Category Archives: Relationships

Grrrrrrrr

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just visited my daughter, son-in- law, and grandkids. The kids are
great (two boys 7 and 10, and a girl 4). But I saw several things that
disturbed me. My son-in- law is a like a fourth child. He does cross-fit
every day. He comes home with bloody hands and exhausted and
plops in front of a screen of some sort, work or sports. I understand
that the kids are spoiled, but that nobody other than my daughter
even takes their dishes to the sink, let alone help empty the
dishwasher, and generally be more responsible is very hard for me to
watch. He is a high-powered corporate sales guy, but it’s hard to teach
kids good values when only one parent is role modeling responsible
household behavior. My daughter is constantly walking around the
house picking up after all four of them. I hate to bite my tongue when
my son-in- law complained that she had seemed peeved and had taken
away a beer he hadn’t been finished with. I pitched in where I could,
but she said having help that disappeared was almost worse. I don’t
want to be seen as the meddling other-in- law. But I see my daughter
struggling to keep up and perpetually tired. What can I say?

Grrrrrrrr

 
Dear Grrrrrrr:

Every household has its own dynamics around chores and perceived
responsibilities. I come from the “teach them young” school, because
otherwise we will end up raising generations of entitled young who
think the rest of the world are their servants. That’s more than an
issue of class and superiority; it’s a matter of politeness and
appreciation as well as creating a culture of mutual responsibility.
Tell your daughter that she has to be the messenger, unless she wants
you to do it via email or Skype. I’d counsel that it be her, but you can
role-play and work out the kinks with her before she talks to the
family.

 

The messages should be these: The world won’t always be your
servant. Everyone has to help. If you don’t, people won’t like and
respect you and then you’ll get a reputation for being a slacker instead
of a nice person, which you are. From now on everyone is responsible
for carrying all their plates and glasses to the sink. You boys will help
me unload the dishwasher and [girl] will have special ways to help
until she’s older. If you spill something, grab a sponge and clean it up.
If you take things out of the fridge or cupboards, put them away in the
place you found them when you are done. And for one hour each
weekend we’re going to have a family clean-up project, all working
together so we can sing and whistle while we work.

 
As for the husband, he needs to model good housekeeping for the kids.
And he needs to put his happy face on around them. If they see him
complaining, they won’t respect or listen to your daughter. So tired or
not, he too needs to pitch in before he gets screen time.

Daughter in Law

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I do not want you or your readers to hate me or think I am an unkind,
unfeeling, or horrible person. But I have lived in a small world of hurt
for the past sixteen months, after my mother-in- law moved in our
home, making it and my life a living hell. She is mean-spirited, sharp-
tongued, manipulative, nasty, ungrateful, unhappy, and generally
unpleasant. I have tried being solicitous, kind, friendly, helpful and,
when that failed, have occasionally tried to be more withdrawn,
leaving my husband to take greater responsibility for her care,
something he tends to avoid, out of a mix of denial, shame, fear, and
generalized reluctance to take care of household chores other than
repairs. She has the usual mental decline of age exacerbated by what
seems to me like selective memory loss, but I have become cynical.
Physically she would probably outlive both of us, especially with the
stress her presence is causing in our home and marriage. That’s what I
thought till last week when she fell, and in the ER was told she had
high blood sugar and needed more careful monitoring.

 

My husband and I had an almost three-week trip on the calendar, planned
long ago and over which we have no control of timing; it is go or don’t go,
leaving in a week. We had planned for in-home care but now have
decided to put her into assisted living while we are gone, so the docs
can get her more stable. The question is this: When we return, should
she stay there or move back with us? My argument: Her ailments are
intermittent but potentially serious; give her better care, which she
can absolutely afford, and give us a chance to remember we used to
like one another. My husband could go visit her daily (he recently
retired). His counter: She’s my mother; she doesn’t want to go there
are at all; it’ll use up our inheritance; I feel guilty. I am past caring
about money that may never come to us but she could use to improve
our lives now by paying to live elsewhere. What say you? Oh yes, PS,
I, who haven’t been sick three days since we married, have had a
series of week or two-week long flues and ailments in the past three
months. I know it is partially stress, but it has cut into my ability to
meet clients and earn our mortgage money.

