Category Archives: Food & Fitness

Not Even Hungry

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I tried to do everything right this year to prepare for the holiday eating
frenzy. And I don’t just mean Thanksgivvikah. Latke parties are past,
but I am facing endless trays of goodies and tidbits at office
celebrations, art shows, and in the homes of Christian friends and
football buddies. All December and early January eating. I have a
health coach who’s given me lots of useful tips but when I walk into a
room filled with yummy carbs, my hand has put sweets in my mouth
before my brain can muster up even a small No, let alone the NO NO
NO! I need to hear. Can you give me advice that’ll stick to my brain?

Not Even Hungry

 
Dear Not Even Hungry:

General wisdom says most people who do not make any attempt to
quell their participation in the holiday eating frenzy will put on five
pounds without even trying. Holding your own – as in just not gaining
weight – is a good goal. Losing weight this time of year seems
impossible. But yes, having some way to apply the brakes, even if
you’re slowing from fifth gear chomping down to second, will have the
effect you want.

 
The best tip I’ve heard in a while is this one, from a Weight Watcher’s
buddy. It’s based on the principle of absolutes, not a sliding scale of
“just one,” “just two,” and “what the hell?!?!,” a system I can assure
you will never work. Divide the world of things you might put into your
mouth into two categories. In the “Good Food” category put all
vegetables, protein, cheese, soups, sides, and things like hummus and
dips. Everything else (the things your hand reaches for automatically,
like bread, cookies, cakes, pies, tea breads, toffee, yeah the list goes
one) goes into a category you’re about to call Not Food. Say it with
me, Not Food. When you walk into a room, allow yourself to eat all the
Good Food you want. But when you look at the Not Food, assume it is
as indigestible as wrapping paper or car parts, and train yourself to
pass it by. Who know, you might get good at it.

Need It Tender

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have problems as a guest. I’m a widower who enjoys eating a home-
cooked meal with friends. I enjoy the companionship as well as the
cooking – if I can eat the cooking. I don&'t ever eat poultry. My friends
and family know that, and are generally willing to plan the menu
around me. When they invite me to dinner, especially for the holidays,
they usually make brisket. This is good, even fine, when they know
how to cook it. But many make it so tough that I cannot chew it, even
with my dentures. So there’s the problem of not being able to swallow,
and not wanting to spit it out. What can I say to my eager hostesses,
because I think they really do want to invite me?

Need It Tender

 
Dear Need It Tender:

The best time to communicate is when you get the invitation. Talk to
each hostess as you are called. Assume, btw, that they may speak
with one another. But that’s okay because you’re going to be giving
the same message to each of them. In those convos, your goal is to
communicate appreciation for their hospitality and for their continued
sensitivity to your food needs.

 
Explain that, as you are aging you have, in addition to food
sensitivities like chicken, increasing problems with chewing. You can
say that even your dentist despairs about getting you comfortable. Say
how much you enjoy dining with them and hope this new information
won’t make them less interested in sharing food and companionship
with you. Say you have experimented with brisket recipes and have
found one that always turns out tender as a baby’s bottom (not that
you’d eat a baby!). (Note: I can send you a friend’s mother’s recipe if
you want, that I have to admit is more fall-apart delicious even than
my own mother’s.) Offer to share the recipe with them, and then say
gently, Please when I come, just give me a tiny taste of the meat. If I
cannot chew it, I don’t want to embarrass either of us. At worst, you’ll
have all the fun parts of being social, and a lot of vegetarian meals
made of a collection of side dishes and dessert.

Short list

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just re-carpeted. I&'ve done everything I need to do to my house at
least for the next couple of years. Unless an appliance breaks, I should
have no expenses related to my house. Ditto my yard. I’ve cleaned
and purged every room. I brought two dozen bags to goodwill and
women&'s shelters. I’ve stripped and donated, cleaned, and dumped.
While there are things I&'d like to buy there is nothing I really need
except, gulp, to lose 20 lbs. I&'ve dodged this as long as I can. When I
finally got the courage to get on my scale (pre coffee, dry hair, naked
as the day I was born), I was relieved to see a 6 in the middle instead
of a 7. My goal is a 4 but in my fantasies I get down to a 3 (what I
weighed on my 20s). Can you tell me what I already know in a way
that I’ll listen?

