Category Archives: Parenting

Is 75% Enough?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My ex and I were together for twelve years. We’re lesbians but that
matters only in the sense that neither of us adopted the other’s bio-
child. The oldest, hers, just got into a very expensive private college
which she prefers to a state school. She got very little financial aid and
I am being blamed (!!!!) because my family and I set up a trust fund
for her education. There’s about $150K in it now, which is roughly
three-quarters of the tuition/room and board that would be required.
It’s on the other side of the country so there’s travel and incidentals to
pay for as well. Assume we’re about $75K short.

 

Her mother, who took me to court (and won ?!?!) to get access to the proceeds
of a vacation home that I owned before we got together is pleading poverty.
She’s a real-estate agent. I know the market is bad and the vacation cottage
may not sell for a while. Also that she doesn’t like to work, as
witnessed by the significant depletion in my own net worth during our
time together. I want Hannah to go to the college she wants to, but I
don’t feel that I should have to foot 100% of the bill. The clock is
ticking on saying yes. I know they’ll keep coming back to me for
everything and as much as I love Hannah she is brainwashed by her
bio-mom. I also don’t trust my ex not to skim funds for herself.

Is 75% Enough?

 
Dear 75%:

I think you have some solid ground to stand on regarding lifting more
than half the expenses, and some righteous leverage to put your ex’s
feet to the fire, assuming you don’t want to pay 100% of everything.
I’d counsel an email, to both of them, that goes roughly like this:

Dear Hannah/Ex: I’m glad you decided on Good School over State.
Here’s my understanding of costs. Four years will be about $200K. My
family has put about $150K into funds for Hannah’s education. I’m
happy to transfer that into a trust fund in her name, and to have that
fund administered by an attorney who will pay the school directly. In
addition I will put another $25K into the trust fund after the vacation
home sells. I’m happy to be able to help you go to college and hope
you succeed in your dreams. I think this contribution is a strong show
of love and support. I think Ex should be able to contribute the
remaining amount of tuition/expenses those out of her proceeds from
the sale of the vacation home. I love you lots – Mom
Nothing can keep your ex from trying to nickel and dime you to death.
But you can set some boundaries that have legal teeth.

Mom

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have two daughters who have never been very close, but never
before fought like now. There’s a constant underlying competition
between them, over everything from house size to family vacations.
Each is married to a working stiff, not a professional, so we’re talking a
pretty narrow range of discussions. But lately, since the younger has
gotten pregnant, it seems that every time we are together as a family
there is bickering, and every time I am with one or the other I hear
nothing but complaints about her sib. Should I continue to let it fester
and ignore it, or try to reconcile them? My husband, btw, in the way of
men, seems oblivious and thinks I am being a worrywart.

Mom

 
Dear Mom:

It’s in the nature of mothers to worry about how families get along and
in the nature of fathers to assume all is bliss until the dissonance gets
loud enough that they’re dragged in. I’d suggest a two-pronged
approach. One is to have a one-on- one with each of them saying
basically, I’m tired of the kvetching, back-biting, and jealousy and
competition. I love both of you equally, and want you to be happy.
Everyone’s life is full of joys and tsoris, and it’s the role of family to be
there to celebrate the good times and help out in the bad ones. If you
can’t count on your parents and your sister, who’s there for you?

 

Hope they respond appropriately. If not, offer to take them shopping
together for a day, somewhere like an outlet mall where they’ll
anticipate your smiling credit card. In actuality your goal will be to sit
them down in the food court and say, Here’s the scoop: I love you and
I love you and I want you both to act like you care about one another,
not just when I’m treating you but when no one else is around. If you
can’t do it because it’s right, do it for me. Because if you don’t you
won’t like the mother I’m going to become. Then pray it works.

Gifted

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My son went through high school without a single date. He’s a good
kid, and surprisingly comfortable with adults. He’s a geek but not a
nerd, and never seemed to need much human contact with his peers.
Now in his second year of college he’s been dating the same girl for
more than a year. She’s lovely, and they’re both 4.0 pre-meds, but of
course I want him to have more experiences in life than just dating
one girl. But he seems so happy with her and, I am pretty sure, with
no longer being the only virgin he knows. We have no problem with
her visiting him but her parents, who live two hours away, are very (I
think overly) protective. We’ve never met them but she talks about
them in the kind of careful way that I have seen some of my students
use when there’s dysfunction in the family. They sent us a lovely
fruit/cheese /nut gift basket for the holidays, something that never
even occurred to me to send to them, seeing as we’ve never met. How
should I respond?