Daughter in Law

 

Dear Daughter In Law:

Even the kindest, sweetest, most generous of soul and spirit addition
to a household can cause disruption and occasional aggravation. That’s
true when both partners are on board with what’s required for the
daily care and nurturing of an elderly parent. The difficult situation you
are describing, albeit with the relieved joy of a rant to an anonymous
reader, does not seem healthy or sustainable. It’s unlikely to prove a
peaceful and relaxing trip with the Sword of Damocles hanging over
your head about whether or not she returns.

 
When you communicate to her about any or all of this, be sure to
preface every other sentence with Your Doctor Says,…. as the reason
why she is going to assisted living. Be sure the staff reiterates that
medical necessity and her quality of health is the most important
variable that everyone is watching. The question of her return home
should be something that is discussed only in terms of her health and
no guarantees should be made that both you and your husband cannot
agree on.

 
The two of you will need to find a same page to be on. In this
circumstance, one of you is inevitably going to feel like a loser. The
only way of dealing with that is in some mediated forum, like a
counselor, where you can both speak your piece and feel heard. If she
does return to the home, you must be guaranteed time out periods,
perhaps even evenings or weekend time when you visit or even stay
with friends. Even if he uses some of his mother’s money to hire in-
home care, that will help your husband confront the truer impacts of
caring for her, something it sounds like he has avoided. If I were
voting I’d side with you, but I haven’t heard his version.
“For better or worse” sounds like it’s been bad for both and worse for
you, so in my book you have the right to ask for relief, both temporary
and long term. Either that or buy her or you a personality transplant.
And let me know where you found it so I can spread the word.

Dilemma of Riches

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a month into a new relationship. We are both of age and well-off.
Neither cares about marriage again, but we have lots of interests in
common including travel. We are just getting used to and learning
each other’s likes and dislikes. Our tastes in movies and books are
quite similar, but in food very different. He is a bigger guy than I have
been with before, but I don’t mind. I am a little zaftzig and trying to
reduce before surgery. I don’t want to go fanatic on him about calories
or carbs. I don’t even care if he decides to lose weight. But I care a lot
about not having to choose between a potentially very good
relationship with him and a healthy relationship with my own body. Do
you have any wisdom to navigate the next several months?

Dilemma of Riches

 
Dear Dilemma:

The reasons we eat and overeat are many and varied. As one of my
very zafzig friends once said to me: I genuinely LIKE food. Assuming
you are an adult about what you like and what you need to do for your
body, create a generalized set of rules to address your pre-surgical
needs. Try to set limits of calories or carbs that are at least a little
elastic within a given week. That might be an allowance for eating
meals out or a one-day- a-week of not counting, as well as giving
yourself some special occasion passes for weddings or other big
events. What I have learned the very hard way is that any plan that is
pure black/white yes/no day in/out is almost certainly doomed to
failure. You’re going to have to learn to trust yourself and to be able to
say both Yes and No as necessary.

 
Once you know what you’re doing, take your new honey out for dinner
to discuss it. Be very clear about saying, I do not want my food habits
to harm this emerging us. I want you to decide what works for you
and I am not making any judgments about what you decide to do or
not. But I want you to know what I am going to try, in the hope that
when we are together, you will be more supportive rather than
tempting me to go off program. I promise to make it up to you in
kisses, if that’s any motivation. My guess is that your honey will say
yes and you will both reap the benefits.