Short list

 
Dear Short List:

The hard thing about weight loss is that you cannot just write a check
and pay someone else to do the hard work for you. But you can apply
the discipline to this project that you did to your house. Do similar
homework to what you did before you chose new carpet. I recommend
a structured program that’s already tested and endorsed. Review all
your options, including content and cost. There’s plans where you need
to eat the system’s food, and others where you count calories or other
specifics of intake. My vote would be a system that makes choices
easy. Weight Watchers is always good but there&'s also everything from
carb-free to fat- free and all points in-between. The only wrong choice
is one you won’t stick to. Experts say that weight lost more slowly
stays off. But weight that’s never lost keeps you where you are. While
what you weighed in your 20’s may sound extreme, losing twenty
pounds does not.

 
Get yourself a buddy who also has a similar goal and timeline. You
don’t have to be on the same system, but you do have to agree to
support one another with daily texts saying you stuck to your
program. It’d be great to exercise together. Make a twice-weekly date
to meet and exercise together. Walk every day 20-30 minutes when
you are not together. Keep a food log. Weigh yourself regularly. And
choose a “got to goal” outfit that’s a half-size too small from your
closet and hang it where you can see it. Start there and see if you can
lose four pounds this month. Repeat after you do.

Serious This Time

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I did what you said but it is not working. I asked a friend of mine if she
wanted to be my exercise buddy. We are both mid-sixties, too
sedentary, and want to lose 20-25 pounds. Previously we took a class
together at the university so I know she is a hard worker when she
puts her mind to something. Also, she is one of the bluntest and most
honest people I know, so when she says she is going to commit to
something I take her at her word. It has been two weeks since we
agreed to meet Tuesday and Friday mornings at 10 for an hour for
hand weights, tai chi, stretching, and balance ball exercises. I have all
the equipment we need and the space. She has been late twice,
cancelled once, and seems much more interested in talking than
moving. In addition she brings over kugel, blintzes, etc, all of which
are delicious but are not on my diet. How can I tell her this is not what
I had in mind?

Serious This Time

 
Dear Serious This Time:

Nothing works as well as the truth when you’re talking to a friend. And
if she’s not a good enough friend for you to feel comfortable talking to
honestly, you should look for someone else to see twice a week.
Retired or not, time is too valuable to spend waiting for someone who
is not as committed as you are or who you don’t feel close enough to
to speak honestly.

 
The next time you get together, work out as hard as you want. Then
talk to her Ask how the agreement is working for her, whether she
feels on track with her goals, and whether she feels she is following
through on your agreement. Listen to her answer. Then tell her the
contradictions you have observed. Tell her you plan to start promptly
at 10:00 from now on when you have scheduled to meet, whether she
is on time or not, and that you are going to stop at 11:00. Say you are
in it for your health and are treating these tow hours like doctors’
appointments. Tell her you want to make this work, and hope she does
too. Only time will tell if she steps up.

Choking

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I may have turned into a hoarder. It was most definitely not
intentional. I remember the horror I felt when I cleaned out my
parents’ home after my mother died and my father moved into
assisted living. And then the mountains of paper and other disposables
he managed to accumulate in just a few years there. But I’m afraid
I’m turning into my parents. Every room is filled, some to overflowing.
Several sizes of clothes (the optimistic, realistic, and pessimistic
wardrobes), books from college classes, sentimental things I never use
like serving dishes my mother pulled out for the holidays, old political
campaign buttons, notions/buttons/and ribbons, a couple years of
crosswords cut from the daily paper to prove my brain still works, pet
supplies for animals I will never again own. And so on. Can you give
me some practical suggestions about how to cull? Even if I found the
perfect mate, I don’t have the physical room to invite him into my
space.

Choking

 
Dear Choking:

My simplest advice: tackle this problem room by room. You can do it
one room a week, or take a solid week and do it one room a day. If
you start at ruthless it ill become an acquired habit, so begin where
the most egregious hoarding has occurred. Start with a small, easy
room like your bathroom. Go under the sink. Dump cosmetic and
cleaning products you never use, rags and broken mops, whatever is
clearly trash. It helps, btw to have receptacles to put everything in,
from big garbage bags to recycling containers, and a stash of things
you could donate. I think the idea of a future garage sale is just an
excuse to hang onto things. If it is usable, donate it to a worthy thrift
shop, women’s shelter, or someone else’s garage sale. If not, put it
into a “go away forever” pile.

