Category Archives: Finances & Giving

Protective Momma

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
One of my closest friends gave my son a card and a book for his
graduation. We’ve included her in family events for ten years and I
think of her as a sister. Now, as a very cheap sister. She does hire him
for yard work and helped with his college essays. But my son is hurt,
especially when he compares her gift to the many $25, $50, even
$100 gift cards he got from many people much less close. Do I say
something or shut up?
Protective Momma

 
Dear Momma:
She may in fact be cheap. Or she may feel that she’s already done a
lot for your son. Or it may be that this is what she can afford now. It’s
always hard to see into people’s heads and hearts. Better to know
your own and to use this as a teaching moment for your son. Money’s
nice but perhaps the book will be something meaningful down the
road.

 
You do have the option of being less close or less inclusive. But I
would caution about saying anything directly. What will be tempting is
to say, [Son’s name] got $xyz in gifts. Try to let this go if you don’t
have any other running beefs in the friendship. If you do, and have
been sitting on other slights or resentments, you can use this as an
opening to a conversation about your friendship. But tread lightly until
you listen to her as well. She clearly sees this differently than you.
Also, be sure your son writes (or calls) a thank you to her and anyone
who gave him a gift. This is a good opportunity to learn how not to
have expectations and to practice good manners.

Whitewashed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I use my airline visa for everything and have lots of miles racked up.
My good friend has a big family and asked if she could buy miles to
take them on a trip. I suggested a trade for painting my sun porch
since her husband, once a contractor but now a teacher, isn’t working
this summer. She said yes, but after the fact sent over her eighteen-
year-old son, since the husband found a lucrative short-term gig. I’d
rather have had my handyman do the work, but having suggested the
trade didn’t see a way out. The son did a sloppy and inadequate job. I
don’t want to lose a friend over this but I feel like the bargain wasn’t
honored. What should I say or do?
Whitewashed

 
Dear Whitewashed:
Money between friends is always tricky. It would have been better to
separate the transactions. Sell her air miles; get a commitment that
the husband would do the work, even supervising the teenager, even
on a weekend. In the absence of an agreement beforehand, you are
pretty much stuck. You can ask the husband to come back and fix the
areas that are egregiously ugly, or offer to pay the two of them to
come back and put on a second coat. Note that a good friend would
interpret this offer and not accept payment. As with all painting
projects, the hassle value of disemboweling your house a second time
will be far worse than any other part of the project.

 

In the future, be really clear on what does and doesn’t work for you.
Friends are harder to come by than painters or handymen, so you
should not cause too big a stink. But let her know you are
disappointed and ask what she thinks would be a good way to resolve
things. You’ll work it out.

Found It!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
This is pretty embarrassing. A close friend of mine was coming to town
for a mutual friend’s son’s graduation party. I asked her to bring me
something that’s edgily available where I live but that she has special
access to because of a medical situation. I might be able to find it, but
because of my social and professional situation, I am not comfortable
asking around. I brought four $50 folded into my pants pocket. It
cost only $100, so I put the money back in my pocket, because my
purse was sitting around in a room with lots of strangers. At home
when I went to put my money away, it was gone. Not in pants, my
coat, the floor of my new car, etc etc. etc. I drove over to look in the
streets, not that one would expect $100 to be sitting there overnight.
But I had been showing off the car. I emailed her saying “If you
happen to find….” Then the money showed up in the wash, freshly
laundered and very crisp. Now I am embarrassed, plus getting lectures
about “How could you lose that much money!” I didn’t really want to
explain what it was for. How can I lose the unsolicited advice.
Found It!

 
Dear Found It:
Reading between the lines of your unspoken acquisition, I am
assuming some form of adult contraband, either medical marijuana
or something sexual. Whatever your habit, you have to remember,
and factor in, the hidden costs of feeding it. If you’d paid $200 instead
of $100 for the mystery purchase, would it have felt fair to you? If
you’d given $100 to charity, would you feel okay about that? What’s
really bothering you: the fact that you outed yourself without needing
to, or some other guilt?

 
PS When you go to a party where you don’t trust people, keep
everything in a front pocket or carry a very small purse with ID and
keys that you can keep with you at all times. I’d also counsel
developing local sources as well as cleaning up your act.

