Double Booked

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

A friend whom I know only briefly but like very much invited me to her
wedding. It’s about two hours away, on a Sunday afternoon, on Erev
Rosh Hashonah. LOL no she’s not Jewish. I would like to go but I
usually attend all the High Holiday services. I’m not as religious as I
once was, but this is a great annual tune-up for me, and the timing is
right for some personal transitions. What should I do?

Double Booked

 
Dear Double Booked:

Go to the wedding and celebrate your new friend’s joy. Good friends
are hard to find. You already have a solid relationship with your
community or worship and with Judaism. If you can make it back in
time for services, then by all means attend, even if it means coming
late and sitting in the back. Be sure to go to as many of the other RH
services you can. And do the deep work of this time in your heart and
with great sincerity. All these actions will get your year off to a great
beginning.

Need To Change

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I struggled to support myself without egregious pain or worry. I’m 33
and feel I’ve finally found my life’s work: doing bodywork/massage. I
feel ready and excited but have two jobs now: one is temporary part
time, the other will become full-time permanent in October,
November, or December, but they can’t tell me when!!! I also do
printing work, which I love, but can’t rely on it to pay the bills. Fulltime
bodywork school couldn’t fit with it all right now, though there is a
part-time (Wednesdays and Saturdays) program that starts every
quarter. I think (at least through December) I can go down to two
days at both jobs, take Weds off for school, and do the printing in the
wee hours if there’s a deadline. When the temp-going-to-full-time job
happens, I’ll negotiate for four days, at least for a while. But I really
don’t like it there. Is it okay to walk away from a job that makes me
want to die? I want to love my work instead of sitting alone putting
computer files into folders all day. I’m so sick of making questionable
decisions in fear or scarcity mode. Help…..

Need To Change

 
Dear Need To Change:

What sounds like a great plan on the surface can conceal a multitude
of disasters in the shallow waters. I love the idea that you’ve found a
new career and a place to train for it that allows you to work while you
do so. Going into debt for a profession that might take a while to build
up a clientele to employ you is a bad start. So yes to staying employed
as long as possible while you are in school. You don’t say how many
terms the training is, or what you’ll do if the part full-time job won’t
negotiate. Given their equivocation about timing you should be okay n
the short-run, but employers have the upper hand in most unskilled
labor markets, so you might find that they value their own priorities
much more highly than yours.

 
Start out with a financial assessment for the duration of your training
program and six months afterwards, which should give you time to
find a job. What do you need to bring in each month to pay your fixed
expenses? Can you trim that down at all? Can you get or become a
roommate to save on living expenses? Go through everything on your
list from transportation to haircuts. Don’t forget insurance and other
items you probably don’t want to afford but need. Can you see a path
to making this work? If not, what kind of student loan could
supplement one of the part-time jobs? What happens in an
emergency? Do you have savings? Debts? Talk to yourself the way a
stern parent would. Not to talk yourself out of the change, but to
figure out what it will take to make your new life work. If, in the worst
case, you simply cannot afford to do it now, decide to work for a
specific period with the goal of saving enough to start in six to twelve
months. I know you won’t enjoy the delay, but it will make you even
more committed. In the meantime, get copies of all the textbooks, or
even just a used Gray’s Anatomy and learn every muscle and its
insertion points. Be your own study group while you are doing the
boring work. That will equip you to be a blazing success whenever you
do start classes. You’ll impress the instructors with your readiness, and
they’ll go to bat for you when you graduate. Change is hard and
rewarding. Good luck!!

Less of Me

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

A group of four friends decided to go on a 28-day diet together. I’m
probably the one who is the closest friend to each, but they’ve all
heard a zillion stories of each other’s lives, and met at parties here for
decades. We all need to lose weight. Some 30 lbs and others much
more. One of us found what seems like a very effective program that
actually is healthy and – IF YOU FOLLOW THE RULES – and we all
agreed to start on a date about 10 days out. That was enough time for
me to detox off coffee (Yikes I know!!!), read the book, do some meal
planning, and even develop a spreadsheet with lots of cues about what
to do when and how that I shared.

 

The others waited until Sunday
night to look at it, decided I’m not ready, and only one started on time
with me. We’d set up a group email to share our experiences. But the
gal who’s on program with me and I are feeling great and positive, and
the other two are posting snippy remarks and saying how hard it must
be and how scared they are, and how sorry they are that we‘re
suffering. In fact we are not!!! Not hungry and not tired and beginning
to feel the burn. They’re annoying me and I want to tell them to diet
or shut up. Can you say that more nicely?