 
Then tackle your kitchen, your living room, and every room except
your clothes closet. Like any other form of exercise, it’s a habit that
gets easier with repetition. Clothing still with tags on them earn a
special place in your closet. Your pessimistic (which I read as if-I- gain-
weight clothes) should be minimal, and include only the nicest duds.
Anything with stains or needing repairs, out. Not worn in ___ years,
out. Be ruthless down to your undies and socks. Books to the used
bookstore; old crosswords to the trash. Your goal at the end should be
enough space in each room for another adult to share your home with
you. And from now on, whenever you buy something new, you should
wave goodbye to something old

Coasting

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

It’s New Year’s 2013 and I am inundated with advice about resolutions
to make, most of which I need to listen to. Baseline information: I
could stand to lose twenty pounds. Thirty would be better. I have a
small savings account and a small retirement fund. But I tend to use
my credit card freely each month and when the time comes for big
non-monthly expenses like car or home insurance I have to take it out
of savings or as an advance. I don’t drink a lot but I also have been
known to have more than one and then drive myself home (if I’ve
been out with the girls after work). I have more “stuff” than I know
what to do with but still don’t know how to pass up a great sale or
bargain. I’m not a hoarder but my drawers and closets are full. Some
things, blush, still have tags on and are too small for me. I like my job
but haven’t thought about a career change in years. I go to synagogue
for the High Holidays but rarely in between unless there’s a B’nai
Mitzvah among my friends or family. I do have a loving partner and a
beautiful home that I love to use to entertain those I love. Can you
help me put the best foot forward in 2013?

Coasting

 
Dear Coasting:

You sound like you have a very clear sense of whom you are and how
you like to live. I’ll tell you what I see from here: someone comfortably
middle class, used to taking good care of her needs and extra good
care of her wants. You sound comfortably middle class, though that
could change in the future if you don’t pay more attention to your
retirement savings. Here’s some suggestions for how to start the year
off right:

 
– Clip all the resolution articles you see in the next week out of the
paper and put them in a file (including this one). Read them on the
first Sunday of each month with a good cup of coffee to remind
yourself that you do want to make changes, not in the big thrust of
your life but in all the margins.

 

– Dedicate January to cleaning your closets and drawers. Set some
very clear criteria, like tossing anything with stains. And by tossing I
mean to put in a donation bag labeled marginal. Also start a bag of
better things, especially work clothing. Most women’s shelters are
hungry for interview clothing. Keep a decent wardrobe in your current
size and one lower but make sure there’s room between the hangers.

 
– Do the same thing for your food pantry, your freezer, your bathroom
cupboards, your garage, and anywhere that you cannot see the walls
and floor. Call around to local non-profits to see whom you can donate
what to. Lots of people with much less than you can benefit.

 
– Set some weight loss criteria that you can keep to consistently.
Going meat free one day a week is good for the waistline and the
planet. Make sure you have a salad for lunch and for dinner. Try going
without carbs for one of those meals (i.e. no bread, potatoes, rice,
etc). Ditto for desserts and alcohol. Weigh yourself at least once a
week.

 
– Walk more. Start with a 10-minute walk each day and up the time
and/or distance at least weekly, though daily would be better. If you
can work your way up to an hour a day you will benefit your long-run
health in very solid ways.

 
-When you get your paycheck, put $50 extra into in the savings
account. Also start an annual expenses fund. The math is easy: add up
all the annual expenses and divide by12. Put that amount in each
month. That’ll force you to cut back on small expenses like daily lattes,
or whatever you spend money on without blinking. Use only your
checking account debit card, and lock your credit card away.

 
– Rewrite your resume. You may never choose to apply for a different
job, but this will give you perspective on your strengths and
weaknesses. Have a sit-down with your boss. Say you are happy with
your organization but want to challenge yourself to grow more. Ask
what will help both of you.

 
– Go to services more often. Or take a community ed class in
something you care about. Go to music recitals or talks at the library.
Start meditating or volunteer at a non-profit you care about. Push the
boundaries of your life beyond whatever you’ve been doing with your
time.

 

 

– Never drink and drive. You’ll live longer and so will the rest of us.