Not Cheap, Just Careful

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
We’re in peak Bar Mitzvah season. My son has attended about thirty of
them in the last two years. Each has required a nice gift and dress up
clothes, which for a growing-too- fast-too- believe almost teenager has
been an expensive proposition. In addition, there seems to be a very
unsubtle competition among the parents about who can put on the
biggest and most impressive shindig with the loudest and biggest
band, most expensive caterer, most creative cake, etc. We’re just
beginning to recover from recession-imposed traumas, including a
year’s lay-off for my wife. We have a year to save for his Bar Mitzvah,
but the list of what I’d rather spend the money on is very long. I don’t
want to embarrass my son by making him feel like the poor relation,
like I did when I was growing up, but I can’t live up to local standards
with a clear mind or bank account.

Not Cheap, Just Careful

 
Dear Careful:
Parents owe their children many important things: a safe and loving
home; physical safety and health; instruction about good values,
boundaries, and discipline; and generally instilling the idea that they
have the right to grow up to be good, happy, caring people whose job
is to make the world a better and happier place. They do not owe their
children fancy Bar Mitzvahs, big bands, overdone cakes or parties. This
is one of those great “teaching moments” that your son may or may
not get the first time around. But you have lots of time to plan and if
you make the planning a family activity it could be a bonding rather
than a divisive event.

 
Work with your son to plan a party that suits his interests. Explain that
you want him to have as much fun as he can, but it’s going to look
different than some of the others. Find a location that can
accommodate all the folks he wants to invite, and whom you may feel
owe him gifts. But instead of trying to match other families, make it
something so different and so special that folks thinks you are a trend-
setter. Also, put some chunk of the funds you save into a fund for your
son’s first car/insurance. That should teach him some goal orientation
and support the financial planning lesson.

Shocked

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’ve lived in my house for thirty years and hope to live here another
twenty. I’m responsible for some remodels as were the owner-builders
that I bought it from. It has been a safe constant through my two
marriages and divorces. I decided to foot the bill for rewiring, as I am
trying to anticipate any problems. They charged me $1,000 to “map”
the whole house and presented me with a three-phase upgrade plan. I
nixed all of phase three, cut $2,000 from the first two rounds, then
gave a go-ahead. They started with the modern things, wiring for data
etc. Now, when I am very close to the end of my budget, they
identified a “major fire danger.” Apparently all the remodels were
piggy backed onto ancient cloth wiring (several decades of building
code from safety). I am lucky it hasn’t burned. But it will cost several
thousand more to troubleshoot and fix. Am I liable for all the costs or
should they have started with the oldest and possibly most dangerous
areas first? I have been paying the bills as they come in.
Shocked

 
Dear Shocked:
Good points for prescience and planning. Too many house fires are
started by exactly the kind of problems that you must continue to
trouble shoot and fix. Lower marks for not being a better general
contractor. It’s too easy to assume technicians will do what would
make you safest. They’re in business to make money and probably did
what seemed right to them. But the old problems should have been
identified in the initial planning stage, So I think you have a good case
for arguing about the final bill

 
Stop paying bills ASAP. Say you’ll settle up when the work is done.
Accept that you will need to find and fix all the problems. Take the
money out of your equity if you need to. Plead your case when you get
the final bill. Say they should have started with the oldest sectors and
that you want $1,00 reduced for the failure of the mapping and                                planning. Be stubborn and keep arguing. You may not save it all but
you should get some kind of financial redress.

Dutiful But Disgusted

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My mother-in- law is a hoarder. Not a collector, but the kind of person they do TV
specials about. I just spent four days there with my husband. Four days, count
them; 3,500 miles; and $4K I could have used for my own home. We cleaned
halfway through her small bungalow. To give you a sense of how disgusting this
was, the first thing we did was to dedicate a “rat bag” for desiccated carcasses. It
went downhill from there. We wore gloves, masks, and looked like the HAZMAT
crew from a bad sci fi movie. We pay the taxes for her each year. The house also
needs about $2K of electrical and plumbing work immediately. I suspect she’ll
start relying on us every time something goes wrong. I am also afraid to give her
money lest she hit the garage sales again, buying “valuable antiques”. I know I’m
never spending another four days tossing and scrubbing again, but I feel fatalistic
about the likelihood she’ll recreate the chaos. How responsible are we to rescue
her from herself?
Dutiful But Disgusted

 
Dear Dutiful:
You have two different issues: How much do you want to invest in this
clearly declining situation for how long? Also what, if any, guarantees
can you require in exchange for your financial support that minimize or
slow, if not prevent, the slide into future chaos.

