Category Archives: Love & Relationships

Ex and Happy About It

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s the break-up etiquette for returning items that were left ay
one’s now ex’s house while we were being intimate? I have a variety of
his items at my place, as does he of mine. Some are of a personal
nature, and others are as varied as clothing and a ukulele. We are
saying we want to stay friends, after six months as lovers. I suspect
he has already started to date again, and that the “let’s be friends”
phase will be short, as in it will last only until I have been formally
replaced, after a dating process that a mutual friend has implied has
already begun with a bang.

Ex and Happy About It

 
Dear Ex/Happy:

If you can handle the exchange with humor and equanimity you might
be able to find and enjoy the irony, perhaps even to recall why you
were sharing those items in the first place. You will, however, need to
resist the temptation to ask about his social life, no matter how blatant
the conversational opportunities are. Being able to be friends with an
ex is an art form. For longer lasting relationships it can be harder,
because people have tended to let resentments build up.  But the
alternative is tossing the items and the friendship, which seems like a
waste.
 
As long as things are amicable, suggest a coffee meeting “for a
hostage exchange to share back the things that’ve been living at each
others’ houses.” I’m sure he’ll be relieved that you brought it up,
because there’s nothing more awkward than having a new flame ask,
“Whose is this???……”

The Wife

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For years my husband has flirted with another woman. It started in
complete fun when we met socially (both friends of the same friend).
It was clear he and she had a lot in common: both from Philadelphia,
Penn grads, funny, smart, sexy, and great people who care a lot about
others. He and I have been together for twenty years, and to others it
may seem like a tumultuous relationship. We have survived
bankruptcy, house remodels, miscarriages, and job losses. We fight
and we make up. It is intense, but also very honest and loving. We
have been in counseling and always agreed we want to stay together.
She has been a good friend to both of us, helping with job shifts and
giving us free legal advice. But the flirting has finally gotten to me. I
know nothing will ever happen, because she is a happily married
lesbian, and he has never come close to cheating on me. Our sex life is
great and has helped us through the hard times. But after years of
double entendres, winks, and jokes no one else in the room seems to
get, I want to shift how they play together. Am I just being a jealous
wife or is it okay to say something? To whom, when, and how?

The Wife

 
Dear Wife:

You say it simply and as often as it takes. You say it when people are
drinking wine, and when they are drinking coffee. You say it when the
three of you are alone, and in front of other friends. You say it
seriously and you say it joking. No matter when, where, and how you
say it, you make clear that there’s they need to cross back over the
line. You can and should also say that to your husband in private,
explaining that it is both hurtful and embarrassing.

 
There’s a difference between teasing, playfulness, and outright flirting,
Your line may have to do with language or touching, but be prepared
to give some playful examples. You can say their “show” is too blatant,
even boring. Challenge them to be subtler rather than continue as
things are. What will be important is your clarity, and the fact that you
are simple, clear, and consistent, as opposed to shaming, nagging,
and hurt. That’s not to say it’s not okay to be hurt. But you’re more
likely to make your point and get your way if you engage them in new
behaviors rather than fighting off the old ones. You’re unlikely to turn
them into quiet prudes, so set your line closer to where you are likely
to succeed.

Compromiser, Not Fighter

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was a single mother after my divorce for twenty years. I dated, I
hooked up, and then I decided I wanted to find the right guy. I am
mid-fifties though look younger, and a well-educated professional. I
didn’t want an old fuddy-duddy but rather someone to build a life with.
With Martin that mean relocation (I was happy to end my job and find
a new city) and adjusting to different politics and life decisions. But for
the most part we are happy. But he is a vet with PTSD and poor
communications skills. In decorating our new house, he says,
“Whatever you want.” But when I express a point of view that is not
what he has proposed, as in something as small as a different paint
color or tile pattern, he just turns on a dime and says “Never mind, do
whatever you want!” and walks out. I love this man and want to be
happy with him. How can we learn to disagree without it becoming a
major argument every time?