Gifted

 
Dear Gifted:

Two different issues. As for your sons slow-starting social life, he
seems to be making up for lost time very nicely. Although relationships
between college kids may seem serious, if they’re both aimed towards
professional careers the chances that they’ll stay together are pretty
slim. As long as he keeps up his grades and seems happy I would
counsel you to let life take its course.

 
As for the gift basket, send a polite note: Dear Mr/Mrs [Name]: Our
family enjoyed every bite of the delicious fruit, nut, and cheese gift
box you sent us. How kind and thoughtful! We&'ve enjoyed getting to
know [daughter name]. She is a lovely person through and through.
I&'m guessing that the apple does not fall far from the tree. I’m sure
we’ll meet some day if they continue to date. That shows you are
polite and supportive of the relationship, without pressuring anyone to
do anything different. As for their presumed dysfunction, it’s not your
problem to solve.

How to Say No?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

We have two sons and two quasi-sons, whom we raised from their
teens on. They had troubled backgrounds but have grown into fine
young men. When J called and asked if they could stay at our house
for the weekend when they came to town, where they is
him/wife/three-year- old, we said sure. I’d assumed they had plans
with his brother (who lives here) or some tangible reason for visiting
our town. They showed up Friday night and by noon on Sunday hadn’t
left the house. We were a live-in hotel and restaurant for them. My
husband teaches and I have a high-stress job so this was a lot more
company than we had in mind. Now they’ve called to ask about coming
between Xmas and New Years, a time when my mother will be with us
also.

How to Say No?

 
Dear Say No:

Can you spell b.o.u.n.d.a.r.i.e.s? Clearly they cannot. Then there’s also
the word c.o.m.m.u.n.i.c.a.t.i.o.n. J is young. You are older. The
burden of teaching and initiating each of these lies with you That’s not
to say you didn’t do a fine job helping this guy when he was young,
but that a mother’s (and father’s) work is never done.
In answer to your question, yes you have the right to say no, or to set
limits on their visit. You also have a responsibility to have a broader
conversation about their last visit and what you and your husband
need in terms of downtime. They may be young and need a free
hotel/room service (do you have a pool too?), but you are not
obligated to provide refuge every time they ask. And unless your
mother adores their three-year old as her own grandchild, you owe her
the gift of focused visiting time. You probably have less of it with her
than you will with him and his family. Do it gently, but set the limits
that you need to. It’ll be good practice for him to hear.

Eye Witness

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

We had a great Seder at my sister-in- law’s, at least everyone else
thought so at the time. Contrary to the usual fears, even expectations,
everyone got along, perhaps because we’d instituted a “no discussion
of politics in any form” rule and asked everyone of voting age to
pledge to uphold it. The last election year Seder caused a family rift
between democrats and Republicans that took more than a year to
resolve, to no one’s satisfaction.

 

But here’s the problem: When I was helping move plates from
the table to the kitchen I caught my thirteen-year old niece
(who’d excused herself to “go to the bathroom”) smoking pot outside
the back door. I quickly called her in, said “Go wash up now!!!”
(to kill the smell) and went back to the table. She kept eyeing me to
try and get my attention, I think to get me to commit to keeping my
mouth shut. I have not yet spoken either to her or my brother about
the incident. He was certainly not a drug-free paragon in college,
but thirteen seems incredibly young to me to be experimenting with
drugs. To whom do I owe what when?

Eye Witness

 
Dear Eye Witness:

You owe your bother, the adult, full disclosure and information about
what you saw. Your niece’s expectation that you would cooperate in
some code of complicit silence is optimistically naïve and silly. Many
people of various ages have experimented with pot, or even more,
even those who claimed they did not inhale. But thirteen is much too
young to be making those kinds of decisions about experimentation.
Her body and brain are still evolving. This is a problem best identified
and headed off as efficiently as possible.

 
I’d suggest alerting your niece that you’re going to talk to your
brother. And then speaking to him immediately afterwards. Do both of
these conversations in person if possible. She’ll likely plead for you to
keep quiet “just this once” and protest that this was an isolated
incident. But anyone who needs to get loaded to get through a family
gathering is displaying not only poor judgment but potentially early
signs of accelerated use. When you talk to your brother you should say
you wanted to allow the holiday to be enjoyed without argument or
crisis. You should defer to his and your sister-in- law’s parenting
decisions after they talk to your niece. But under no circumstances
should you keep quiet any longer.

David’s Dad

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve just learned a lot about my son from reading his Facebook page. I
think there was a glitch in his permissions, so that I read about his
exploits and experiments with drinking and dating. The last time I tried
to talk to him about any of this he stalked out of the room shrieking at
me. How can I go from being a very un-cool Dad to someone he’ll
listen to? I saw enough to be worried.