 

A lot depends on how your husband feels about being responsible for her,                        and also what lines of communication are open between you and her (after the
cleansing). My first recommendation might be social services to see
what help’s around, but in these budgetary days I am not optimistic.
You didn’t mention a synagogue or friends, but getting local help
should be an important priority. Keep asking questions till you locate
helpful allies, even if you have to rent them.

 
In an ideal world you and your husband would identify an annual
mother-care budget. That can include tax money, repair money,
whatever you are willing and able to pay for. Giving that money to the
taxman or the technicians (directly with invoices, btw, not to the
acquisitive mother) has to be contingent on a walkthrough the place to
be sure it at a reasonable level of cleanliness. This can be done on                                Skype, by someone with a laptop, preferably someone you hire, with
no vested interest in the outcome. Not clean, no contribution. Clean,
you help. Not easy but the best you can do from across the country.
Your husband will have to return, even if you do not.

Mother Hen

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My son is a good kid. He’s a scholar athlete and has been accepted
into his first choice college. It costs $40K a year more than we’d
budgeted for the state school that was his shoe-in. At State he’ll have
to compete for his preferred major (athletic training). At the premier
place he beat the odds (14 out of 800!!) and is already into a six-year
BA+PhD program. Last night he said he was sleeping at a friend’s,
which is also near his girlfriend’s. He’d told us her mom was out of
town so after dinner and a midnite movie we drove by both houses.
You guessed: his car was at his girlfriend’s. Note: condoms fell out of
his backpack last week, even though he’d sworn to us they weren’t
having sex. His scholarship essays are due next week. From what I
can tell he’s more committed to playing than writing, now that he’s
been accepted. I don’t want to pull 160K out of my house for a kid
who thinks lying and leaving the essays for mother to write is okay. I
love him but feel this is a last chance to teach him responsibility. His
father is more sympathetic. You get the tie-breaker on how we
respond.
Mother Hen

 
Dear Mother Hen:
Asking a teenager to swear off sex is almost the same as asking him
to lie to you. The old potato chip commercial, “Bet you can’t eat just
one!” is a pretty close equivalent. That doesn’t take him off the hook
for playing hooky with his scholarship applications, but you should
probably focus your energies where they’ll do the most good: making
him responsible for helping pay for his education, whether that’s by
writing essays, working his way through school, or taking out loans.
Sit him down with a spreadsheet of costs and revenue sources. Be
sure to identify everything you’ll have to pay for, including travel,
books, and fees. Then add up the commitments you’ve made to pay,
any scholarships he’s already received, and other possible sources of
funding (e.g. a future dorm counseller or work-study job). If the                                question is where should he go, I’m voting with the premier school. If
the question is how to pay for it, make him help. But punishing him for
being sexually active is a losing battle.

To Go or Not to Go?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’ve been in relationship with Malcolm for three years. He’s twelve
years older, has two boys, and used to be employed and self-
supporting, got involved in a stupid venture, lost his shirt, had a rough
patch when I started supporting him, and is now on his way back to
solvency. I’ve paid for rent, food, and even part of his child support for
the last two years. A friend of his gave him, repeat gave him, four
tickets to the college championship game for his birthday, saying you
haven’t had any fun for a long time. It will still cost a fortune I don’t
have to get us there and back, put us up and feed us, not to mention
souvenirs etc for the kids. I just want to give them back. He wants to
sell them, or maybe sell two to pay for a trip for just the two of us (the
kids would stay with his ex). I’d love a vacation but I still think we
can’t afford it. I’m also not sure I want to keep supporting him, but
that’s a bigger problem.
To Go or Not to Go?

 
Dear To Go or Not to Go:
I agree that the prospective vacation is probably the least of your
problems. I also happily note that your email is not littered with the
usual I love him so much that generally peppers emails from people in
troubled relationships. That’s how they justify any number of
egregious lifestyles, supporting someone you’re not married to for
several years among them, though not the worst.