Less of Me

 

Dear Less:

Set up different email connection with you and your friend who’s on
track with you. Tell the others they can join when they are a week into
the diet, but in the interim they are please, please, please not to post
any more discouraging or apprehensive remarks to the two of you that
are on program. Tell them they are not only annoying but also
distracting and untrue. That, like most diet, if you follow the rules, the
plan will work. But if you cheat or look to negotiate with what you’re
clearly not committed to, it’s likely to fail and discourage you even
more.

 
Say all that in a semi-friendly email to the whole group. Add into it tips
that you’ve learned in the prep time or first week, thinks like: Do a
week of meal planning and make sure you have all the ingredients in
the house. Drink all the water they say to. Use tea as a snack.
Veggies, veggies, and more veggies. Tell yourself every morning why
you are doing this. Take it one meal at a time. If they cannot respect
your decision, tell them you’ll check in on the other side. You are to be
applauded, not demoralized.

Momma

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve read your column for a long time and I don’t recall anyone asking
you this before, but here goes: Can you write a singles ad for my son?
I know you don’t know him but here’s the bottom line. From the
outside he looks like an overweight (60-100 lbs), very shy guy, who
has a co-parented toddler with his ex (they finally broke up). He
watches too much TV in his room. The upsides: He does have a steady
postman job, and is incredible sweet and very funny, in a dry kind of
way. But first impressions aren’t what’s going to get him a gal. Do you
have words that might bridge the gap?

Momma
Dear Momma:

Because singles ads are a doorway to dates and first impressions,
you’re walking down a less likely path. I’d counsel that he get out of
the house more, when he’s not working. Even joining a
divorced/singles parenting group would be a great start, so he would
be among people who understand what he’s doing through with his
child, and he would be in a setting where people are there to listen to
one another, not reject them based on a single date. Ditto for taking a
class in something he cares about, even if it’s about popular culture, at
the local community college or parks department. People tend to perk
up when they are engaged with things they care about. They look
happier and are more appealing.
If you are determined to go the ad route, try something like this:
Sweet single dad looking for a woman who doesn’t judge a book by its
cover. I’m intelligent, funny, and have a great job and a great toddler.
I love TV and movies like X, Y, and Z. I’m also hefty and a little shy,
but loving, loyal, and very appreciative of the right person in my life.
Use a photo in which he is cracking a smile.

On the Spot

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Help me please with a reciprocal gift-giving question. In high school
our son was a shy nerd. He did not date at all, even though his best
friend/almost brother tried to fix him up on numerous occasions. He
went off to college and after a while got a girlfriend, and now, three
years in, they are both graduating with engineering degrees. She’s a
nice enough girl but she is his first, and I think he could do better with
more experience. Needless to say he is reluctant to risk having no one.
Her parents, who exploit him mercilessly with chores for their home
and business whenever he visits there on holidays and vacations, gave
David $200 as a gift. Our family tends to not give gifts at all, and
never gifts of cash or gift cards. We give flowers and food from our
garden, and personal notes. I feel like they owe him much more in
back wages and do not want to be shamed into giving her a gift just to
show we can keep up. She, btw, will make $30K more in her first job
out of school than I will after five teaching English as a second
language. It’s more than the money but it matters too. What should I
do?

On the Spot

 
Dear On the Spot:

I know people who only give cash or gift cards and others who never
do. It’s a matter of convenience, but there’s also the nasty issue of
dollars as some measure of affection. I come from the give-
something-meaningful school. In this case, I think money would not be
the right message, but I think zero gift given is almost an insult, so
unless you actively want to help end this relationship, you need to gift
something more than a polite card. Next time she visits you, have a
bouquet for her, and a swag bag of homemade items. You could
include a lovely wooden spoon/ladle/spatula set, something she can
use in her own kitchen. You can send her a note saying that her gifts
await upon her next visit, but that you are very proud of her
accomplishments.

 

Sit down with your son and talk to him about your dilemma and
decision. Explain you don’t want to be part of a battle of keep-up- with
the-not- yet-in- laws, and use the talk as a chance to probe what his
intentions are. The next big step for both of them will be job hunting.
Living in different cities may solve the problem. If they do move in
together things will escalate to better or worse. You’ll need to make
your peace with his choice, even if it isn’t yours.