Bigger Than Chubby

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I have no idea how many
times I have said, I’m never eating sugar again. I’m going to exercise
30 minutes each day. I am off carbs. No more burgers and fries. Etc
etc etc with everything my mother told me for years: Eat less and
move more! I’ve paid more to Weight Watchers than my synagogue.
And here I am, fat again. Fatter than most of the clothes in my closet.
Fatter than I should be with spring looming. Hellllpppppp….

Bigger Than Chubby

 
Dear Bigger Than Chubby:

Any time this side of the grave is not too late to get healthier and
lighter. Your question suggests you know what to do, but lack the
motivation to actually do it consistently. Assuming you don’t want to
invest in a new wardrobe one size larger, try this motivating tool, an
exercise is best done when no one else is home. Pull everything in
your wardrobe out of the closet. Turn all the lights in your room on
bright. They won’t be as bad as a department store dress-on room,
but you’ll get the same ugh! effect. Divide your closet into three parts:
fits now; would fit if I lost 10-15 pounds; and maybe it&'s time to
donate this. One by one, try on every piece of clothing you own, from
jeans to party wear. (Note: Allow yourself a glass of wine along the
way. It’ll help you laugh and complete the exercise.)

 
Once you see how far you’ve drifted from where you were and where
you want to be, set up a program for yourself to start ASAP, as in
today. Find 30 minutes each day to walk. Wake up earlier; walk at
lunchtime or before or after dinner. Consistency matters but most
important is doing something every day. Studies show that folks who
move from sedentary to active get a bigger impact for their time than
already athletes who add 30 minutes to their existing routines. Set
some food absolutes, like no fries ever, and sugar only once a week.
Eat more veggies and less fat. Fruit not chocolate. If Weight Watchers
is your program, read the rules like you’ve never seen them before,
including all the tips and community posts. Or go to meetings. Get on
the scale at least once a week. Avoiding and fearing your scale is one
of the surest tip-offs that your clothing exercise will slowly but
inexorably shift towards the Eeek doesn’t fit! side of the closet. Many
of us will be doing the same things as days get longer and clothing
tighter. See you on the walking paths.

Latkes are Calling

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I feel like a loser. Or maybe I should say a gainer. I was doing really
well on my diet program until I hurt my knee (trying to keep my dog
from running after a squirrel). First I couldn’t exercise. Then I started
to eat less well. Then I started to eat much less well. Did I mention I
wasn’t exercising at all during this period? Things were going badly, so
I went into freefall and started eating chips, popcorn, brownies, and
pretty much anything I wanted, which was mostly carbs, sugar, and
salt and almost never salads or veggies. On Thanksgiving I lay
groaning on the sofa after pigging out on stuffing and pie. I cannot
imagine being good for the next month. But my pants are already tight
and I know I don’t want to feel like I did on Thanksgiving during the
whole holiday season. But the:

Latkes are Calling

 
Dear Latkes are Calling:

You cannot afford to write off another month. Or even another week.
The truth is you shouldn’t write off even any more meals. Instead, you
need to put yourself on a pretty tight leash and try and get a firm grip
not just between now and January but well into the new year. But
that’s my mother talking. The latkes call me too, and it is nigh onto
impossible to make it from now until 2013 without having any treats.
The trick, and the imperative, is to pace yourself, to make rational
rather than impulsive choices, and to make them just that: choices.

 

You need to approach life one meal at a time. Do not write off a whole
day just because you blew it at breakfast. If you have waffles at 7:00,
then compensate with a salad at 12:00. Each meal is a new decision
and new chance to get things right. Do the math: three meals a day
for a month plus snacks is well over a hundred chances to eat well
instead of poorly. As we heard in the recent election, this is arithmetic.
Fewer calories in means fewer pounds gained and more pounds lost.
Try counting to ten before you put anything into your mouth and see if
you can tell a difference in your pants, your mood, and your habits.

Non-Smoker

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This going to sound weird but here goes: my best friend gave my
mother marijuana. I&'ve always known my mother indulged. She&'s a
child of the sixties and for a while even had a medical marijuana card
in California where she lives and where it is legal. But it&'s not legal
here!!! I understood when she was in a lot of pain before surgery for a
nasty rotator cuff injury. But she told me she’d stopped. I&'ve always
known my friend smokes occasionally but we simply don&'t talk about it
because she knows I don&'t approve. Long story short: Mom came for
Thanksgiving and left some pot in the guest room. I found it after she
left but when I asked her about it she said she hadn&'t wanted to fly
with it and told me she’d arranged everything with Deena before her
visit. What if anything do I say or do?