 
A vacation is a bad choice for this time of your relationship and
finances. I don’t think you get to sell the tickets and pocket the
proceeds. I think you owe it to the donor to tell him you will not use
the tickets. Ask him if we wants two or four of them back. Or offer to
sell them for him, and ask for some share of the proceeds as a thank
you for doing the work. If you’re really lucky he’ll tell you to keep the
tickets and the money from selling them. But to just act as though
you’re going and then keep the cash seems rude. It also should give
you another window to look at your boyfriend’s values.

Piqued

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
Tell me if I am being too sensitive. My (older) sister and I (two of four
sibs, two of three sisters) live across country from the rest of the
family. Sarah helped my family get started twenty years ago by letting
us live with her for a few months but since then I have started a
successful business, my husband has gotten retrained and is high on
the local food chain of school district computer guys, and our sons are
applying to med school and in junior college.

 

Last week when we discussed hosting a family reunion on one of the Keys,                       she said, “I’ll help if money is a problem.” This from a woman who was on the                verge of bankruptcy a year ago, to me, a woman with a vibrant IRA and a
plan to have the house paid off within eight years. I know for a fact I
make at least $50K more than she does, and her husband is only part-
time electrician. I don’t want to rub her nose in it but I am tired of Big
Sister thinking she’s always ahead of me.
Piqued

 
Dear Piqued:
I think you have some unresolved childhood issues with your older
sister that’re getting in the way of your adulthood. Your life sounds
pretty well together, in contrast to hers. It may be that she needs to
reassert her seniority to equalize the obvious imbalances in your
lifestyles. Or it may be that she is truly oblivious to her own issues and
unconscious about your financial situation. Her offer is generous,
though unlikely to be backed up with money, so really an empty
gesture you shouldn’t get too worked up over.

 
Reply simply. Say We have plenty of money to carry our share of this
trip. What you may see as limited resources are part of our voluntary
simplicity and savings plan. I probably make as much as you do so
we’re game if you are. Do not, repeat not, and tell her what you
actually make. It’s in bad taste if you know it puts her in a bad light,
and simply an unnecessary show of one-upmanship. Unless of course                              you want to be the one she turns to when she’s bust. In that case
you’ll reap the just rewards of bragging.

Off the Ledge

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My husband was unemployed for ten months and just got a job. We
managed to hold onto the house but depleted all our savings trying to
survive. My job seems stable and if my boss is to be believed I am in
line for promotion. The kids are grown and seem to be coping with the
economy, better than we are in fact. There’s lots of deferred
maintenance in our lives that’s screaming for attention. And while it
may sound trivial, we’ve been living poor for so long I cannot recall the
last time we’ve done anything more than a bottle of wine and a video
for a blazing Saturday night. I want to be able to celebrate our good
fortune but have begun to feel like my grandparents, who always
referenced The Great Depression before they spent a dime. How can I
balance necessity and joy?
Off the Ledge

 
Dear Off the Ledge
Unless you’re a very unusual person, you’re familiar with the concept
of dieting. You’re facing a very similar situation. You need to set goals,
establish a money diet, and then stick to it. Even though you’re off the
ledge, nothing is assured, so until you have a robust savings account
again (imagine what your life would have been without one), you’re
going to have to live with one eye on the vicissitudes of the economy.
Sorry. You’re not alone.

 
Start with an inventory, system by system of all the deferred
maintenance in your lives. That means everything from the plumbing
to getting your teeth cleaned. Go person-by- person, location-by-
location, system-by- system. Takes notes on what’s needed, how long
it can be delayed, a d what the estimated cost will be. Rank your
priorities both by what you want and the downside risk of not doing
the repairs (personal or domestic). Take your monthly income and
divide it into three parts: what you need to live on now (a step up
from where you’ve been, but not high on the hog); some amount
towards savings; and something to the fix-it list. Set goals for each
category and give yourself appropriate carrots and sticks for meeting
and missing them. In six months, you should have a better sense of
what’s solid and what’s not. Then you can recalibrate your priorities.