Squeezed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I supervise a young woman whose life has been turned upside down in
the past six months. Her supposedly loving husband cheated on her,
and walked away from their two children. Her life has been hell but
she has also changed from a smart, reliable, assistant into a flaky, late
for every deadline, staff member whom I’m afraid to rely on. The
company is a very fast-paced environment, and employees are
measured by their billable productivity as well as their ability to do
marketing. She’s loused up several bids and also declined
opportunities to work for other supervisors when they’ve needed help
in a jam. They’ve come to me saying it’s my responsibility to get her
on track, and that if I cannot, her job may be in jeopardy. Now I have
to change from a listening ear and comforting shoulder into a hard-
nosed boss. Is there a graceful way to do it?

Squeezed

 
Dear Squeezed:

It’s always hard to shift gears when you’ve been a source of comfort
and support. The hard part is knowing when your role has changed
from friend to enabler. She’s lucky to have someone she trusts in
apposition of authority. You can only hope that gives your word added
measure rather than weakening them.

 
First thing, get past the immediate deadlines. If you cannot rely on
her, pull some all nighters, or call in other staff. Then sit her down, in
your office, door closed, and tell her, This is not a friend, peer, comfort
talk. This is your boss telling you things you won’t want to hear, but
better from me than from my bosses. The bottom line is that your
work has become unreliable. We’re all sympathetic with your life
struggles. None of us would want to go through them. But the firm
cannot depend on a weak employee. So here’s my recommendation:

 

Take a temporary leave of absence to get your life back together. And
enroll in an EAP (employee assistance program) that’s mandatory as a
precursor to developing an action plan for employees whose work
needs remediation. Everyone here wants you to succeed. But we need
to turn this around fast or you’re on the road to looking for a different
job. I know that’s hard to hear. It’s hard to say. But I value you and
want to see you make it. I’ll do what I can to keep you off deadlines.
But that’s hard and can’t last forever. Please help me help you. Then
you’ll see if she’s strong enough to pull it together. If not, she may
have to use her time between jobs to reorganize her life. Sad but
maybe necessary.

Angry

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For the past two years I have played pickle ball in a local club. It’s
primarily retirees who play at 9:00 am, and, as might be expected,
there’s a big variety of people in terms of social class, former
profession, political opinions, and actual skill with the game. The only
thing that seems to unite many of these people is a self-righteous
attitude against people they perceive as different, which, given their
own differences from one another, means they mostly make slurs
against gays. The recent tragic events in Orlando should be enough to
wake up even the most insensitive person that targeting of any group
is dangerous as well as anti-American. I’m a lesbian, but since that’s
had nothing to do with my relationship at the club, I haven’t outed
myself. Now I feel I have to say something. Do you have a good short
way of getting these people to keep their big mouths shut, at least
around me?

Angry

 
Dear Angry:

Outing oneself is never easy, but the costs of keeping silent are
sometimes worse. You have two choices, and I suggest using both of
them. Almost every club has a manager. Go to that person and say
you are disgusted by the homophobic and sexist comments you have
to hear while playing. Say those kinds of remarks would never be
tolerated against other groups, and should not be allowed in the club
context. Ask the manager to send an email to all members saying;
Profane comments about any group will not be permitted. If observed
they will be cause for dismissal, first as a warning for the day, and if
repeated, from the club. If the manager will not do that, or something
close, find another place to play.

 
Assuming you get some cooperation, be very clear when you talk to
members that you support the new policy, and that you have been
offended in the past. If you get pushback, ask why the person feels it’s
okay to besmirch gays and how they’d feel if their identity group was
discussed the same way. Recruit some allies to help spread the word.
Wear an I am Orlando rainbow pin for a while. The outing will happen
all on its own after that.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For the past two years I have played pickle ball in a local club. It’s
primarily retirees who play at 9:00 am, and, as might be expected,
there’s a big variety of people in terms of social class, former
profession, political opinions, and actual skill with the game. The only
thing that seems to unite many of these people is a self-righteous
attitude against people they perceive as different, which, given their
own differences from one another, means they mostly make slurs
against gays. The recent tragic events in Orlando should be enough to
wake up even the most insensitive person that targeting of any group
is dangerous as well as anti-American. I’m a lesbian, but since that’s
had nothing to do with my relationship at the club, I haven’t outed
myself. Now I feel I have to say something. Do you have a good short
way of getting these people to keep their big mouths shut, at least
around me?