Too Much Hubby

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband finally agreed to go to couples counseling, a month before
retirement, so we had only the three visits covered by his Employee
Assistance Program in which to discuss the imminent changes that will
make his upcoming retirement tolerable. These have to do with
communication, scheduling, alone time, expectations about when I will
and will not be available, and a host of issues that have plagued the
marriage for years, not soon to be exacerbated to what I fear may be
an unbearable degree. I love the guy, but living with him is hell. The
counselor, who was great, gave us a list of homework assignments
that focused on how to talk to one another, how to make plans, and
what to do if we felt like hitting one another with a frying pan. It is all
coming unraveled. What can we do?

Too Much Hubby

 
Dear Too Much Hubby:

Go back to counseling. It is not magic. And any marriage that has
been plagued with problems for yours but still endured is worth the
investment of time and money that will be required. Virtually every
counselor will accept private pay clients, if the post-EAP cost is not
covered by your medical insurance. If you like the person, and if the
issues are just beginning to be addressed, you are far better off
sticking with it than letting them slide and then having to start over
again.

 
Talk to the counselor by phone if possible, or take part of a session to
lay out an affordable three-to- six month plan. That should identify not
only the timing of schedules but get both of you to agree to sick to
agreements made in sessions, at least until the next session. Make
changes one step at a time, and give yourself two weeks to let them
become habit, to help each other to stay committed to the newly
inspired marriage. Change could become a fun new addition to your
life.

Three, and Counting?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m on marriage number three. Number one was short and unpleasant.
He was an abusive jerk, and while I could put up with the demeaning
language, when he started hitting it was over, pronto. Number two
was a wonderful happy year until he got brain cancer. I have a lovely
son and many great memories, but also a decade of caretaking that
left me exhausted. I met number three on the internet and the first
five years were great. Lots of travel, volunteer work, and busying
ourselves with creative projects (him woodworking, me fabric arts and
local food movement). David has slowly been going blind, and is now
legally so, though he can still work with tools without losing any
fingers. He expects me to drive him everywhere, from his adjunct
teaching position to various medical appointments. I have a full life of
my own, and while I don’t mind helping, I do not want to be on call
24/7. There is a ride service for disabled folks in our town, but it
requires 24 hours notice and he is most definitely not a planner. He
usually gives me an hour heads up. Last night we had a huge blowup
when he refused to ok using household money to a small venture I am
starting, saying “It’s just going to fail.” I lost it, and told him I was
hurt and needed a life beyond being his chauffeur. His answer, “Well
you did it for [number two]!” I’m so steamed I cannot see straight. Are
we even on the same planet?

Three, and Counting?

 
Dear And Counting:

You are not only on the same planet but also in the same house. I am
sure he is frightened with the changes and dependency imposed by his
disability. But that doesn’t, and shouldn’t, make you his psychological
punching bag.

 
My biggest advice is to immediately identify and interview marriage
counselors. The communication issues are big enough that a facilitator
would be useful. But the underlying structural shift in the relationship
imposed by his inability to get around is a big factor. As for driving
him, explain you have your own set of commitments and goals, and
that you also need 24 hours notice. Tell him you will meet with him
once a week, say Sunday supper, to identify specific commitments like
medical appointments and teaching times that you will drive him to,
and also schedule household errands around. But other than those
specific times, your time is your own to devote to creativity and
income-generation.

 
The money question is bigger than I can tackle with little into. But
most households do best with a yours/mine/ours approach, that’s
based on paying necessities first and then seeing what’s left for the
discretionary categories. Don’t start counseling with subjects like sex
or money. Learn to talk first.

Too Much Hubby

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband is driving me nuts. I’m a teacher who just finished term
and is facing a shortened summer. He’s about to retire. I am happy
enough puttering in the garden for part of the day to get some alone
time, but he is ALWAYS HOME!! His idea of doing something on his
own is to go for a bike ride. But a 65-year old guy with a bad back can
only be gone for so long. How can I get him interested in involved in
volunteering, taking classes, or doing anything that gets him out from
underfoot. It will matter in summer, but even more so during the
school year, because I have a four-day teaching schedule and many
Fridays off. I’m afraid I will kill him if he is home on a Friday.