Semi-pro

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m an amateur artist who’s ready to start being more professional.
I’ve produced a really beautiful painting this month, just in time to
enter it into the local mayor’s art show. I paid to have it really nicely
framed, and, because the competition only accepts digital images, to
have a really nice picture taken of it. The gallery would take 45% of
the painting sells. So far, not even counting my time, I am several
hundred dollars in debt. But mostly I want to get in. There are about
100 entries and maybe 75 selected. The gallery makes money if things
sell. One friend said people only buy high-priced art because they
think it’s worth more; another said price low and who cares if you
don’t make money. What do you think?
Semi-pro

 
Dear Semi-pro:
I think the phrase “starving artist” comes from the fact that buying
objects of beauty is a luxury purchase. In the world of mass-produced
cheap art, buying an original painting is going to happen primarily
because someone falls in love with it, not strictly because of the price.
That said, what’s your goal: to get into the show, sell the piece, and/or
get people to see what you do?

 
Since this is your maiden voyage, set the price where you would with
no/low overhead bite by a gallery, as long as that covers all your out-
of-pocket costs and their take. Rationalize by saying you had fun
making the art, and if you get in, there’s potential upside to being
acknowledged and seen. If it sells, slowly increase your prices the next
time. Or experiment and go much higher, to see if perceived value
changes because of cost. Most importantly: have fun with every part
of the process. Art is an expression of joy and gratitude. If it becomes
anything else, take a break.

Lose Lose

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m in the middle of a fight with my friend. My side: She’s always
negative, complains ad nauseum about everything from a stubbed toe
to a flat tire. She’s living very very close to the edge financially, but
alternates between denial and crisis. Last week she found out she
needed two thousand dollars for house repairs. A colleague had just
said she needed someone to help her with organizational chores
(something my friend could easily handle) and was willing to pay
$1500. My friend said no to the work, saying she “wanted to work on
her art.” She “jokes” that when she has no more money she’ll move in
with me. Not! Oh yes, she’s stoned on pot at least half the time.

 

Her side: I “worry” too much, am too concerned about money and material
fears, and don’t trust the benevolence of the universe. She’s
“disappointed” in me as a friend because I don’t listen to her like I
used to in the days when she declared that we had a “whining clause.”
She was so “hurt” she said she wanted to “take a break” but I know
it’s a guilt trip to get me to apologize. Now what?
Lose Lose

 

Dear Lose Lose:
I’m reminded of the old joke about the guy in the flood who keeps
beseeching God to be rescued. A boat drifts by, then a helicopter
comes, but the guy on the roof lets them pass by, then calls out to
God. The voice comes from the heavens: I sent a boat; I sent a
helicopter. How much more rescue do you want? In her case the
admin job was the rescue, and the fact that she turned it down tells
me a lot.

 

I’d take her up on her offer. First email and say you’re going to think
about it for a week. But if you do not feel more compassionate,
patient, and co-dependent after Yom Kippur, then tell her you agree
with her, that you need to take a break. Say you think you’ll both need
to change to heal the relationship, but you will insist in more honesty.
Don’t expect her to appreciate your decision. She’ll probably be angry.                                But you are at a crossroads with this friendship and are going to need
to be clear about what boundaries you are willing to accept or not.
Also if you’re willing to be her safety net when all else fails.

Getting Close to Blowing Up Too!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My husband teaches shop and can fix anything. I believe the exception
should be my 1977 VW van, which burst into flames last week. She
(“Gertrude”) looks like something off the streets of Baghdad. I earn
enough to afford a new car, which I think I deserve, as I bring in more
than half the household income. He wants to buy a $5K oldie and have
a year to fix up the van. I see that as buying trouble and wasting time.
But how do I convince him that the other long-delayed items on his
honey-do list are far more important, and that restoring the blackened
shell is a waste of time and money. Divorce seems too high a threat.
Getting Close to Blowing Up Too!
Dear Getting Close:
Divorce is too strong an outcome, but not a bad place to start with a
hyperbolic threat as in, Do you want t get divorced over this? It’s the
kind of shot over the bow that will at least get his attention and make
him believe you are serious.
After 34 years you deserve a new car. Do your research. Identify the
top two-three models that meet your needs. Get a trusted friend to go
car shopping with you to be sure you have your options right. Then
come to the dinner table with the following proposition: Hubby, I’m not
going to drive another oldie. I’ve done the research and I wan to buy
an A, B, or C. I think I can get a good deal on the end of this year’s
models, but could probably bargain better with my guy helping me
negotiate. [Note: single women pay more at car dealers.] Please shop
with me and help me get the best price. I will pay for it out of our
equity line of credit from the house so we’ll get a tax break while we
pay it off. If you want to make a hobby out of resurrecting Gertrude
you are welcome to drive her when you’re done. But I’d rather put that
money towards Gertrude 2. My money’s on you.