Angry
Dear Angry:
Outing oneself is never easy, but the costs of keeping silent are
sometimes worse. You have two choices, and I suggest using both of
them. Almost every club has a manager. Go to that person and say
you are disgusted by the homophobic and sexist comments you have
to hear while playing. Say those kinds of remarks would never be
tolerated against other groups, and should not be allowed in the club
context. Ask the manager to send an email to all members saying;
Profane comments about any group will not be permitted. If observed
they will be cause for dismissal, first as a warning for the day, and if
repeated, from the club. If the manager will not do that, or something
close, find another place to play.
Assuming you get some cooperation, be very clear when you talk to
members that you support the new policy, and that you have been
offended in the past. If you get pushback, ask why the person feels it&'s
okay to besmirch gays and how they’d feel if their identity group was

discussed the same way. Recruit some allies to help spread the word.
Wear an I am Orlando rainbow pin for a while. The outing will happen
all on its own after that.

Neighborly

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For years I have helped out a neighbor who works with errands, from
bringing and returning library books to fetching things at various
stores we frequent. I’m retired and she is not, so if I am going
somewhere I often ask if she needs anything. He husband has recently
retired, but he’s not nearly as clued into her tastes as I am, so she has
continued to ask me. Frankly it seems like the frequency has
escalated. I’ve tried to volunteer less but she is asking more. Should I
say something to her about having her husband become her schlep, or
just keep on when it is convenient for me. For the record, just last
week it realized I’d gone on an hour’s worth of errands for her that I
had no need to have done for myself. There’s gas and time and just
plain aggravation on the line.

Neighborly

 
Dear Neighborly:
Assuming this is a friendship you value, be honest. Say that when it is
convenient, you are happy to keep doing her errands. Also say that
since her husband has more time on his hands now that he’s retired,
you’d prefer if she thought of him as her primary schlep and you as his
backup. Be clear that if you offer to help, by calling or texting an
upcoming trip to the library or farmer’s market, she’s welcome to add
to your list. But in the absence of an explicit statement that you are
available, she should assume you have enough to keep you busy.
As for training the husband, suggest that she make a list or even a set
of photos of brand names she prefers for various items, stores that
she goes to for X or Y, and that she make appointments with the
husband for him to be on call for her. Most wives with newly retired
spouses are happy to get them out of the house on a regular basis, so
you’re probably helping them with the transition as well as yourself.

Absentee

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m part of large extended social network. It encompasses people from
all walk of life, religions, and ages. One of the leading members was a
former investment advisor, among the pioneers of socially responsible
investing. She moved from our community bout ten years ago when
she retired and then got sick from a debilitating chronic respiratory
disease, which eventually killed her a week ago. I was never that close
with her, did not invest money with her, and cannot recall even one
occasion when we were social together. But many of my second tier
friends were her ex’s, friends, clients, etc and I know she was
extremely helpful to them, not so much with money but when they
were in chemo or other forms of need. I was invited to her memorial
service, where people planned to share memories and stories. I
realized I had nothing personal to say, and the only story I could recall
was second-hand and ironically not very complimentary. I chose not to
attend, because it felt like I was just doing it for social reasons. Now I
hear my absence is being judged by those who participated. Should I
let it slide on by or say something?

Absentee

 
Dear Absentee:

There’s a great story about the rabbi who takes the town gossip to a
rooftop on a windy day and has her shake a pillow above the town,
then instructing her to gather all the feathers back again, and when
she says, dumbfounded, that it is not possible, instructs her that the
situation is equivalent when she spreads malicious gossip about
others. What was easy to create is not possible to undo. That’s why
there are so many proscriptions against lashon hara, evil speech, as
in, gossip. So, no matter how you respond, be sure not to condemn
others (the living or the deceased) if or while you defend yourself.
The easiest thing is to tell those close to you that you hadn’t been
close to the dead woman so chose to have the event be for those who
were. Say that you liked her from afar, knew many people loved her,
and that she was a pillar of the community. Say that you’re available
for them to talk to about her if they wish. Trust them to repeat that if
they hear anything negative about you. Bury the story with her.

Gone On Too Long

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a friend who’s married to a man 20 years her senior. He’s now
in his mid-80s. I think it was a love match 30 years ago, but now she
is a cook, caretaker, maid, and general servant for a guy who doesn’t
seem to appreciate how good he’s got it. He belittles her in front of her
friends, whom she cajoles to visit so she’s not alone with him, though
none of us can see why she puts up with him. I think she’s too loyal to
divorce him and secretly hopes his time is short. I’ve visited once a
month for years, but now she’s asking me to come weekly. I’m just
not comfortable around him or them. She won’t leave him alone for
more than two hours, and has taken to asking me every few days to
please come. Other friends say the same. What can I do or say?