Compromiser, not Fighter

 
Dear Compromiser:

Every relationship has issues, and every relationship develops
patterns. Some can be good and healing. But others, especially in the
realm of communications, can lay an unsound foundation that will, in
the tough times that every life includes, make it much more difficult to
feel like you are on the same team in life. I am ignorant where PTSD
fits into the picture or pattern, and assume and suggest that he be
treated by whatever interventions are available and helpful. My advice
is limited to household and much smaller problems of daily living.
It’s important that you both acknowledge the interaction is fractious,
unpleasant, and not how you genuinely feel about one another.
Assuming that’s true, you don’t need to start at a marriage counselor.
But if you try some techniques that do not work, it’s worth considering
a couples’ counselor for even a few sessions. What seems big to you is
routine to them, and they may have fixes you can’t imagine. In the
interim, try starting with a conversation over a good meal. Say you
want to work on communication and have two ideas. First, whenever
you are making a decision, each of you should get 2-5 minutes to lay
out your case without interruption, with the other listening and not
interrupting. Then a discussion until you make a decision you can both
live with. Second, identify a code word, something unlikely to be part
of your normal conversation. Something silly like Pineapple! Tofu! Or a
word likely to elicit a laugh is good. Saying it translates to I think
we’re about to enter our bad communications place. Can we sit down
for fifteen minutes and talk things out (using method number one)?
Keep trying this until you learn to talk to one another or agree you
need external help.

Not a Fan(atic)

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in a marvelous new relationship. My sweetie and I have great fun
together, and many of the same hobbies. When we connected in
spring he told me that he was a football fan. Now, no matter what I
suggest that we plan to do or buy tickets for, he says “I’m not sure if I
am going to be free, and I won’t know until the networks decide on
game time.” We have clarified that his blackout times are not every
Monday and Thursday nights and all day/night on Saturday/Sunday,
but rather limited to his alma mater, which is also the local team in
our college town. They mostly play on Saturdays, but are now good
enough that the timing changes from morning to night depending on
the week, and often just days before the game. I find it somewhat
disconcerting to come in second to a televised sporting event,
especially one that could be taped and watched much more efficiently
without commercials. He says the fun is in the suspense of watching it
live, and doesn’t want to risk knowing what happened. The one thing I
do know is that this town is like a morgue when they lose and a party
when they win. I’ve even seen people sneaking peeks at game updates
in services. Oy!

Not a Fan(atic)

 
Dear Not A Fan(atic):

You love the relationship and your sweetie. But you have the right to
be able to make plans for a weekend without worrying about the TV,
the team, or your sweetie’s preference for a pig’s skin to your own, at
least between September and December. This is a perfect time to set
boundaries and recalibrate expectations. If it works it will strengthen
the relationship. If it doesn’t, you will know what you are choosing, or
declining.

 
Sit down with a drink and with your calendar, your sweetie, and your
sweetie’s calendar. Have the football schedule on a screen in front of
you. Ask if there are any Saturday games s/he would be willing to
miss, or are sure to be played early enough in the day that you could
plan an evening together. Mark those on both your calendars. Then,
for the weekends that are Saturday blackout dates for your sweetie,
ask when would be a better time to have a date. Friday? Sunday?
Both? Neither? Once those are established and written in both your
calendars, announce that you are now unavailable on the Saturday
evenings where the TV schedule and his team have first dibs. Say you
plan to make other dates with friends, and that you hope the two of
you are getting along well enough after football ends that you’ll go
back to being regular Saturday dates. Say you have no hard feelings,
but you don’t want to have to dance around the TV and team. Unless
you hate football completely, you could offer to join in for beer, chips,
and a particularly hot rivalry gamey. You might find you enjoy it more
than you like.

Grrrrrrrr

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just visited my daughter, son-in- law, and grandkids. The kids are
great (two boys 7 and 10, and a girl 4). But I saw several things that
disturbed me. My son-in- law is a like a fourth child. He does cross-fit
every day. He comes home with bloody hands and exhausted and
plops in front of a screen of some sort, work or sports. I understand
that the kids are spoiled, but that nobody other than my daughter
even takes their dishes to the sink, let alone help empty the
dishwasher, and generally be more responsible is very hard for me to
watch. He is a high-powered corporate sales guy, but it’s hard to teach
kids good values when only one parent is role modeling responsible
household behavior. My daughter is constantly walking around the
house picking up after all four of them. I hate to bite my tongue when
my son-in- law complained that she had seemed peeved and had taken
away a beer he hadn’t been finished with. I pitched in where I could,
but she said having help that disappeared was almost worse. I don’t
want to be seen as the meddling other-in- law. But I see my daughter
struggling to keep up and perpetually tired. What can I say?

