Category Archives: Dieting

No More Fudge!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Every year my brother sends everyone in the family the same gift: a
box of bourbon-flavored fudge. It started when he moved to Kentucky.
The first year I thought it was a Southern food joke. But it’s become
annoying. I don’t like or eat the fudge. All my friends have had it re-
gifted to them. I’ve been forbidden to bring it to potlucks and gift
exchanges. It’s not that I need a different or better gift. But I hate
wasted money. If he really did want to send me some food there’s a
long list of things I would prefer, from fruit and cheese baskets to
something more esoteric. I’ve also taken up food preserving and
making everything from homebrew to kim chi, and would rather trade
specialty items than subsidize stores. Do I keep quiet or speak up?

No More Fudge!!

 
Dear No More:

Nothing beats honesty. People want their gifts appreciated, not
dreaded. Google to find out what he’s paying and then send him a
simple email. In it explain that you love him and love exchanging gifts.
But you’ve decided to be clear about what you do and don’t want to
share. Tell him that for the next few years you are proposing a
different gift exchange: everything from home-canned beer or
preserves to something re-gifted. Explain that you’d considered re-
gifting his last batch of fudge back to him, but that it seemed
unappreciative.

 
You can say that your family has changed its values around gifting,
given the life of plenty that you are living. Say you love him and want
to honor him so your gift to him is from your hands and heart, and
comes with only one condition: no more bourbon fudge. Say that if he
wants to gift you, you’re happy to have him donate to any of a list of
named charities, or send food from a similar list. But say you are
fudged out and ask him to respect that. The rest of the family can say
the same or eat fudge.

Not Even Hungry

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I tried to do everything right this year to prepare for the holiday eating
frenzy. And I don’t just mean Thanksgivvikah. Latke parties are past,
but I am facing endless trays of goodies and tidbits at office
celebrations, art shows, and in the homes of Christian friends and
football buddies. All December and early January eating. I have a
health coach who’s given me lots of useful tips but when I walk into a
room filled with yummy carbs, my hand has put sweets in my mouth
before my brain can muster up even a small No, let alone the NO NO
NO! I need to hear. Can you give me advice that’ll stick to my brain?

Not Even Hungry

 
Dear Not Even Hungry:

General wisdom says most people who do not make any attempt to
quell their participation in the holiday eating frenzy will put on five
pounds without even trying. Holding your own – as in just not gaining
weight – is a good goal. Losing weight this time of year seems
impossible. But yes, having some way to apply the brakes, even if
you’re slowing from fifth gear chomping down to second, will have the
effect you want.

 
The best tip I’ve heard in a while is this one, from a Weight Watcher’s
buddy. It’s based on the principle of absolutes, not a sliding scale of
“just one,” “just two,” and “what the hell?!?!,” a system I can assure
you will never work. Divide the world of things you might put into your
mouth into two categories. In the “Good Food” category put all
vegetables, protein, cheese, soups, sides, and things like hummus and
dips. Everything else (the things your hand reaches for automatically,
like bread, cookies, cakes, pies, tea breads, toffee, yeah the list goes
one) goes into a category you’re about to call Not Food. Say it with
me, Not Food. When you walk into a room, allow yourself to eat all the
Good Food you want. But when you look at the Not Food, assume it is
as indigestible as wrapping paper or car parts, and train yourself to
pass it by. Who know, you might get good at it.

Need It Tender

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have problems as a guest. I’m a widower who enjoys eating a home-
cooked meal with friends. I enjoy the companionship as well as the
cooking – if I can eat the cooking. I don&'t ever eat poultry. My friends
and family know that, and are generally willing to plan the menu
around me. When they invite me to dinner, especially for the holidays,
they usually make brisket. This is good, even fine, when they know
how to cook it. But many make it so tough that I cannot chew it, even
with my dentures. So there’s the problem of not being able to swallow,
and not wanting to spit it out. What can I say to my eager hostesses,
because I think they really do want to invite me?