David’s Dad

 
Dear Dad:

One of the most interesting things about aging is how many of us
acknowledge how right our parents were about a lot of things. The
basics: Don’t drink and drive. Don’t be afraid to be different. Don’t be
afraid to say No. Your reputation matters. Communicate simply and
often. And while your son may think you’re too un-cool to talk to about
things, what you say will get in, especially if you are consistent in your
messaging.

 
Sit him down and explain that when he doesn’t talk to you about the
typical issues teenagers face (the proverbial “sex, drugs and rock &
roll”) you can only imagine the worst. Tell him it’s very important that
you have agreements and understandings. Example: No matter how
late it is or how drunk you are, I’d rather you called me for a ride than
touch a car key. Example: No matter what your friends tell you, girls
can get pregnant any time you don’t use protection. Use the following
(or adapt it) as an intro and exit. Keep repeating it until he can quote
it back to you in unison: I love you and will do my best to protect you.
Please keep talking to me so I know what you’re going through and
how I can be there for you. You are my son and I love you very much.

Terrified

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m being purposefully vague because my daughter reads your column.
She’s a public sector social worker who deals with a very dangerous
population. The problem: she’s fallen in love with someone so
inappropriate that I am terrified she’ll marry him and that he’ll kill her
for her inheritance. I know I sound like a hysterical mother, but this
wouldn’t be the first time such a case has made headlines. I love my
bleeding heart daughter and don’t want to lose her. How can I head off
this romance before he’s out on parole and able to take her to the
altar? Will cutting her out of the will save us?
Terrified

 
Dear Terrified:
You’ve described the situation perfectly from a mother’s perspective.
While no one can tell you any of your worst scenarios won’t happen,
it’s your daughter you are dealing with, not a stranger to whom you
could give your unfiltered responses without repercussions on your
relationship, which I&'d like to think is strong and loving. I assume
you’ve already expressed your fears. Also that your daughter (like
most daughters) has developed a mother filter to discount what you
say. Even if it could be scientifically proven you were 100% right, she
probably wouldn’t hear it. None of which makes you any less right or
wrong, just less heard. So you need to work on both your delivery and
your message.

 
A person who thinks differently from you would hear you as intrusive
and bullying. The beau’s judicial history aside, you sound like a mother
talking to her young child. No. Because I said so. Because I’m your
mother, that’s why. That won’t work, and the unintended
consequences are very large and likely. You need to listen to her, or                          convince her you are trying to listen. Though it’s scary, she may in fact
be right about some or all of what she’s saying. Though the odds that
you’re right are long in the aggregate, this guy may be an exception
and you need to at least think about that possibility. You also need to
evaluate the risks of how she’ll respond to how you respond. It’s not a
one-way street. She’s an adult. You cannot tell her what to do and
assume she’ll do it. She has the right and the ability to cut you out of
her life as much as you do to cut her out of your will. So you will need
to tread carefully and patiently. You will need to seem sincere in your
desire to understand her, even if you are doing it through gritted teeth
behind your patient exterior.

That said, how to actually respond: Do your best to slow things down
and make them kinder. Set up a series of times to talk to your
daughter. Think about having some of them in a context like
counseling. Or with a rabbi, or some other third party you both think
would be a good mediator to the process. Ask her to write down
everything that’s bothering her about how you are responding. Ask her
to plead his case in writing. Ask her to focus on the rational not the
emotional. By using a third party in the mix she’ll get other feedback
and perspective, as will you. To really get perspective, consider
meeting him.

 
Don’t threaten up front.  If you do, and then act on those threats she
will just assume you didn’t listen at all and that the whole process was
a sham. If you cannot make any change in your heart, or even if you
can, but remain suspicious put your will into a trust, something that
can only go to her in small increments or with other protective
triggers. Tell her if anything mysterious happens to her, there are
clauses that would get tripped. Accept that she likely will call you a
classist, racist, etc but she cannot compel you to do differently than
you want to do, any more than you can compel her.

 
Ultimately you need to decide if you’re willing to risk losing your
daughter, even temporarily, over this issue. It feels like life and death
to you, but she probably feels the same. The “if he gets parole” sounds
promising for you. Long distance relationships have a romantic charm
that can pale over time. Steel bars and glass panes are also a
deterrent. You don’t want to push her into an early conjugal
connection. Stall as long as you can before you commit to anything.
Maybe she’ll meet someone else in the interim. Until they actually tie
the knot you are safe.