Too Much Hubby

 
Dear Too Much Hubby:

Getting alone time in a marriage or any live-in relationship is hard.
Many of us have activities we go out of the house to do with others,
but that’s not the same as sitting in a chair or chaise with a good
book, unplugging the phones, and knowing the only thing that might
interrupt us is a pet looking for a treat. Your husband is probably a
little afraid of all the times on his hands as well, and you are probably
somewhat of a security blanket.

 
The bad back suggests that taking yoga or joining a gym is a great
place to start. As for volunteering, sit down with a list of all the non-
profits in your area and talk about which ones interest him. Perhaps he
has always had a secret yen to learn something; find him a class.
Suggest that he tackle the list of honey-do projects that every
household has. He will still be at home, but then your together time
can be more playful. You are going to have to be more patient than
you feel this summer, but by autumn you should have established a
routine that gets you quiet Fridays and evenings.

Delight-full

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in a wonderful new….that’s the problem, what to call it. To one
another we say boyfriend/girlfriend or lover. But neither of us is
looking for a new love of my life, weak in the knees, get married and
live together forever happily ever after person. We are happy for the
companionship and delirious with the smooching. Both of us had been
single for a long time, and ironically we are better in the bedroom than
we are, say, chatting over dinner. We are both Jewish, both in our
sixties, and both intelligent, educated, charming, witty people with
similar political values. Neither wants to give up our home or
independence. So what do I say when various people come up to me
all wide-eyed and gushing, saying “I’m so happy you’re in love.”
Apparently “I’m not, but I’m having lots of great sex.” Is considered
over-sharing.

Delight-full

 
Dear Delight-full:

Mazel tov! Everyone deserves to have her fancies tickled and to be as
happy, and as simultaneously grounded and mature, as you sound.
The truth is that it’s nobody’s business but yours what the depth of
your emotional connection is. People make inaccurate assumptions all
the time, of far more damaging types, about other people’s lives and
happiness. At least if they are gossiping about you now, they are
saying good wrong things, not bad ones.

 
People enjoy their own sensuality but often recoil at hearing about
others’. Among some generations, the idea of seniors being sexually
active is incomprehensible. And in others it might evoke shame or
envy. So rather than your explicitly cheeky comeback, how about
putting on a Mona Lisa smile and saying, perhaps in a faux sultry
voice, It’s not love, but it’s making me very happy! I’ll let you know if
it gets more serious, but until then just look for my happy face! If it
stays good you can see if it gets deeper or more serious, and decide
what you want to tell people when you are ready for them to know
more. If it falls apart or settles down, at least you’ll have had a healthy
lot of fun. But no one except you and your honey should have a vote
in that.

Trimming

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in a wonderful new relationship. It has been three months and I
don’t think I could be happier. He is sweet, funny, charming,
intelligent, and kind. We share similar values, hobbies, and politics. So
far my friends all like him, though his are far away (he just moved
here). The problem is that I have very strict orders from my doctor to
lose twenty pounds before an impending knee surgery this winter. I
am working with a dietician and changing how I eat. My new beau is a
foodie and we go to great restaurants. I am pretty good about what I
order for a main course, but he is always suggesting that we have
drinks, bread, appetizers, and desserts, and acts hurt when I demur or
don’t show the same enthusiasm about them. He is a big guy and
could lose some weight himself, but that’s between him and his
body/doc. I just need to stay on my program. How can I explain this
without ruining what could be a great thing?