Need It Tender

 
Dear Need It Tender:

The best time to communicate is when you get the invitation. Talk to
each hostess as you are called. Assume, btw, that they may speak
with one another. But that’s okay because you’re going to be giving
the same message to each of them. In those convos, your goal is to
communicate appreciation for their hospitality and for their continued
sensitivity to your food needs.

 
Explain that, as you are aging you have, in addition to food
sensitivities like chicken, increasing problems with chewing. You can
say that even your dentist despairs about getting you comfortable. Say
how much you enjoy dining with them and hope this new information
won’t make them less interested in sharing food and companionship
with you. Say you have experimented with brisket recipes and have
found one that always turns out tender as a baby’s bottom (not that
you’d eat a baby!). (Note: I can send you a friend’s mother’s recipe if
you want, that I have to admit is more fall-apart delicious even than
my own mother’s.) Offer to share the recipe with them, and then say
gently, Please when I come, just give me a tiny taste of the meat. If I
cannot chew it, I don’t want to embarrass either of us. At worst, you’ll
have all the fun parts of being social, and a lot of vegetarian meals
made of a collection of side dishes and dessert.

Serious This Time

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I did what you said but it is not working. I asked a friend of mine if she
wanted to be my exercise buddy. We are both mid-sixties, too
sedentary, and want to lose 20-25 pounds. Previously we took a class
together at the university so I know she is a hard worker when she
puts her mind to something. Also, she is one of the bluntest and most
honest people I know, so when she says she is going to commit to
something I take her at her word. It has been two weeks since we
agreed to meet Tuesday and Friday mornings at 10 for an hour for
hand weights, tai chi, stretching, and balance ball exercises. I have all
the equipment we need and the space. She has been late twice,
cancelled once, and seems much more interested in talking than
moving. In addition she brings over kugel, blintzes, etc, all of which
are delicious but are not on my diet. How can I tell her this is not what
I had in mind?

Serious This Time

 
Dear Serious This Time:

Nothing works as well as the truth when you’re talking to a friend. And
if she’s not a good enough friend for you to feel comfortable talking to
honestly, you should look for someone else to see twice a week.
Retired or not, time is too valuable to spend waiting for someone who
is not as committed as you are or who you don’t feel close enough to
to speak honestly.

 
The next time you get together, work out as hard as you want. Then
talk to her Ask how the agreement is working for her, whether she
feels on track with her goals, and whether she feels she is following
through on your agreement. Listen to her answer. Then tell her the
contradictions you have observed. Tell her you plan to start promptly
at 10:00 from now on when you have scheduled to meet, whether she
is on time or not, and that you are going to stop at 11:00. Say you are
in it for your health and are treating these tow hours like doctors’
appointments. Tell her you want to make this work, and hope she does
too. Only time will tell if she steps up.

Bigger Than Chubby

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I have no idea how many
times I have said, I’m never eating sugar again. I’m going to exercise
30 minutes each day. I am off carbs. No more burgers and fries. Etc
etc etc with everything my mother told me for years: Eat less and
move more! I’ve paid more to Weight Watchers than my synagogue.
And here I am, fat again. Fatter than most of the clothes in my closet.
Fatter than I should be with spring looming. Hellllpppppp….

Bigger Than Chubby

 
Dear Bigger Than Chubby:

Any time this side of the grave is not too late to get healthier and
lighter. Your question suggests you know what to do, but lack the
motivation to actually do it consistently. Assuming you don’t want to
invest in a new wardrobe one size larger, try this motivating tool, an
exercise is best done when no one else is home. Pull everything in
your wardrobe out of the closet. Turn all the lights in your room on
bright. They won’t be as bad as a department store dress-on room,
but you’ll get the same ugh! effect. Divide your closet into three parts:
fits now; would fit if I lost 10-15 pounds; and maybe it&'s time to
donate this. One by one, try on every piece of clothing you own, from
jeans to party wear. (Note: Allow yourself a glass of wine along the
way. It’ll help you laugh and complete the exercise.)