Mother Hen

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My son is a good kid. He’s a scholar athlete and has been accepted
into his first choice college. It costs $40K a year more than we’d
budgeted for the state school that was his shoe-in. At State he’ll have
to compete for his preferred major (athletic training). At the premier
place he beat the odds (14 out of 800!!) and is already into a six-year
BA+PhD program. Last night he said he was sleeping at a friend’s,
which is also near his girlfriend’s. He’d told us her mom was out of
town so after dinner and a midnite movie we drove by both houses.
You guessed: his car was at his girlfriend’s. Note: condoms fell out of
his backpack last week, even though he’d sworn to us they weren’t
having sex. His scholarship essays are due next week. From what I
can tell he’s more committed to playing than writing, now that he’s
been accepted. I don’t want to pull 160K out of my house for a kid
who thinks lying and leaving the essays for mother to write is okay. I
love him but feel this is a last chance to teach him responsibility. His
father is more sympathetic. You get the tie-breaker on how we
respond.
Mother Hen

 
Dear Mother Hen:
Asking a teenager to swear off sex is almost the same as asking him
to lie to you. The old potato chip commercial, “Bet you can’t eat just
one!” is a pretty close equivalent. That doesn’t take him off the hook
for playing hooky with his scholarship applications, but you should
probably focus your energies where they’ll do the most good: making
him responsible for helping pay for his education, whether that’s by
writing essays, working his way through school, or taking out loans.
Sit him down with a spreadsheet of costs and revenue sources. Be
sure to identify everything you’ll have to pay for, including travel,
books, and fees. Then add up the commitments you’ve made to pay,
any scholarships he’s already received, and other possible sources of
funding (e.g. a future dorm counseller or work-study job). If the                                question is where should he go, I’m voting with the premier school. If
the question is how to pay for it, make him help. But punishing him for
being sexually active is a losing battle.

Had It

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My mom bugs me all the time about a decision I made six months ago. I was in
my first term at college and decided not to try out for football. I know all the good
things that come with being on a team because I double lettered all through high
school. But I also knew I’d get very little playing time compared to the kids they’d
recruited. Now she brings it up daily and it is driving me nuts. I am generally
respectful but I am starting not to want to answer her calls or texts. I dread the
idea of a summer dominated with why I am a disappointing failure. I’m enjoying
exploring different aspects of life at college and am not sorry I didn’t play. How
can I get her to see reason?
Had It

 
Dear Had It:
Every parent wants the best and most for their child. They tend to assume that
they have answers that are right, and that a younger person might make the
wrong decision out of lack of experience. That’s true even if they are the people
responsible for instilling values and teaching their children how to make good
decisions. That said, use her own techniques on her.

 
Ask her how you should handle a problem you have with a friend, someone who
has a personal habit that keeps bugging you. Ask her what’s a reasonable or
polite amount of times to bring it up and remind the person about it. Say you
really value her opinion and want to learn how she’d handle a similar situation.
Say you’re looking for an actual number, even a quota, of what’s appropriate,
and a time limit, a statute of limitations, on when you should stop bugging your
friend. Stick to theory until you get answers. Then say, Mom. That friend is you.
When you….. She’ll probably say parents are different, but it’ll shift the dynamic.

 

P.S. You may need to remind her again, but she’ll eventually listen. Time is on
your side.

Didn’t Raise a Quitter

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
Our son is a great kid. He was a B+/A- student in high school. For
years he has said he wants to be a doctor and we have not done
anything to contradict his dreams (usually a 4.0 is needed). The reality
is that he devoted a lot of time to sports (crew) and neglected his
schoolwork. But it did get him into a good school, one where he could
excel in athletics, but where his lack of study habits and lack of serious
commitment to academics will bring up some serious issues about his
future. Now he’s saying he wants to quit crew. We want him to stay in
because the athletic teams get special tutoring, the kind that might
make the difference to get him over the freshman hump. I know it’s a
lot of work to do both school and sports, but he’s young for his age
and we are more worried that he’ll succumb to the dangers of dorm
life. I’d rather have him sleepy from working out than hung over. Do
you have any compelling arguments about why he should stay on the
team?
Didn’t Raise a Quitter

 
Dear Didn’t Raise:
It’s hard when children don’t live up to parents’ expectations. It
sounds like you’ve raised a good son who has high ideals and a good
sense of commitment to what he sets his mind to. Study habits are
important, and yes a 4.0 may be necessary for med school. But so is
becoming a happy well-adjusted person, and that’s something that
requires as much role modeling and reinforcement as coaching
provides in sports.