Trimming

 
Dear Trimming:

Virtually every new relationship looks great in the first three months,
even six if you are lucky. Then the true issues begin to emerge. That’s
not to say they are fatal, just that they need to be addressed, and the
more difficult issue of how you communicate when things are less rosy
can quickly become the focus of how you relate, not just the kissing
and hugging and being happy.
You can start by reminding him when he wants you to order more than
you want to eat that you are trying very hard to follow your doctor’s
orders. You can try to allocate your calories/carbs/etc to allow a little
extra splurge for the times when you two are out, but he should be
willing to hear a No thanks when you order the same way you have
the right to respond Not tonight, dear. You get to decide what to do
with your body, and you should not be pressured (actively or
passively) into doing something else. There are legitimate health
reasons for your decisions, and if he is a keeper for the long run, he
will respect and support them. If not, you will have had a delightful
interlude, and have new criteria to add to your list when you start your
next relationship. I hope he is a mensch, and can be supportive and
encouraging, or at least not subversive to your efforts to get healthy.
Because if he’s not helping now, he probably won’t be a reliable person
post-surgery. Speak simply and clearly, and be consistent in your
behavior. Then hope he steps up. If not, think about new boundaries
for the relationship.

Takes It Slower

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I met a guy online who has asked me to go away for the weekend, all
expenses paid. We have had only three dates. I think he’s attractive
but he has been married three times before. I am not sure I want to
be intimate with him, and worry that he assumes that my acceptance
implies that I will be. How can I answer so he doesn’t think I can be
bought and paid for?

Takes It Slower

 
Dear Takes It Slower:

You can be forthright and honest. Tell him very clearly that you aren’t
ready for intimacy until you know him a lot better. Say you might be
interested in the weekend and the time together, and are happy to
accept his generous offer, but not if there are physical strings
attached. If there are, you would prefer to (a) not go, (b) defer the
trip, (c) pay your own way, (d) not continue to date.
Start by asking, Are you assuming we will be intimate? Depending on
his answer you’ll know what to say next.

Ready

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’d given up on dating. I’ve been single for three years and had done
various internet dating sites, on and off, for much of the last two. I
knew enough to recover from my last serious relationship (six years,
but never married) before I did. Maybe I’m just an odd mix of serious
and whimsical. But the people I was meeting were either boring,
negative, overly ambitious, and cynical, or didn’t have enough money
to buy a latte, let alone a house. Physicality isn’t my primary criteria,
but I certainly want to be with someone who thinks I’m attractive and
with whom there’s a spark. I just met the most interesting guy. He’s
funny, smart, professional, owns a house, and seems to have a really
good heart. Most importantly, I feel very much and easily me when we
are together. It’s only been a month, and, while I am not “in love” I
am very strongly “in like.” Here’s the rub: my friends who don’t want
to “see me get your hopes up and get hurt” are telling me to slow
down, date other people too, and put on the brakes instead of smiling
about what a great kisser he is. You get a vote too.

Ready

 
Dear Ready:

Sparks and mutual attractions are hard to come by, especially in
combination with really good hearts. Whenever you find such a combo,
unless of course one or both of you are already in a committed
relationship, you should explore it. Kissing is a lovely way to do so. So
is creating a range of shared experiences, from seeing movies and
shows to long dinners sharing your lives and values. What it takes to
build a solid foundation for a good relationship is more than kissing,
but it’s hard to sustain one unless you have that draw towards
intimacy lasting a long time.

 
Ask your friends to be happy for you. Tell them what’s on your “list” of
important criteria not only in a potential mate, but also in your own
behavior and lifestyle. Ask them not to operate from fear, but to help
keep you aware of any area you might start compromising. Enjoy the
sheer pleasure of something new, but don’t lose yourself along the
way. See if like becomes love.

Second Fiddle

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband is a welder. In good times he is very fully employed. In
bad ones it can be a week at a time, and during the Great Recession
his company laid off and re-hired him more often than I can count.
Now things are improving and he is back in the workforce, but they
have (for the second time) posted him two hours away. He lives on
site with a bunch of the other guys during the week and comes home
weekends. After thirty years of marriage we both sort of enjoy the
time apart and then reconnecting. But I think he misses our dog Molly
more than he misses me. He jokes about the other guys talking more
about their dogs than their wives but I think he’s telling me
something. Should I feel hurt?