 
Once you see how far you’ve drifted from where you were and where
you want to be, set up a program for yourself to start ASAP, as in
today. Find 30 minutes each day to walk. Wake up earlier; walk at
lunchtime or before or after dinner. Consistency matters but most
important is doing something every day. Studies show that folks who
move from sedentary to active get a bigger impact for their time than
already athletes who add 30 minutes to their existing routines. Set
some food absolutes, like no fries ever, and sugar only once a week.
Eat more veggies and less fat. Fruit not chocolate. If Weight Watchers
is your program, read the rules like you’ve never seen them before,
including all the tips and community posts. Or go to meetings. Get on
the scale at least once a week. Avoiding and fearing your scale is one
of the surest tip-offs that your clothing exercise will slowly but
inexorably shift towards the Eeek doesn’t fit! side of the closet. Many
of us will be doing the same things as days get longer and clothing
tighter. See you on the walking paths.

Latkes are Calling

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I feel like a loser. Or maybe I should say a gainer. I was doing really
well on my diet program until I hurt my knee (trying to keep my dog
from running after a squirrel). First I couldn’t exercise. Then I started
to eat less well. Then I started to eat much less well. Did I mention I
wasn’t exercising at all during this period? Things were going badly, so
I went into freefall and started eating chips, popcorn, brownies, and
pretty much anything I wanted, which was mostly carbs, sugar, and
salt and almost never salads or veggies. On Thanksgiving I lay
groaning on the sofa after pigging out on stuffing and pie. I cannot
imagine being good for the next month. But my pants are already tight
and I know I don’t want to feel like I did on Thanksgiving during the
whole holiday season. But the:

Latkes are Calling

 
Dear Latkes are Calling:

You cannot afford to write off another month. Or even another week.
The truth is you shouldn’t write off even any more meals. Instead, you
need to put yourself on a pretty tight leash and try and get a firm grip
not just between now and January but well into the new year. But
that’s my mother talking. The latkes call me too, and it is nigh onto
impossible to make it from now until 2013 without having any treats.
The trick, and the imperative, is to pace yourself, to make rational
rather than impulsive choices, and to make them just that: choices.

 

You need to approach life one meal at a time. Do not write off a whole
day just because you blew it at breakfast. If you have waffles at 7:00,
then compensate with a salad at 12:00. Each meal is a new decision
and new chance to get things right. Do the math: three meals a day
for a month plus snacks is well over a hundred chances to eat well
instead of poorly. As we heard in the recent election, this is arithmetic.
Fewer calories in means fewer pounds gained and more pounds lost.
Try counting to ten before you put anything into your mouth and see if
you can tell a difference in your pants, your mood, and your habits.

Ready to Downsize

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Please help me with a problem that involves friends and food. I have
needed to lose weight for most of my life. I ballooned out in my
twenties in a very bad relationship and have been trying to slim down
for more than twenty years. I lose, I gain; I lose, I gain. You know the
yo-yo. But I have managed to keep off 50+ pounds and am finally
ready to tackle the last 25.

 

The problem is that my friends have heard me say this same thing about
ten thousand times and simply shut their ears and keep inviting me for
drinks, meals and desserts. This time, instead of picking a program where
I have too many choices I am doing one (endorsed by my medical doctor)
where I follow the meal plans. Real live food, with lots of protein and veggies,
that I prepare. But strictly on program. How can I get them to respect and
support what I am doing?

Ready to Downsize

 
Dear Ready to Downsize:

Don’t give any credence to their negativity and skepticism. Virtually
anyone who has been a yo-yo dieter knows that it almost always takes
more than one try to get to goal. Many medical folks believe that the
body needs to recalibrate in set points, and that when you gain more
than you lost and then settle in you set a new, lower, set point that
brings you down in steps. Admittedly trying to go the last third of the
way in one giant step is a big goal. So you’ll have to work as hard on
your maintenance lifestyle as you do on the losing.

