Category Archives: Relationships

Bruised Ego

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I ended a long-term relationship two years ago, about the same time
that I met a new friend who moved in down the block. She was on the
tail end of bitter divorce and custody fight. I supported her emotionally
through all the trials and tribulations of that process, as well as
through the detritus of a poorly chosen and ill-timed liaison that
started and ended badly and loudly. I think she has had bad
relationship karma, but it looks like it is turning around. She is
currently being pursued by two eligibles, either of whom I would be
happy to have dial my number. Suddenly she is not available to do as
we have been doing, which is to spontaneously grab a dinner and/or
movie, and be one another’s go-to person for someone to hang out
with. Do I weather this storm or say something? I’m feeling a little
used.

Bruised Ego

 
Dear Bruised:

As an evolutionary biologist would tell you, we’re hard-wired to mate.
That should not be to the exclusion of friend relationships but often,
especially at the beginning of dating cycles, that’s exactly what
happens. In my youth someone coined the term ‘she fell in a well” to
describe the inevitable three-six month absence we would experience
when a friend of our larger social circle had a new beau. Depending on
the quality and duration of the relationship, your friend may come
back with her tail between her legs, after rejecting (or being rejected
by) either or both of the would-be suitors. But there’s no guarantee.
I’d counsel caution rather than bitterness. Leave her a voice-mail that
says, I miss you and would love to spend time catching up. I know
your dance card is fuller than it was, but I miss the quality time we’ve
had. If we can’t be spontaneous, perhaps we can plan something specific.
Then see how she responds. Who knows, if she does end up
in a happy new relationship, maybe her new someone will have a
buddy who might appreciate you. Then you could be double dating
rather than hoping you had a friend to sit around with complaining
about ex’s and the lack of available people to date.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m 31. I have been with the same guy since my junior year in high
school. We were separated for college and grad school, but lived
together ever since, in NYC, London, SanFran, and now Portland. The
only reason we ever got married was when we moved to England,
where our status affected so many things. I’m a psychologist; hubby is
a banker. His employer has paid for all our relocation and many other
benefits. But all the moving around has affected my career. I now
have impressive credentials, but I am also ready to start a counseling
practice and settle down in one place. We bought a lovely home for
cash (hubby is frugal and wise). He’s saying, it’s time to start a family.
OMG! We’d agreed since high school: no kids. I feel a lot of pressure
to put my professional life on hold again, though he claims he’s ready
to leave the world of banking and become a house husband, or work
part-time from home as a consultant. I feel like his decision came out
of nowhere and I have very little time to decide something that’ll affect
the rest of my life.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

 
Dear Tick Tock:

You are absolutely correct that having a baby is not a choice to be
made lightly, quickly, or to appease another person. If you are going
to parent, you need to be 100% on board, and enter the process with
an open mind and heart. Right now, you are not qualified to mommy,
though I suspect that would change if you actually had a child.
Fortunately, your clock is not ticking as quickly as you fear. Many
people have healthy babies in their thirties. You and hubby have more
than enough time to have long, deep, sincere, and honest
conversations about your respective careers, finances, and prospective
parenting roles. The one thing that is not negotiable is having or not
having a baby. It’s an either/or decision that you have to embrace
fully if you go ahead, and he has to forgive fully if you do not.

 

 

You’re the professional counselor. Do you believe in the process? This
sounds like a situation you two should engage in with one another,
and then get a clear-minded, objective third party to help you resolve.
The list of candidates should not include relatives of any stripe, who
are likely to have strong and biased opinions. I suggest you not
discuss this with any of them until you are clearer unless you want to
be campaigned by more folks than your husband.
PS. I know a rash of newborns and not one of the parents isn’t
beaming. But I also know many happy people without children. Take
your time.

Thinking About It

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I&'m trying to decide about getting back together with an ex. We were
good friends for many years and then after my second divorce and her
first (24 years in my case and 20 in hers) were friends with benefits in
an on-again/off- again relationship for three years. We started out
keeping it secret and being very clear it was “not a relationship” but it
is hard to be so wonderfully intimate with someone without falling in
love at least a little. The problem is we were never in love with the
other at the same time and it ended over mutual frustration at un-met
expectations. We took time to re-grow our friendship, which has been
very caring since then. She&'s been single as I am now. I had an
intense relationship in between with someone who moved away (I’m
settled here). My ex and I have each “confessed” to “thinking about”
starting up again. I’m I didn’t want to be involved the first time) How
can I know what&'s good, right, and fair?