Hanging On

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My husband died last year (suicide). Two months later I was laid off.
Needless to say I was a mess. My wonderful boys and I have been
living with my mom in what is a pretty good arrangement. I have been
paying COBRA (losing insurance would be the last blow, though fragile
as I am so might losing my keys). As I was decluttering, I found a
letter re my dental COBRA being terminated for non-payment. I could
afford to pay to reinstate it (i.e. pay the retroactive benefits). Is there
a court of mercy in insurance?
Hanging On

 
Dear Hanging on:
Here’s the reality: People generally have 60 days to say yes or no to
Cobra, then they fall back into the general risk pool of the
underinsured. Dental insurance is not that hard to acquire relative to
say medical insurance, for several reasons. Unless someone has
unique genetics or history, teeth are pretty much teeth and unlike
heart disease, diabetes, and the other biggies not a great discriminator
between the healthy and the less so.

 
The only out involves a healthy dose of moral elasticity, acting skills,
and perseverance. Call the COBRA provider and say the equivalent of,
I tried to make an appointment for teeth cleaning and they told me the
insurance is lapsed. I’ve been paying my COBRA every month. What
gives? It’s close enough to the truth you can sound convincing. Listen
through the Why you are not covered speech, ask for a supervisor,
and maintain a stance of righteous indignation. Keep proclaiming that
you have been paying, were never told there were two different
COBRA payments, and are willing to pay arrears. Odds are still that
you’ll lose, sorry to say. Six months is an eon in insurance land. But by
my back-of- the-envelope math, you’re better off putting the deferred
payments towards actual tooth care than paying for the past. Also
deferring any care that can wait until you get a job. If you’re
desperate, get an individual policy.

 

My condolences btw. It sounds like a rough patch. I hope your
mothering skills are great and you have a strong network of friends.

Dilemma of Riches

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I recently took a vacation to see relatives with my children. My
husband had work commitments and did not come. I was a little
concerned traveling in rural areas but we had the car checked out,
planned to travel in daylight, had snacks and water in a gas-filled tank,
every precaution you can imagine. Instead of a catastrophe, I have a
very different problem. I’m not complaining, but I am in a quandary.
On a remote highway in the west of the state, I noticed a troronado of
cash swirling in the wind off the side of the road. I pulled over,
grabbed everything I saw without noticing the denominations. I looked
around, saw no one, heard nothing, so decided to drive off. It turned
out to be 14 one-hundred dollar bills and no one around, except my
one- and three-year old….
Dilemma of Riches

 
Dear Riches
No city. No police. No one to turn it in to. Also not a place a woman
and kids want to go wandering around door-knocking saying, Hey do
you want a wad of free money? What a perfect test of moral elasticity.
Are you sure you didn’t see a psychologist with a clipboard lurking in
the bushes? First thing: Run an ad on the local craigslist lost and found
page: Did you lose a green rectangular object in the windstorm on
[date]? If so email x@ with a description. Note: do not use your own
email; set up a dummy account at yahoo or google. Not to stereotype,
but loose hundreds may be part of drug deal. Screen answers for
someone who’s willing to say, I lost money in the wind. Then say you’ll
have the local police come talk to them. If they answer again, go down
that road.
One question is, do you tell your spouse. Another is whether you keep
any or all of the cash. If your kids are too young to understand the
concept of money, you can call it litter pickup and pocket it all, if your
conscience would let you. I am betting not. My recommendation is that
you wait two weeks for the craigslist option to expire. Then give
enough to charity that you can tell the kids it is an object lesson in
honesty. Keep the rest to pay for a treat. Your call what the ratio is,
but I recommend at least 50% to charity, and 100% if you want to
feel extra special.