 
As for your fiends, you’re going to have to prove it to them by your
demonstrations of self-control. Sparkling water with two limes, hold
the gin and tonic water. Salad not corn or potatoes. Decaf for dessert.
There’s lots of ways to eat out and still be able to be social during the
next many months it will take to lose your weight. I’m betting that as
your friends begin to see you slim down they will become more
supportive. And when you do go down your first size, treat yourself to
some spiffy new clothes to celebrate and validate your victory.

Ready (I’m praying)

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I know you must get this question twenty times a week, but I really
need help and really mean it – this time: I need to lose weight and
have a history of failing I’ve been overweight my whole life. Actually
family legend is that until I was six I was so skinny that my mother
started feed me milkshakes. This the same woman who said to me
when I got my PhD, “If you’re so smart, how come you’re fat?”!!! For
twenty years she has offered to pay for Weight Watchers if I will go to
meetings. I’ve actually decided to do WW, but online and without her
subsidy even telling her. We live two hours apart, but talk several
times a week. I will see her several times for the end of year holidays
and I want to able to walk in and have her go “Wow!” Okay I’d settle
for a “You look good.” Even a “You look better. It’s about time.” Do
you have any tips for me beyond what the system will provide?

Ready (I’m praying)

 
Dear Ready:

I’m not getting paid to say this, but Weight Watchers consistently
ranks as among the most effective weight loss programs. It’s not the
fastest but it does help you learn new habits that will help you keep off
the weight you lose. The good news about it is also the bad news: you
can eat virtually anything, as long as you keep track of how much of it
you eat and how much of your daily food budget it uses. That means
you are still vulnerable to bread, cheese, chips, and deserts. One
theory: avoid all the big bad calorie-rich foods. Another: eat only a
little. Most importantly: write down everything you eat, and be honest
about the quantity. One friend who has lost three sizes gave this big
tip: have five snacks available to you at all times: cut up veggies,
hummus, nuts, fruit, etc. No they’re not exciting but they will keep you
on program.

 
As for your mother, don’t say anything until just before you see her. If
she asks about your weight during a phone call, say you are paying
attention to it. Shortly before you are to get together, say you have
been very conscientiously focused on healthy eating. Be clear that you
are on track, not at goal (because you won’t be by then) and that you
want her support, not her criticism. If she is sarcastic or otherwise
negative, look her in the eye and say very simply and quietly, Please
help me; don’t hurt me. Then excuse yourself for a walk. She’ll think
you’re being overly sensitive and that she’s helping, so a little shaming
is okay if it quiets her. Good luck!

Two Years To Go

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m morbidly obese. I have lost seventy pounds but still have well over
one hundred still to go. I have been on what some people might
consider a strict diet (basics are mostly fruits and vegetables, no
wheat, dairy, or sugar, with lots more details) but for me it has
become a way of life. I could lighten up on the strictness but I am so
empowered and energized by how I feel and do not want to lose the
momentum. My husband, who should also lose at least a hundred
pounds, keeps asking me to eat out. I wouldn’t mind occasionally
going to a restaurant where I could get what I want to eat. But he
likes greasy Chinese, and once I’m there it’s impossible to find brown
rice, let alone organic vegetables. Each time I relent and go I regret it
immediately and suffer the next day. Each time he promises he’ll
never ask again. But a week later he begs and whines until I give in.

Two Years To Go

 
Dear Two Years To Go:

You cannot change the past, except how you are already doing it:
being on program and sticking to it as well as you can. The fact that
you have been so successful already should be very reinforcing. I’m
sorry your husband cannot get on board and be supportive. That’s
disappointing but not terribly surprising. Many people do not like
seeing their own issues reflected by their loved ones. And misery
(which extreme obesity can be) does tend to love company. Also,
while your commitment is impressive, admirably so, the duration of
the process is probably intimidating him. There’s nowhere to hide from
your process and your progress. Eventually even he is going to have to
start dealing with his own demons.