Second Fiddle

 
Dear Second Fiddle:

No you should not. Any marriage that has lasted thirty years with ups
and downs financially isn’t gong anywhere. But since your husband is,
there’s a chance for him to do some good while he is away. He and the
guys he works with should go visit the local animal shelter. They may
be able op arrange some kind of foster program for dogs that are in
the shelter. It would be a chance for some poor pooch or two to get
out of a kennel and into a home for a while. The guys could re socialize
the animal and rejoice in the loving affection of a dog rescued from
confinement or worse.

In the best-case scenario, someone falls in love and adopts the
foundling. In the worst, the dog returns to the shelter better for the
love, attention, walks and general camaraderie. I’m betting on
scenario number one.

Lucky Lady

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband loves fixing things. Whether its putting a grab bar in the
shower or cleaning the gutters he is always puttering around fixing
things. He is also a little cheap, so hates it when I suggest hiring
anyone to do anything for the house, even mowing the lawn. The
garden is my domain and I get to decide if I need help. But if it
requires any tool beyond clippers and a hose, he gets to weigh in. H
just had a very minor heart attack. I know this is a great wake up call
for us both about what we eat and how we exercise. But it also made
me realize how completely dependant I have become upon him for
even the smallest thing. If the lights went out, I don’t think I’ve even
had to find the fuse box in this house. How can I get him to educate
me without making him feel any weaker and less of man than he is
feeling now?

Lucky Lady

 
Dear Lucky Lady:

Rather than making him feel useless, I hope my idea empowers him.
He’s going to have to spend some of his time recuperating by sitting
more and doing less. What could be more useful than having him
convert some of the knowledge in his head into a House Handbook for
you? You can frame it as a gift, as a knowledge transfer, or as a to do
list for him when he is more active. But have him go room by room
through the house, either mentally and writing it in a file on the
computer, or by walking around talking to you while you take notes
(that he can later review and edit). In each room, and outside, have
him identify regular chores: e.g., clean sink trap, change filter, replace
ant traps, order supplies, check levels, etc. Tell him that for anything
he identifies that needs to be done to also specify how often and any
tips and tricks that make the task more likely to be successful. Those
can be anything from time of day to time of year. Imagine you were
writing the same regarding, say, care of a rose bush. Get him to share
his knowledge with that level of specificity.

 
Take what he does and convert it into a three ring binder, with each
room on its own page. Then take the same info and cross reference it
with a calendar, so that next January 1 you would be able to fully
complete an annual care cycle for your domain. Set some times to
review this with your husband regularly. Do this in each room at least
once, not just sitting in the kitchen nodding as he speaks. At least
once a year, update the binder. Keep a list of folks to call (e.g.
plumber, electrician) and numbers you might need in a crisis (e.g city
public works, your insurance agent). Also add in copies of warrantees,
service contracts, and dates that you purchased everything from your
frig to your hot water heater. Think like a Boy Scout and Be Prepared.

In the Middle

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m trying to figure out how to deal with the very flirtatious husband of
a casual friend. When we first met I liked both of them. Over time I got to
know her as an occasional happy hour buddy and once helped her with
a resume rewrite and job search. I think their marriage is tumultuous
but they both seem to enjoy the drama and big mood swings. (Ugh
not me.) I see him because we exercise at the same spin class. He’s
always been flirtatious in a very funny verbal way. Complimenting me
and making sexy jokes but totally hands off. I have never felt there is
more in it than the kind of playful teasing the way it would be as if we
used to date and broke up amicably. She’s never seemed to mind, and
he has acted no differently in her company than when I see him in
class. Now I’m worried, because there are serious pressures and
issues in their lives and their relationship. He’s trying to look towards
me as an alternative source of comfort. I suspect he only wants to
talk, but there is a different feeling about it. I’ve been pretty clear it
won’t be sexual and also that I don’t want to have to choose between
them as friends. What should I do?