Grrrrrrrr

 
Dear Grrrrrrr:

Every household has its own dynamics around chores and perceived
responsibilities. I come from the “teach them young” school, because
otherwise we will end up raising generations of entitled young who
think the rest of the world are their servants. That’s more than an
issue of class and superiority; it’s a matter of politeness and
appreciation as well as creating a culture of mutual responsibility.
Tell your daughter that she has to be the messenger, unless she wants
you to do it via email or Skype. I’d counsel that it be her, but you can
role-play and work out the kinks with her before she talks to the
family.

 

The messages should be these: The world won’t always be your
servant. Everyone has to help. If you don’t, people won’t like and
respect you and then you’ll get a reputation for being a slacker instead
of a nice person, which you are. From now on everyone is responsible
for carrying all their plates and glasses to the sink. You boys will help
me unload the dishwasher and [girl] will have special ways to help
until she’s older. If you spill something, grab a sponge and clean it up.
If you take things out of the fridge or cupboards, put them away in the
place you found them when you are done. And for one hour each
weekend we’re going to have a family clean-up project, all working
together so we can sing and whistle while we work.

 
As for the husband, he needs to model good housekeeping for the kids.
And he needs to put his happy face on around them. If they see him
complaining, they won’t respect or listen to your daughter. So tired or
not, he too needs to pitch in before he gets screen time.

Ready for Wife #2

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My wife and I decided to get a divorce two years ago. Life got in the
way. First we had to agree not to be adversarial, then had to figure out
how to deal with our biggest respective assets: our house, my 401K,
and her state-sponsored retirement account. By the time we’d made
sense of that I was in a new relationship and she had relocated to
another state. There are no children and the pets were amicably
resettled, so we decided to use a mediator. We went to one
recommended by a local attorney with whom I had worked
professionally in the past. The woman must be her sister or someone
who owes her money!! Four months later she has still not filed the
paperwork that she told us would be done in the first month. She has
“lost” or “misplaced” various important documents that are critical for
the process, and otherwise screwed things up so badly that both my
wife and I are ready to throttle her. We’ve invested $1500 into a
process we could have probably handled better ourselves. What can
we do?

Ready for Wife #2

 
Dear Ready:

You have two goals: get divorced and get remarried. In the process of
accomplishing the first, you need to divorce both your wife and your
first mediator. Focus on divorcing the mediator first, as she may be
listed as your agent of record. You can do this while you look for and
agree on a second mediator, if the plan below does not work.
Start by writing a letter to both the mediator and cc the attorney who
recommended her. Detail the timing of your contact, the promises that
were made, and then detail the list of mistakes and lost documents, all
the while maintaining a tone of aggrieved civility. Explain that you are
terribly dissatisfied and question both the competence and
professionalism of the mediator. Say that you want a detailed schedule
that she will adhere to (as in, divorced by Date X) or you want all your
money back. Say that if she can accomplish the divorce or return your
money you will reconsider your mutual decision to send your letter and
file a complaint to her licensing board.

 
My guess is that you will get an informal apology from the referring
attorney and either quick action or a refund from the mediator. If the
latter, go to Mediator Number 2. Most importantly will be to have an
independent counsel review the financial arrangements before you
sign off on them. Once a divorce is final you will need to live with the
outcomes.

The Ex

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My ex and I are very good friends. He relocated to the city where I live
after having a major heart attack. We live very close and are good
friends, enjoying meals together several times a week and sharing
responsibility for our pooch, which lives primarily with me. But now he
is in a new relationship with a woman whom I know from synagogue.
There’s nothing about her that I dislike. In fact, I’ve been social with
her in groups in the past, occasionally going to a movie or the opera
together. But something about seeing them together as a couple rubs
me the wrong way. He and I had made plans for Thanksgiving and a
variety of other events. Now he wants to include her. I don’t want to
be the pissy ex, but I DON’T WANT TO!! What can or should I do?