Thinking About It

 
Dear Thinking About It:

If you made a vocabulary list of words like love, passion, intense,
romance on one side of the page, and caring, friendship, and thinking
about on the other, you might think the lists were about two different
people. Good, right, and fair might end up on a very different list.
I understand you are probably lonely after the end of your grand
relationship. She may be lonely for lack of having had one. Beginning,
or re-beginning under those kind of circumstances almost certainly
dooms your next phase to a repeat of the first round: two people who
aren’t really committed to making a go of a real relationship, trying to
find physical satisfaction and comfort with one another. It might work
for a little while. But it’s not likely to sustain either of you for the long
run, at least if you start off like that.

 
You have many options from which to choose. Here’s three: Share a
bottle of wine, put it all on the table, agree that this is a brief interlude
and that you’ll go back to friendship after a fixed period of time. Treat
one another the way you would a new potential partner: date and hold
hands, and see if real romance emerges, in synch, for both of you.
Stay friends only and commiserate over your loneliness verbally, but
save the dating and sex for other people, one of whom might turn out
to be right for you or her to have a real relationship with. To decide,
think about whether it would be good, right, and fair for someone to
treat you like you are thinking about treating her.

Dense?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I met someone on a dating site four months ago. We started off
gangbusters: had regular meetings for coffee or a meal, and got
together whenever he was in my town (he lives an hour away). I went
to visit there for pleasant afternoons, dog walks, and movies. I was
told I was “welcome to stay over” (not very romantic in my world) but
there was never more than a friendly hug or polite kiss in all the time
we’ve known one another. There were breaks for various vacations but
I’d say we’ve seen one another at least a dozen times all together. He
told me very early in that he wasn’t in a romantic state of mind but
that he enjoyed our time together. Now he’s starting to talk about
“looking for people to date.” Is that as explicit a way of saying, “but
not you” as I am likely to hear? I’m not wild about rejection, and while
I enjoy this guy as a friend, I too am looking for someone to date, and
if it isn’t going to be him, I feel like I should pull back from regular
texting and phone calls and offering a home-cooked meal, It feels like
an old relationship: lots of caring but no sex. I want to at least start
off hot and then see what happens.

Dense?

 
Dear Dense:

Kissing and hugging, the romantic kind, give a very different message
than a casual invite to the implicit guest room. They are an
unambiguous invitation towards sexuality. Polite hugs and polite kisses
are the opposite, as are the very clear messages of wanting to date
other people. Your new friend is being deliberately consistent in his
messaging. You’re the one in denial if you think that there’s mixed
messaging going on.

 
What you’re calling a relationship is a friendship. Cleary he values you.
But saying he wants to look for someone to date is as simple as a kind
rejection gets. You have two options. If you ask, What about me?
Aren’t we dating? You move very quickly to the I think of you as a
friend talk. If you become less available, you might see if he moves
towards you. But realistically it’s only the timing of getting to closure
sooner or later. I don’t think this one is going in the direction you
want, no matter how slowly it takes to go the other way. Go back to
the dating site.

Not Really That Edgy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I almost had an affair. The ex-lover of one of my good friends, who
moved here to take a new job, is incredibly intelligent, charming, and
fun. He’s also self-centered, and used to getting what he wants from
almost everyone, women or men. We flirted for weeks, made out
passionately, but at the last minute I chickened out of more.
Something scared me, at a movie of the week level. There was an
intensity about his sexuality that scared me, in a lurid way, made me
want to run for garlic and a holy book. I gave him goodwill-bound
furniture and when he didn’t say thanks I wrote him to say goodbye,
that he was just too self- centered. He just left me a voicemail saying,
It’s been three months, I miss you, I was wrong; meet me for dinner and
a good talk, my treat. Part of me misses him, because most of the
people in my life pale by comparison. The rest of me says run to say
no. How do I decide?
Not Really That Edgy

 
Dear Not Edgy:
I’m not a fan of violent movies, but like the rest of the audience I
know the pretty coed should not – repeat Not Not Not – enter the
spooky abandoned house alone, no matter how curious she is or
important it seems. So I’m telling you: listen to your gut. I don’t know
from vampires, ghosts, or dybbuks. But I do know that the risk of
being assaulted by a mortal weirdo is much higher than it should be. If
your body and soul are giving you strong warning signals, you should
listen and obey.

 
If you feel an obligation for closure, meet for coffee in a public place,
talk about your full life, and put any lingering feelings to rest. But be
prepared for a full-on assault of charm. Have plans to meet a friend
right after, and don’t make plans to see this guy again. If you live
alone, and you get the feeling that the guy may be a stalker, consider
investing in an alarm system. I’m not trying to make you scared. But I
am trying to tell you to listen to your own inner alarm system, and not                                to put yourself at risk for someone who sounds like an arrogant
narcissist.