Non-Smoker

 
Dear Non Smoker:

You can talk till you&'re blue in the face and I’d bet money the same
thing will happen the next time your mom visits and the time after
that, etc etc until one or both change their habits. Smokers don&'t stop
smoking (cigarettes or marijuana) until they are ready, any more than
alcoholics shun booze or chocoholics turn away from their deep dark
pleasures. You can be self-righteous, moralistic, threatening, cajoling,
or any other tone you think can pull off. But don’t have any false
expectations. The same is true for Deena, though with lower odds.

 

What you can do more successfully is set some ground rules. For
example: No smoking in front of your children. No smoking in the
house. No driving while stoned. No smoking where neighbors can see
or smell. No bail if she is in fact busted, though little old ladies are
rarely targets. You can talk to her about alternatives for pain control or
even for recreational relaxation. You can tell her you don’t want her to
visit unless she’ll promise you the air will not get anyone high. My only
caution is this: She’s unlikely to stop simply because you ask her to,
and very likely to turn the mirror your direction. So whatever habits
you have that you know she doesn’t approve of are likely to end up
part of the ensuing discussion. If you’re prepared to change for her,
maybe she’ll snuff out her weed for you.

Ready to Downsize

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Please help me with a problem that involves friends and food. I have
needed to lose weight for most of my life. I ballooned out in my
twenties in a very bad relationship and have been trying to slim down
for more than twenty years. I lose, I gain; I lose, I gain. You know the
yo-yo. But I have managed to keep off 50+ pounds and am finally
ready to tackle the last 25.

 

The problem is that my friends have heard me say this same thing about
ten thousand times and simply shut their ears and keep inviting me for
drinks, meals and desserts. This time, instead of picking a program where
I have too many choices I am doing one (endorsed by my medical doctor)
where I follow the meal plans. Real live food, with lots of protein and veggies,
that I prepare. But strictly on program. How can I get them to respect and
support what I am doing?

Ready to Downsize

 
Dear Ready to Downsize:

Don’t give any credence to their negativity and skepticism. Virtually
anyone who has been a yo-yo dieter knows that it almost always takes
more than one try to get to goal. Many medical folks believe that the
body needs to recalibrate in set points, and that when you gain more
than you lost and then settle in you set a new, lower, set point that
brings you down in steps. Admittedly trying to go the last third of the
way in one giant step is a big goal. So you’ll have to work as hard on
your maintenance lifestyle as you do on the losing.

 
As for your fiends, you’re going to have to prove it to them by your
demonstrations of self-control. Sparkling water with two limes, hold
the gin and tonic water. Salad not corn or potatoes. Decaf for dessert.
There’s lots of ways to eat out and still be able to be social during the
next many months it will take to lose your weight. I’m betting that as
your friends begin to see you slim down they will become more
supportive. And when you do go down your first size, treat yourself to
some spiffy new clothes to celebrate and validate your victory.

Ready (I’m praying)

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I know you must get this question twenty times a week, but I really
need help and really mean it – this time: I need to lose weight and
have a history of failing I’ve been overweight my whole life. Actually
family legend is that until I was six I was so skinny that my mother
started feed me milkshakes. This the same woman who said to me
when I got my PhD, “If you’re so smart, how come you’re fat?”!!! For
twenty years she has offered to pay for Weight Watchers if I will go to
meetings. I’ve actually decided to do WW, but online and without her
subsidy even telling her. We live two hours apart, but talk several
times a week. I will see her several times for the end of year holidays
and I want to able to walk in and have her go “Wow!” Okay I’d settle
for a “You look good.” Even a “You look better. It’s about time.” Do
you have any tips for me beyond what the system will provide?

Ready (I’m praying)

 
Dear Ready:

I’m not getting paid to say this, but Weight Watchers consistently
ranks as among the most effective weight loss programs. It’s not the
fastest but it does help you learn new habits that will help you keep off
the weight you lose. The good news about it is also the bad news: you
can eat virtually anything, as long as you keep track of how much of it
you eat and how much of your daily food budget it uses. That means
you are still vulnerable to bread, cheese, chips, and deserts. One
theory: avoid all the big bad calorie-rich foods. Another: eat only a
little. Most importantly: write down everything you eat, and be honest
about the quantity. One friend who has lost three sizes gave this big
tip: have five snacks available to you at all times: cut up veggies,
hummus, nuts, fruit, etc. No they’re not exciting but they will keep you
on program.