 
Your goals for your son sound contradictory. If you want him focused
on school, then give him incentives to get good grades (perhaps in
tandem with some diminished feedback for not doing well) and
perhaps tutoring if he needs it. Yes he might get perks, but the
adjustment to college is also about learning to be a grown–up. If he’s
been hand-fed his whole life by overly protective parents, perhaps
what he needs most is the chance to make his own decisions, to
occasionally fall flat on his face, and to learn how to get up again. If he
learns to do that he can learn anything else.

Momma

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My youngest son is about to move 1500 miles away to be with his new
girlfriend and to start a life away from home. He’s 20, and a good kid,
who survived high-school scrapes, escaped “the bad crowd,” and sold
his car (his graduation present) to get his grubstake. He bought the
ticket as soon as the car sold, and unknowingly picked a time that I
have a kick-off meeting with a big new client. I could send my
longtime assistant, who is good technically but who lacks the
schmooze factor. I could probably go to the airport and leave after
check-in to make the meeting. Is it better or worse to show up at the
new client with a tear-streaked face (because I am bound to bawl after
I hug/kiss him goodbye) or to miss or reschedule the meeting?
Momma

 
Dear Momma:
Your son only leaves home once. That has to be your priority. You
either trust your longtime assistant to handle the appointment or you
don’t. If you don’t, move the appointment. If you trust her enough
sufficiently, do the schmooze on the phone and let her go do the
technical stuff.
I’d call the new client and schmooze the truth: My kid is leaving and I
need to say goodbye. Ask if you can move the meeting to an hour
later, or a day later, and say, your son made a decision that’s going to
inconvenience you, but only once. Add, We’ll knock $100 off your first
month’s bill for the hassle value, but I’ve thought about this and it’s
the only thing I can do. Any client with a heart will tell you to go and
cry and skip the $100 credit. But even if that’s what it costs you, be
his momma and not a businesswoman for that hour.

Creatively Bereft

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My son is almost two. He’s had the same nanny twenty-five hours a
week since he has been three months old. Unfortunately, she’s about
to move away to begin a graduate program. Her younger sister, whom
he also adores, is too busy with school to take over for her, so I am
going to have to find a new nanny. But I realized that I want to give
my old nanny a present. I don’t like giving money or gift certificates,
and I cannot think of something that’ll show her how much I care
about her. There’s also a chance that she’d become a nanny to my
younger son when she moves back here to write her dissertation.
Creatively Bereft

 
Dear Bereft:
I don’t know if you’ve taken pictures of your son with his nanny, but
generally a memento gift, with or without an accompanying gift
certificate, demonstrates both gratitude and affection. Among the best
things about living in the era of jpgs and mpv files, is that it is
relatively easy to cut and paste a very modern memento “book” onto a
cd/dvd combo pack. You can include all pictures you have of the two of
them together, as well as the many pictures I am sure you have of
your son and the rest of the family. You can organize it chronologically
9the most typical method) or by activity or event. Be sure to include
any pictures of the two sisters with the two boys, everything you can
think of to reinforce the bonding between the two families.

 
As for maintaining contact, in the world of social media, it is easier and
easier. Ask to link to one another on Facebook (or an equivalent site).
Then upload pictures of the boys regularly and be sure to read what
the sisters are doing. Write personal notes to them regularly. Treat
them like cousins and maybe they’ll stay part of the family.

Epic Summer

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m a middle-aged professional. My wife’s a CPA. Neither of us is a
partner yet, but we’re both trying, in our early 40’s, and second
careers. We work a lot and our two daughters, 11 and 5 are in school
or preschool while we do. We want them to have an old-fashioned
summer. The kind we had when we were kids: playing in the park,
some camp classes, but mostly free and unobstructed time, not having
to be shuttled from camp to classes, just because we’re at work all
day. We’ve interviewed three young gals from the local college, all of
whom work as nannies in the summer to earn tuition money. One
plays and teaches piano, which the older one does too. One is just
plain nice and seems ultra responsible. The third has no special skills
but the girls seem to like her a lot. How can we decide?
Epic Summer

 
Dear Summer:
On the one hand you cannot go wrong with any of the choices. On the
other, why not optimize the choice and us it as a teaching opportunity.
You can tell them you want their help in deciding, but that you’ll make
the final decision after talking to their references. That gives you the
final say and a reason to hang it on.
Have a family sit down and talk about needs, values, and priorities.
Set up a matrix of ranked items and then give everyone a sheet to fill
out. You or your wife may need to help the little one. Then compare
notes. Talk about why they liked one more or not, and what they really
want from the summer. Then check the references and talk to the gals
for a final interview, also discussing fees and flexibility of timing, which
may move you to one or the other. Whichever one you pick, keep on
good terms with the others as future baby-sitters, house-sitters, or
alternates in case number one says no.