In the Middle

 
Dear Middle:

You need to be very clear with him. Clear. Clear. Clear. As in: I’ve
been fine with your playful banter, but it feels like you need someone
to talk to in a serious way. That’s not me. I like both you and your wife
as friends, but I am utterly unequipped to be a marriage counselor for
either you or the two of you. Do yourself and your relationship a favor
and find a professional in this time of need. If you don’t your life could
spiral down in a bad way. Then shut up.

 
With any luck he’ll understand what you are saying. If not, then
change your schedule and minimize your contact. Get the happy hour
girls together after telling the others what you have done. Then talk
about your great new exercise class and hope his wife talks about their
great new marriage counselor.

Gates Up

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been single ten years. I had a relationship that most people knew
about, though we mutually decided we were better as friends than
romantic partners. I also had an affair that almost no one knew about,
for complicated reasons, but my privacy was paramount among them.
It’s now over. I’ve mourned and I’m ready to look seriously for
someone new. I have a friend whom I see socially for theatre. We go
to the local indie theatre group after a good meal. She often spends
most of dinner interrogating me about my social life. I think she got wind
of my second relationship, that I had never discussed with her, though
I’m not sure how. Her questions are pointed and almost invasively
intimate. I like her other than this, but want to compromise neither
my privacy nor integrity. How shall I answer?

Gates Up

 
Dear Gates Up:

You should answer sincerely and clearly: You know, [hername], I’ve
decided that in the spirit of l’shon hara, I’m going to stop gossiping
about myself. I’ve been single long enough to realize how hard it is to
find someone I’d want to be in relationship with. I don’t want to put a
jinx on the possibilities before they have a chance to manifest. I
promise that if I get serious with anyone, I’ll be sure to tell you. I’ll
even ask if there’s a friend in the wings who might be interested in
you. But until I volunteer something on that topic, let’s talk about
other things, like work, kids, culture, and world peace.
You can expect that she’ll get a little huffy and try to test your
boundaries. But smile, deflect, and stick to your guns. If you do get
into a relationship, there’ll be plenty of time for exultation and sharing,
as much or little as you please.

Trying Love Again

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I had a fight with my best friend. It was over something stupid,
ironically, me defending my ex, about whom I had very little good to
say after the first two years of our marriage, mostly to my friend. I
just started dating someone new, and my friend started with
comparisons, in part to make the point that I was about to repeat
some of the most painful and expensive parts of my past relationship.
To her credit, she’s trying to save me from falling to the same abyss of
supporting someone with a strong sense of entitlement and a
minimalist sense of responsibility. But I don’t want to be treated like
a child or have my newfound happiness invalidated.

Trying Love Again

 
Dear Trying:

Any friend who has suffered the litanies of complaints that most of
us impose on our intimate circle before a break-up has earned some
chits. Often we are too close to a situation—especially in a new
romantic entanglement—to hear what we are saying. Our friends, who
serve as memory repositories for all the mistakes of our lives we hope
not to repeat, are the perfect people to hold up a mirror for us and
say, Remember what you said you’d never do again?

 
That said, you’re entitled to enjoy happiness before reality sets in. If
you are truly acting like an adult, you will be communicating to your
new love the dealmakers and deal breakers of your romantic life.
Kissing and cuddling is fine. But if you don’t respect the person you
wake up with, either because you need to financially support them
from day one or because they are disrespectful of whom you are as a
person, you are better off cutting your losses sooner than later. Call
your friend to say, I’m ready to talk. Then take some time together to
really listen, followed by some journaling about what mistakes you set
an intention not to repeat. If you find your new relationship getting to
close to those lines, start some straight talk with the new love, and
make clear what will end the relationship. I hope you are more right
than your friend.