 
What to do: Hold him to his word. Like any serial fibber, he means
what he says when he says it, just not the next time has to be held
accountable for what he promised. Get him to put it in writing. When
he starts asking about going out for dinner, hand him his written vow
and ask him to read it out loud. Then offer up a list of places you
would be willing to go: places where you can get salads, healthy sides,
carb-free or gluten-free food, or whatever other specific guidelines you
choose to obey. He’ll grumble but eventually he’ll give in. Congrats
and good luck getting to goal.

Detoxing

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been dealing with a cluster of health issues for the last several
years, in addition to needing to lose the 20-30 pounds that have crept
on over the decades. My doctor has given me a very limited health
regimen to follow. Not just the usual advice to eat primarily fruits and
vegetables, whole grains and unprocessed foods. But to eliminate, as
much as possible all of the following: wheat, sugar, dairy, caffeine,
legumes, and nightshades. It’s a tall order but I am doing well, about
80% on program. The hardest was giving up real coffee and cream in
the morning, an ongoing struggle. My health and weight are starting to
improve. But I realize that I am getting crankier and crankier, angry at
having to do this, and generally an emotional mess. I’ve always been
an emotional eater. But now that I cannot turn to sugar, salt, or carbs,
I feel worse. Advice?

Detoxing

 
Dear Detoxing:

Our sign-off’s a big clue: your system is shedding all the crap you’ve
poured into it. Think about all the times you ate when you were
emotional, as in eating when happy, eating when sad, eating when
angry, frustrated, restless, bored. Imagine eating at the joyous
beginnings of relationships and at the painful ends of them. Imagine
all the unresolved feelings you shoved down your gullet ahead of the
food you used to keep them suppressed. I’m not suggesting you didn’t
actually experience the emotions. Rather that when they got you to an
emotional brink that you probably shut down by eating cookies, chips,
ice cream, or whatever your vice of choice was at the time. That’s
what emotional eating means, at least in my understanding. Now
you’re gong to have to go back to that emotional edge and find a
different way of coping.

 
Congratulations on your progress. That’s the good news part of your
predicament Here’s the bad news. The emotions that you suppressed
still have to come out; you wont be able to keep them down forever if
you want to get healthy. In addition to being in detox, and withdrawal
from certain foods, you are also in withdrawal from emotional eating
to insulate you from life’s bruising. Here’s more good news: as you
learn better coping skills, you wont have to repeat the cycle. So create
a safe place to let up all the old sadness, rejection, anger, etc etc etc.
Do it alone by crying in the shower or on the sofa, or in a counselor’s
office, or a support group. As you empty out all the old emotions you
are making room for a healthier new you.

Over the Line

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Okay I know this is an annual lament, but how can I recover from all the holiday
eating. I packed on ten pounds this year, in part because I agreed to take a
cooking class this fall with my best friend that turned out to be a baking class,
and the few dishes that were considered entrees seemed to be based on heavy
cream. I loved them all and since I had promised by hubby that he could taste I
ate all of them twice, in addition to all the usual holiday meals and fressing at
various art shows, Chanukah parties, and end-of- year parties. So my scale is
accepting no excuses and even my “fat clothes” are tight. Can you motivate me
without shaming me?

Over the Line

 
Dear Over the Line:

Shame is a horrible motivator. It’s often used but rarely gets lasting results, and
usually makes people feel worse about themselves than when they begin their
diet plans and sometimes backfires completely with secret eating and added
rather than lost pounds. It&'s never worked for me and I would be loath to inflict it
on anyone else.

 
It is always tempting to jump for the quick weight loss scheme, perhaps thinking
easy on/easy off. But that logic fails because even though the pounds add on
easily, they attach like super glue. Even if you decide to do something differently
in a month, my best suggestion is to choose a plan like Weight Watchers or
another balanced diet for one month. It will recalibrate your relationship with
sugar, with portions, and reintroduce the balance of vegetables and protein over
sugar and fat. Yes it is slower than a quickie plan, but once you are down even a
handful of pounds you will become self-motivating. You’ll have lots of company in
January.