 
As for your mother, don’t say anything until just before you see her. If
she asks about your weight during a phone call, say you are paying
attention to it. Shortly before you are to get together, say you have
been very conscientiously focused on healthy eating. Be clear that you
are on track, not at goal (because you won’t be by then) and that you
want her support, not her criticism. If she is sarcastic or otherwise
negative, look her in the eye and say very simply and quietly, Please
help me; don’t hurt me. Then excuse yourself for a walk. She’ll think
you’re being overly sensitive and that she’s helping, so a little shaming
is okay if it quiets her. Good luck!

Told Her So

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

One of my best friends just turned 50. She’s upset because (in her
mind) she is 15 pounds overweight. She decided to diet and throw
herself into exercise. She joined a gym and started taking any class
she could both before and after work and on weekends: step aerobics,
Nia, Zumba, Spin, and things I’ve never ever heard of. She was really
excited the first few weeks, and then got quiet. It turns out that’s
when she hurt herself but decided to “push through.” What a bad
decision! That’s according to both me and her doctor, who has told her
she now has tendonitis, in both her right arm and both legs, and needs
to totally back off from all exercise, ice, and go to PT. Also to take it
slow when she does start again. But she’s morose because that’s
months away. She’s grumpy and whiney and not taking any
responsibility for the damage she inflicted on herself. I want to be
supportive of her setback but also to make her realize her
responsibility and that she has to do things differently to avoid a
repeat in the future.

Told Her So

 
Dear Told Her So:

No one likes to be hurt. No one likes to be told, I told you so. Instead
you’re going to have to swallow what you want to say and say what
she needs to hear in a way that she will actually hear it. Like most
people who have committed some form of self-sabotage, your friend is
probably carrying a strong degree of shame and anger at herself as
well as pain and frustration over this setback. Yes, 50 isn’t 40 or 30 or
20. She’s learning that the hard way and you don’t need to, and
shouldn’t, rub her face in it.

 
It’ll be counter-productive to tell her not to repeat what she did again.
It’ll also be counter-productive to speak retrospectively. Instead, talk
in questions to which the only possible answers will be what she needs
to hear herself say. Things like: What did the doctor say caused it?
What did the doctor say to do now? What did the doctor say to do
about starting to exercise again later? What can you do now? Add
supportive things like: I’d be happy to do your PT exercises with you
and learn the stretching that I need to do too. The hard part will pass
and she’ll learn, or you’ll both get to practice these lessons again.

Stand My Ground?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have been searching for the right place to exercise. Finally, I joined
the local Y and have been enjoying it. I start my day with 8:00 tai chi,
a class with many people who have been doing it together for years.
On Fridays the class is participant-led; the oldies gather at 7:30 to do
a long form the rest of us don’t know. But the routine takes until 8:10.
Each week the rest of us stand around each week waiting. Last week I
said “Consensus is you should start sooner or end on time so we can
start our class on time.” They got all huffy but then said they would
move to a different room and came in when they finish. This week
they started making catty remarks about “Sarah says…” I spoke up
because the other women were intimidated. Not much intimidates me,
but I feel disssed and vulnerable in a place that had been a welcome
retreat. I’ve pre-paid for a year.

Stand My Ground?

 
Dear Stand My Ground:

The alternatives you posed were quite reasonable. Given that the
oldies were being selfish about wasting other people’s time, it was
appropriate to speak up. But I can understand your feelings of
vulnerability. An alternative strategy might have been to ask the Y
staff to say something or post a notice, or to just start doing your
regular routine on time in another part of the room. No matter what,
you would probably have been tagged as the complainer simply for
being new, if the others had been putting up with the rudeness for a
long time.

 
You don’t say how you’ve responded to the “Sarah says…” comments.
It sounds as though you’ve been quiet and internalized them. If you
want to continue tai chi there, and end the verbal abuse, consider
responding the next time with: For the record, it was not just me who
was standing around having my time taken. This class is for
everyone’s participation. So it seems reasonable that at 8:00 we
should all be equal. It’s great you know something special. If you
prefer this room, perhaps begin at 7:15. Or else, please join us when
you’re done in the other room. But name calling seems antithetical to
the spirit of what we’re gathered here to do.” It’ll be uncomfortable for
a little while. But then it will blow over. They can’t like you less and
may respect you more.