Gone On Too Long

 
Dear Gone Too:

It sounds like she’s going to be hearing things she doesn’t want to
from several people, so you can decide if you want to be at the front
or back of the line of people telling her what she doesn’t acknowledge.
You shouldn’t tell her the brutal truth the way you experience it. But
you can say that you prefer her company one on one, and that (if she
presses) you have become less comfortable being around her husband
as he has aged, required more of her, and seemed to appreciate it
less. Say you’re happy to spend time with her, say once or twice a
month if your schedules align, but you are not available to help keep
him company very often. Create a list of activities you two can do
together, whether that’s signing up for an art or exercise class or just
going out for ladies lunch. Be willing to make it a fixed commitment
and suggest other friends do as well. Eventually she will make a life
without him, so this is like training wheels.

It’s always tempting to presume the worst about other people’s
relationships. But let me encourage you neither to gossip nor malign.
You can ask her if there’s things at home she wants to talk about. But
don’t tell her that your mutual friends feel the same way. It will only
shame her and diminish her fragile self-confidence. Keep the door
open and hope she walks away from him and towards you.

Happier Without

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I had a friend for over 30 years who over time turned into a complete
whiner. I understand that we all have issues, but slowly and
relentlessly the entire conversation between us turned into her
complaining about her material circumstances and expecting me to
quietly listen. I confess that’s hard for me to do without at least
offering suggestions about improving things, all of which she refused
to hear or follow up on, even when I found her jobs. She absolutely
refused to take responsibility for supporting herself more than month
to month, but had no compunction about telling others that when she
ran out of what little money she had she planned to move in with
them. One by one her long-time friends began to slide away. Then two
years ago she moved away to be near relatives, but she’s just
announced on Face Book that she’s moving back to the area. What if
any responsibility do I have to resume the friendship given that our
last interaction was her telling me not to give her advice?

Happier Without

 
Dear Happier Without:

You have the right to decide who your friends are. That goes for
maintaining old friends and choosing new ones. This ties to my two
rules of dating: I only want to be with someone who wants to be with
me; I don’t have to be with someone just because they want to be
with me. The situation you describe violates rule number two.
Friendship should be a two-way street. A voluntary act of mutual
support and compassion. Usually both friends aren’t in struggle at the
same time, so the need to complain and be heard, balances out over
time. If it slides much past 60-40/70- 30 in either direction for too
long, it should be noted and corrected. So this person may choose
you, but you need to ask yourself why you would choose as a friend
someone with a lot of expectations and no sense of personal
responsibility. Unless you want to be her rescuer, you have the right to
set boundaries, by saying your life has become fuller in the interim
and that you wish her well but choose to leave things as they are.
Spell it with me: b.o.u.n.d.a.r.i.e.s.

Wits End

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m at my wits end. My husband is, or more accurately was, a
contractor. In addition to working endless hours he did all sorts of
projects around our house. Like the cobbler’s unshod family, many of
those projects were only partially completed, and we always had last
place in line behind paying clients. Now, through an accident of fate,
we have a who-knows-when-but-big medical malpractice payment that
will pay for all manner of household assistance while he is
incapacitated (for up to a year because his joint replacement surgeon
royally ^&$^^%#ed up!!). Because some of these repairs must be
completed for us to be able to shower, I hired a contractor buddy.
Needless to say, Mr. Fix-It is not happy with the pace or quality of the
work, because this guy does what my hubby always did: juggling
many clients at once. But he cannot do the work himself. His body
won’t cooperate. He is angry, depressed, moody, and restless. It is
causing huge stress and undoing a lot of the work we did together in
counseling a year ago. I want to go back to the counselor to get help
to get us back on track. He doesn’t want to go because it would open
our records to the doctor’s insurance company. Is there a way to parse
this?
Wits End

 
Dear Wits End:

Call the counselor and explain the problem. I don’t think your previous
marital counseling should be any part of the medical malpractice
conversation. As the counselor if s/he can start a new file for you two,
one that relates only to issues connected to the surgery,
complications, and after-effects both on your husband’s health and
moods and your marital relationship, then that’s the way to go. If s/he
cannot, go to a new counselor, telling that person the techniques that
worked for you in the past. Warn them the records may be requested
for litigation.