The Ex

 
Dear Ex:

Eventually either the relationship will dissolve or you will adjust to it.
But in the short run it is natural that you’ll have feelings of anxiety and
jealousy. If your true goal is to remain in his life as both a friend and
an ally, you’re better off acting like a happy friend than a jealous ex.
That’ll feel hard, so use your own friends or your counselor to process
your feelings, not your ex. To him you should be as gracious as
possible, and as supportive of his health and happiness as your facial
expressions and vocabulary will allow. Remember his new beau is also
someone who’s there to help in case of another future health
emergency.

 
Do not, repeat not, bad mouth his new sweetie to anyone who might
repeat what you say. Focus on events where you can be with them in
a larger group. Thanksgiving dinner or other dinner parties are good
examples. Avoid being the third wheel alone with them, and be
cautious about anything that might resemble a double date, even if
you start dating someone new yourself. Concentrate on being calm
and relaxed when you are around them. It might take a drink, but be
careful about drink number two, three, or more.

Daughter in Law

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I do not want you or your readers to hate me or think I am an unkind,
unfeeling, or horrible person. But I have lived in a small world of hurt
for the past sixteen months, after my mother-in- law moved in our
home, making it and my life a living hell. She is mean-spirited, sharp-
tongued, manipulative, nasty, ungrateful, unhappy, and generally
unpleasant. I have tried being solicitous, kind, friendly, helpful and,
when that failed, have occasionally tried to be more withdrawn,
leaving my husband to take greater responsibility for her care,
something he tends to avoid, out of a mix of denial, shame, fear, and
generalized reluctance to take care of household chores other than
repairs. She has the usual mental decline of age exacerbated by what
seems to me like selective memory loss, but I have become cynical.
Physically she would probably outlive both of us, especially with the
stress her presence is causing in our home and marriage. That’s what I
thought till last week when she fell, and in the ER was told she had
high blood sugar and needed more careful monitoring.

 

My husband and I had an almost three-week trip on the calendar, planned
long ago and over which we have no control of timing; it is go or don’t go,
leaving in a week. We had planned for in-home care but now have
decided to put her into assisted living while we are gone, so the docs
can get her more stable. The question is this: When we return, should
she stay there or move back with us? My argument: Her ailments are
intermittent but potentially serious; give her better care, which she
can absolutely afford, and give us a chance to remember we used to
like one another. My husband could go visit her daily (he recently
retired). His counter: She’s my mother; she doesn’t want to go there
are at all; it’ll use up our inheritance; I feel guilty. I am past caring
about money that may never come to us but she could use to improve
our lives now by paying to live elsewhere. What say you? Oh yes, PS,
I, who haven’t been sick three days since we married, have had a
series of week or two-week long flues and ailments in the past three
months. I know it is partially stress, but it has cut into my ability to
meet clients and earn our mortgage money.

Daughter in Law

 

Dear Daughter In Law:

Even the kindest, sweetest, most generous of soul and spirit addition
to a household can cause disruption and occasional aggravation. That’s
true when both partners are on board with what’s required for the
daily care and nurturing of an elderly parent. The difficult situation you
are describing, albeit with the relieved joy of a rant to an anonymous
reader, does not seem healthy or sustainable. It’s unlikely to prove a
peaceful and relaxing trip with the Sword of Damocles hanging over
your head about whether or not she returns.

 
When you communicate to her about any or all of this, be sure to
preface every other sentence with Your Doctor Says,…. as the reason
why she is going to assisted living. Be sure the staff reiterates that
medical necessity and her quality of health is the most important
variable that everyone is watching. The question of her return home
should be something that is discussed only in terms of her health and
no guarantees should be made that both you and your husband cannot
agree on.