Two Years To Go

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m morbidly obese. I have lost seventy pounds but still have well over
one hundred still to go. I have been on what some people might
consider a strict diet (basics are mostly fruits and vegetables, no
wheat, dairy, or sugar, with lots more details) but for me it has
become a way of life. I could lighten up on the strictness but I am so
empowered and energized by how I feel and do not want to lose the
momentum. My husband, who should also lose at least a hundred
pounds, keeps asking me to eat out. I wouldn’t mind occasionally
going to a restaurant where I could get what I want to eat. But he
likes greasy Chinese, and once I’m there it’s impossible to find brown
rice, let alone organic vegetables. Each time I relent and go I regret it
immediately and suffer the next day. Each time he promises he’ll
never ask again. But a week later he begs and whines until I give in.

Two Years To Go

 
Dear Two Years To Go:

You cannot change the past, except how you are already doing it:
being on program and sticking to it as well as you can. The fact that
you have been so successful already should be very reinforcing. I’m
sorry your husband cannot get on board and be supportive. That’s
disappointing but not terribly surprising. Many people do not like
seeing their own issues reflected by their loved ones. And misery
(which extreme obesity can be) does tend to love company. Also,
while your commitment is impressive, admirably so, the duration of
the process is probably intimidating him. There’s nowhere to hide from
your process and your progress. Eventually even he is going to have to
start dealing with his own demons.

 
What to do: Hold him to his word. Like any serial fibber, he means
what he says when he says it, just not the next time has to be held
accountable for what he promised. Get him to put it in writing. When
he starts asking about going out for dinner, hand him his written vow
and ask him to read it out loud. Then offer up a list of places you
would be willing to go: places where you can get salads, healthy sides,
carb-free or gluten-free food, or whatever other specific guidelines you
choose to obey. He’ll grumble but eventually he’ll give in. Congrats
and good luck getting to goal.

Detoxing

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been dealing with a cluster of health issues for the last several
years, in addition to needing to lose the 20-30 pounds that have crept
on over the decades. My doctor has given me a very limited health
regimen to follow. Not just the usual advice to eat primarily fruits and
vegetables, whole grains and unprocessed foods. But to eliminate, as
much as possible all of the following: wheat, sugar, dairy, caffeine,
legumes, and nightshades. It’s a tall order but I am doing well, about
80% on program. The hardest was giving up real coffee and cream in
the morning, an ongoing struggle. My health and weight are starting to
improve. But I realize that I am getting crankier and crankier, angry at
having to do this, and generally an emotional mess. I’ve always been
an emotional eater. But now that I cannot turn to sugar, salt, or carbs,
I feel worse. Advice?

Detoxing

 
Dear Detoxing:

Our sign-off’s a big clue: your system is shedding all the crap you’ve
poured into it. Think about all the times you ate when you were
emotional, as in eating when happy, eating when sad, eating when
angry, frustrated, restless, bored. Imagine eating at the joyous
beginnings of relationships and at the painful ends of them. Imagine
all the unresolved feelings you shoved down your gullet ahead of the
food you used to keep them suppressed. I’m not suggesting you didn’t
actually experience the emotions. Rather that when they got you to an
emotional brink that you probably shut down by eating cookies, chips,
ice cream, or whatever your vice of choice was at the time. That’s
what emotional eating means, at least in my understanding. Now
you’re gong to have to go back to that emotional edge and find a
different way of coping.

 
Congratulations on your progress. That’s the good news part of your
predicament Here’s the bad news. The emotions that you suppressed
still have to come out; you wont be able to keep them down forever if
you want to get healthy. In addition to being in detox, and withdrawal
from certain foods, you are also in withdrawal from emotional eating
to insulate you from life’s bruising. Here’s more good news: as you
learn better coping skills, you wont have to repeat the cycle. So create
a safe place to let up all the old sadness, rejection, anger, etc etc etc.
Do it alone by crying in the shower or on the sofa, or in a counselor’s
office, or a support group. As you empty out all the old emotions you
are making room for a healthier new you.