Schlepper

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I do a lot of erranding favors for a neighbor who has been
incapacitated by a rare disease. She has a husband but he is busy
taking care of his 98-year- old mother, and I am retired and zip around
town to the gym etc. So several days a week she asks me “If you are
going to the store would you pick me up….” And though I would not go
to the store on my own as often as she asks me, it is impossible to get
to our neighborhood without passing a large market, so I generally
accommodate. She has complained bitterly in the past about people
who judge her illness as a result of her obesity, and has said how she
doesn&'t want to be her husband’s “food police” or have anyone try and
be hers.

 

But as her health and mobility decline and her treatments do
not seem to be having any kind of turn-around impact, she more and
more often asks me to pick up foods I know are not on her official
regimen. These are cloaked with seemingly legitimate requests, such
as “Avocadoes are on sale. Can you get me four, and so are the giant
bags of chips, so please get me three of those too.” I did it last week
but I am increasingly uncomfortable continuing to enable her. Plus,
every time I go to the “bad” sections of the market, it makes me want
to eat things I am trying to avoid. How can I decline without adding to
her woes?

Schlepper

 
Dear Schlepper:

Helping the less mobile is good. So is being a good neighbor. But
enabling and violating your personal values is bad, and you shouldn&'t
be put in that situation, especially if it hurts both of you.
Next time you deliver food tell her that you are changing your
schedule and diet and want to stop at the store less frequently. Ask
her to give you one list by early Monday morning, and assume her
hubby will pick up additional items on his way home from caretaking
her mother-in- law.

 

Tell her that while you understand her views about
“the food police,” you are trying to clean up your own act. Say simply,
I do not want to go into the “bad neighborhoods” of the market
anymore. Explain that you’re happy to bring her all the produce she
wants, but that she should also ask her hubby to be the treat-bearer,
because just being around them make your own choices harder to
support. She will not be happy. But she will get over it. She will almost
certainly test you, and you’ll have to decide where to draw the line.

It’s Working!!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m on a very stringent diet. There are health reasons, vanity reasons,
and most the fact that I am tired of thinking about how to lose weight.
One of my best friends and I made a pact for three months (till
Thanksgiving) to become juicers, vegetarians, and detoxify our bodies.
We have a very clear program, have each consulted with our doctor,
and have found ways to be supportive. But almost to a person, every
other person I know, whether that’s socially, professionally, or
casually, has an opinion that boils down to: That’s nuts. Come’ on lets
go get some coffer/cake/ice cream/sugary treat. Frankly I’m tired of
explaining but don’t want to lose my life over this, just my blubber and
my meds. Do I need to issue a press release?
It’s Working!!!

 
Dear It’s Working:
Congrats to you and your friend. Research shows that a buddy is a good support
system and heightens success. Anyone who goes through the right steps, which
includes sorting through the myriad of diet options, and consulting a physician,
should be congratulated not harassed. Sometimes the people who want to woo
you off your program are exactly the folks who should develop one of their own.
Seeing someone else’s will power in action sometimes creates envy and a desire
to undercut their success.

 
Yes you should avoid those folks, but only for the duration. A press release is not
a bad idea. Think about a short bullet list of information you can hand or email
them: Yes I know what I’m doing. My doctor has Okayed my program. It’s only
between now and Thanksgiving. I’d like your support. Here’s how you can help:
Invite me only for tea, not other food. Let’s go for a walk instead of eating. Let’s
not talk about food. Let’s not complain about our illnesses, aches, and pains.
Let’s practice talking about how happy and grateful we are to be alive and happy
and able to improve our lives by our own efforts. But you should also be willing to
express those same thoughts eyeball to eyeball. Anyone you can’t be honest
with, and who’s not willing to support your progress and development, is
someone with whom you should minimize contact. Optimism breeds optimism.
Create more of that!