 

One of the problems with a theoretical malpractice payout in the future
is that you are still paying all the costs upfront now, both emotional
and financial. Be sure to keep very accurate records of everything, not
merely of actual dollars spent to supplement the household duties your
husband is not able to perform. A log tracking everything from
household help to emotional issues would probably help your future
attorney. I’m assuming you’re not going to try resolving this without
one, but please consult one before you negotiate any kind of
settlement. There’s an entire area of law devoted to calculating the
damages such events impose. Pain and suffering is more than rhetoric,
as you are learning.

Quitter/Not?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I offered to give a casual friend a discounted rate for editing her first
book. It was supposed to be a small project, but it mushroomed when
she realized what a good editor could do for her. We had been
FaceBook friends prior, and would bump into one another around town
maybe once or twice a year. She paid me midway through what
seemed fair for what I had done thus far, but now, several edits later
with countless mind-numbing hours of proofreading later, she keeps
thanking me for “being such a great friend” and for “helping out so
much!” She also tells me how “other friends are donating their time”
and how appreciative she is that they are “because this is all so much
more than I imagined.” I’d warned her at the outside that the project
would take about double what she thought it would in terms of tine
money, and energy. Do I have to pay for being right?

Quitter/Not?

 
Dear Quitter/Not:

Business dealings between friends are always better when the
agreements are explicit and up front. If this is what you do for a living,
you should have said very simply in the beginning, I know we are
acquainted but I don’t do this work without my standard contract, here
it is. I am willing to reduce my hourly rate, or discount the bill, but I
cannot afford to work for free. So if this is more than you can afford I
can recommend some other folks.

 
Given that option is past, here’s what you can and should do. Send her
an email exlaining that you hate to be an I-told-you-so, but that for
the work you’ve done since she last paid you she owes you $xyz.
Because this project is turning out to be more than she expected,
you’ll discount it by, say, a third. But you can’t continue to work
without being paid. Explain that you made a mistake by not using your
standard contract form the beginning, but you trusted her as an
honest person and you still do. Book publishing is an industry and the
latter stages of proofing are the most aggravating. Encourage her to
use your time selectively, and suggest that she enlist good friends to
help her with the next few rounds of reading and proofing. Nothing is
more valuable than a fresh set of eyes, and, from my experience, the
single biggest proof-reading rule is READ EVERY WORD OUT LOUD.

Feeling Hurt

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I used to be friends with a couple. To be clear I was much closer with
one and met the other after they started dating and married. They
have a regular monthly dinner party at which I used to be a regular
invitee (of twelve chairs). It’s like a salon, with attendees from various
professions, and lively intelligent conversation about books, movies,
the arts and news. As the circle expanded, people began to lose their
regular seats, but now I have slipped way down to their alternate list.
I am invited maybe three times a year, usually a week or so before,
which means someone else dropped out. Part of me wants to ask if I
did something to offend them, though I am pretty sure part of it is
jealousy on the part of the wife, who has always been slightly cool to
me. She thinks I dated her partner, but we have always only been
friends. The last time I was invited was four months ago, very very
last minute. I went and had a good time. They seemed friendly but I
was certainly a fill-in. The other guests all said how nice it was to see
me “after so long.” I was at a loss about what to say. I hold a summer
party once a year. I can accommodate a large crowd. Should I invite
them and be friendly and hope they reciprocate? Should I poke at this
through a friend to see if I have somehow offended them? Or should I
not invite them (knowing people we friend in common will attend),
which I am pretty sure is the worst choice?

Feeling Hurt

 
Dear Feeling Hurt:

Social relationships are a minefield of potential hurt feelings,
misinterpreted etiquette, and ways to lose friends. That’s especially
true if the relationships aren’t close or aren’t founded in good
communication. This is a classic case of several factors causing
mismatched expectations on both sides. The punch line is that you are
likely more invested in this friendship than the couple is, and you’re
probably better off lowering your expectations or you will feel hurt
whenever you think about it.

 

Have your party and invite them. When you send their invite (which I’ll
assume is happening by email or phone) add a tagline saying you hope
they’ll extend the invite to the salon crowd, whom you enjoy having
met through them. Note: If you add “and I miss seeing,” you open
yourself to more hurt. See if they come, and treat them as you would
want them to treat you, as welcome guests.