 
The two of you will need to find a same page to be on. In this
circumstance, one of you is inevitably going to feel like a loser. The
only way of dealing with that is in some mediated forum, like a
counselor, where you can both speak your piece and feel heard. If she
does return to the home, you must be guaranteed time out periods,
perhaps even evenings or weekend time when you visit or even stay
with friends. Even if he uses some of his mother’s money to hire in-
home care, that will help your husband confront the truer impacts of
caring for her, something it sounds like he has avoided. If I were
voting I’d side with you, but I haven’t heard his version.
“For better or worse” sounds like it’s been bad for both and worse for
you, so in my book you have the right to ask for relief, both temporary
and long term. Either that or buy her or you a personality transplant.
And let me know where you found it so I can spread the word.

Dilemma of Riches

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a month into a new relationship. We are both of age and well-off.
Neither cares about marriage again, but we have lots of interests in
common including travel. We are just getting used to and learning
each other’s likes and dislikes. Our tastes in movies and books are
quite similar, but in food very different. He is a bigger guy than I have
been with before, but I don’t mind. I am a little zaftzig and trying to
reduce before surgery. I don’t want to go fanatic on him about calories
or carbs. I don’t even care if he decides to lose weight. But I care a lot
about not having to choose between a potentially very good
relationship with him and a healthy relationship with my own body. Do
you have any wisdom to navigate the next several months?

Dilemma of Riches

 
Dear Dilemma:

The reasons we eat and overeat are many and varied. As one of my
very zafzig friends once said to me: I genuinely LIKE food. Assuming
you are an adult about what you like and what you need to do for your
body, create a generalized set of rules to address your pre-surgical
needs. Try to set limits of calories or carbs that are at least a little
elastic within a given week. That might be an allowance for eating
meals out or a one-day- a-week of not counting, as well as giving
yourself some special occasion passes for weddings or other big
events. What I have learned the very hard way is that any plan that is
pure black/white yes/no day in/out is almost certainly doomed to
failure. You’re going to have to learn to trust yourself and to be able to
say both Yes and No as necessary.

 
Once you know what you’re doing, take your new honey out for dinner
to discuss it. Be very clear about saying, I do not want my food habits
to harm this emerging us. I want you to decide what works for you
and I am not making any judgments about what you decide to do or
not. But I want you to know what I am going to try, in the hope that
when we are together, you will be more supportive rather than
tempting me to go off program. I promise to make it up to you in
kisses, if that’s any motivation. My guess is that your honey will say
yes and you will both reap the benefits.

Three, and Counting?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m on marriage number three. Number one was short and unpleasant.
He was an abusive jerk, and while I could put up with the demeaning
language, when he started hitting it was over, pronto. Number two
was a wonderful happy year until he got brain cancer. I have a lovely
son and many great memories, but also a decade of caretaking that
left me exhausted. I met number three on the internet and the first
five years were great. Lots of travel, volunteer work, and busying
ourselves with creative projects (him woodworking, me fabric arts and
local food movement). David has slowly been going blind, and is now
legally so, though he can still work with tools without losing any
fingers. He expects me to drive him everywhere, from his adjunct
teaching position to various medical appointments. I have a full life of
my own, and while I don’t mind helping, I do not want to be on call
24/7. There is a ride service for disabled folks in our town, but it
requires 24 hours notice and he is most definitely not a planner. He
usually gives me an hour heads up. Last night we had a huge blowup
when he refused to ok using household money to a small venture I am
starting, saying “It’s just going to fail.” I lost it, and told him I was
hurt and needed a life beyond being his chauffeur. His answer, “Well
you did it for [number two]!” I’m so steamed I cannot see straight. Are
we even on the same planet?

Three, and Counting?

 
Dear And Counting:

You are not only on the same planet but also in the same house. I am
sure he is frightened with the changes and dependency imposed by his
disability. But that doesn’t, and shouldn’t, make you his psychological
punching bag.

 
My biggest advice is to immediately identify and interview marriage
counselors. The communication issues are big enough that a facilitator
would be useful. But the underlying structural shift in the relationship
imposed by his inability to get around is a big factor. As for driving
him, explain you have your own set of commitments and goals, and
that you also need 24 hours notice. Tell him you will meet with him
once a week, say Sunday supper, to identify specific commitments like
medical appointments and teaching times that you will drive him to,
and also schedule household errands around. But other than those
specific times, your time is your own to devote to creativity and
income-generation.