On Track

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m doing really well on my food program. I have managed to lose and
keep off 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. That’s not a lot
compared to how much my friends who are on wacko diets (like the
cabbage diet, or some scary sounding growth hormone thing) have
lost. But it’s been slow, steady, and has stayed off. I’ve done it with
assiduous attention to what I put on my mouth, and by walking up to
five miles a day. I do not attend any meetings and only intermittently
do anything as formal as writing down calories. I am sticking as much
as possible to non-processed foods and organic fruits and vegetables.
But no matter how good I do, whenever I am at parties or public
events like an oneg, I am seduced by the array of sweets. Then, and
some nights after supper when I just want something! I sometimes
give in. I have another 25 pounds to go so I know this will be a long
haul. Do you have any good tips for me?
On Track

 
Dear On Track:
The best diet tip I ever heard, other than the basic advice my mother
gave me (Eat less and move more!) is to make a mantra out of the old
Weight Watchers slogan: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
The tricks, of course, are: to remember your mantra before the sweets
are in your mouth; to say it to yourself often and sincerely enough
that the urge to stuff your face with goodies subsides; then to take a
few deep breaths and think over your choices. If you can find some
veggies (I know, Ugh when you want sugar), or at least some cheese
or fruit, try to appease yourself first. Or promise yourself something in
the future. It turns out that will power and delayed gratification are
learned behaviors. Like any other muscles, they need use and training.
This is all great advice but not as easy as it sounds. I’m still not very
good at it.

 
But the reality of dieting the right way, the long way, is that you’re
going to have many many chances both to get it right, and to blow it.                            Another good tip is to think of each time you eat as a choice. Don’t
give yourself permission to stay on the wrong track if you make one
wrong choice during a day. As in, I already ate something bad
today…so I’ll be better tomorrow. You have three (or more)
opportunities each day to eat the right thing. If you’re going to go off
program, then plan for it, and be especially good before and after.
You’re not going to be perfect for the whole next year or however long
the process takes. But you can be mindful. That’ll help you keep the
weight off.

Getting Ready

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I need to lose 30 pounds and have for years. My good friend and
neighbor needs to lose 150. Despite the weight gap, her health on
blood tests is better than mine, sigh. I’ll spare you the medical details.
I am supposed to eat one set of foods and she another. She has said
she’s willing to give up sugar in solidarity with me, if I will give up
coffee for her. Frankly I feel like I am already making so many
sacrifices and changes that my morning cup of coffee is going to be
one of the few pleasures left. But I don’t want to lie to her, and even
though my last thirty will take longer than her first thirty, I am
committed to supporting her, I am willing to be her ally until she
makes her goal. This is gonna be along haul. Do you have ideas for
how to make it work for both of us?
Getting Ready

 
Dear Getting Ready:
If you’re level of commitment to your own diet is reflected in your
ambivalence about supporting her, then I predict she’s going to make
more progress than you are. You need to accept the fact that you’re
undergoing a major life change, one that you say you’ve needed to do
for a while and that you want to be ready for. Clearly neither of you
got to where you are by being self-disciplined or self-denying. To make
it work you need to have clearer rules that you stick to and that you’re
willing to lose with. But they do not have to be the same or to be any
more egregiously difficult than they have to be.

 
Agree on regular meetings, say weekly, to weigh in and talk about
what’s working and what’s hard. Set a time for walking together, say a
mile or so around the local blocks, several times a eek. That’s different
form the weigh in. It’s to be friends and talk about things other than
your diets o that your whole friendship doesn’t revolve around this one
issue.

 

On the denial swap, tell her the truth: you’re ready to support
her for the long run, and that you’ll try to ready yourself to give up
coffee, but you’re not ready to do it now. Say you appreciate what’s she’s                      offered, and it might help her anyhow, but best to focus on what
you each need to do, not to add an extra layer of difficult or unease.
Most important, build in some goals and rewards for when you hit
milestone events, like 10 pounds lost. Buy a new plant for the garden
or go to a concert together. Remember how lucky you are to have one
another. Limit your lattes to one a day, and do it for the long run.