor, or other randomly assigned seat in which you are temporarily trapped.
Be polite. Be firm. Be clear. That’s when you talk to the boor and to people with
the authority to move you or the boor or to enforce more polite action on his part.
Boors do not train easily. They’re used to commanding attention by their noise or
actions, and surrender airtime and the attention of others only if there appears to
be no other option. Even if you score a victory early, assume the behavior will
continue. If you do ask for help, try to identify if there is any penalty for continued
bad behavior. For example, recently airlines have ejected or banned such people
after inappropriate outbursts.

 
Travelling with noise cancelling headphones is a solution in some situations. But
unless you’re willing to also put a sign on your table that says, Writer at work who
will happily stop to talk to you about her book., they won’t help you attract new
readers. But they will keep you out of court if you crack and injure a boor.

Sweet Tooth

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m single. In fact I’m a single lesbian, though many of my friends are
straight women and, over the course of time, their husbands have
become friends. We gals get together every few months for brunch or
happy hour. The guys don’t tend to socialize on their own, but we all
get along at birthday parties and holidays. One couple invited me to a
late summer BBQ and said, It’s going to be all couples so feel free to
invite someone. In the past I have sometimes brought along women I
am dating, if only to get a thumbs up or down from my buddies. But
now I’m flying solo and liking it. That’s what I said in my rsvp, which
netted me an Oh. Should I invite someone, go solo anyhow, or
demur? For what it’s worth the hostess’ hubby makes the world’s best
peach pie. It’s worth breaking all diet rules to have some.

Sweet Tooth

 
Dear Sweet Tooth:

I have a bias against people who discriminate against single folks. The
world is made up of lots of singles who are looking as well as lots of
singles who are happy being single. I’m assuming you have no
predatory intent on the hostess or her husband, other than perhaps on
his peach pie. Ditto for any of the other attendees.

 
Unless you have a current prospect, I would go on your own and have
a great time. Talk to anyone and everyone and enjoy the food, drink,
and festivities. If people ask about your love life, say you are happily
between relationships and don’t want to dabble unless it’s true love.
You can follow it up with, If you want to hear my list of what I’m
looking for in a potential date, just ask. Most people will, if only to be
polite. And you can add, I’ll gift you with a [hubby]’s peach pie if you
find me the right gal! You never know who knows whom. And you’ve
sweetened the pot for their sweet tooth as well.