 
The money question is bigger than I can tackle with little into. But
most households do best with a yours/mine/ours approach, that’s
based on paying necessities first and then seeing what’s left for the
discretionary categories. Don’t start counseling with subjects like sex
or money. Learn to talk first.

Too Much Hubby

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband is driving me nuts. I’m a teacher who just finished term
and is facing a shortened summer. He’s about to retire. I am happy
enough puttering in the garden for part of the day to get some alone
time, but he is ALWAYS HOME!! His idea of doing something on his
own is to go for a bike ride. But a 65-year old guy with a bad back can
only be gone for so long. How can I get him interested in involved in
volunteering, taking classes, or doing anything that gets him out from
underfoot. It will matter in summer, but even more so during the
school year, because I have a four-day teaching schedule and many
Fridays off. I’m afraid I will kill him if he is home on a Friday.

Too Much Hubby

 
Dear Too Much Hubby:

Getting alone time in a marriage or any live-in relationship is hard.
Many of us have activities we go out of the house to do with others,
but that’s not the same as sitting in a chair or chaise with a good
book, unplugging the phones, and knowing the only thing that might
interrupt us is a pet looking for a treat. Your husband is probably a
little afraid of all the times on his hands as well, and you are probably
somewhat of a security blanket.

 
The bad back suggests that taking yoga or joining a gym is a great
place to start. As for volunteering, sit down with a list of all the non-
profits in your area and talk about which ones interest him. Perhaps he
has always had a secret yen to learn something; find him a class.
Suggest that he tackle the list of honey-do projects that every
household has. He will still be at home, but then your together time
can be more playful. You are going to have to be more patient than
you feel this summer, but by autumn you should have established a
routine that gets you quiet Fridays and evenings.

Delight-full

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in a wonderful new….that’s the problem, what to call it. To one
another we say boyfriend/girlfriend or lover. But neither of us is
looking for a new love of my life, weak in the knees, get married and
live together forever happily ever after person. We are happy for the
companionship and delirious with the smooching. Both of us had been
single for a long time, and ironically we are better in the bedroom than
we are, say, chatting over dinner. We are both Jewish, both in our
sixties, and both intelligent, educated, charming, witty people with
similar political values. Neither wants to give up our home or
independence. So what do I say when various people come up to me
all wide-eyed and gushing, saying “I’m so happy you’re in love.”
Apparently “I’m not, but I’m having lots of great sex.” Is considered
over-sharing.

Delight-full

 
Dear Delight-full:

Mazel tov! Everyone deserves to have her fancies tickled and to be as
happy, and as simultaneously grounded and mature, as you sound.
The truth is that it’s nobody’s business but yours what the depth of
your emotional connection is. People make inaccurate assumptions all
the time, of far more damaging types, about other people’s lives and
happiness. At least if they are gossiping about you now, they are
saying good wrong things, not bad ones.

 
People enjoy their own sensuality but often recoil at hearing about
others’. Among some generations, the idea of seniors being sexually
active is incomprehensible. And in others it might evoke shame or
envy. So rather than your explicitly cheeky comeback, how about
putting on a Mona Lisa smile and saying, perhaps in a faux sultry
voice, It’s not love, but it’s making me very happy! I’ll let you know if
it gets more serious, but until then just look for my happy face! If it
stays good you can see if it gets deeper or more serious, and decide
what you want to tell people when you are ready for them to know
more. If it falls apart or settles down, at least you’ll have had a healthy
lot of fun. But no one except you and your honey should have a vote
in that.

Too Much Hubby

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband finally agreed to go to couples counseling, a month before
retirement, so we had only the three visits covered by his Employee
Assistance Program in which to discuss the imminent changes that will
make his upcoming retirement tolerable. These have to do with
communication, scheduling, alone time, expectations about when I will
and will not be available, and a host of issues that have plagued the
marriage for years, not soon to be exacerbated to what I fear may be
an unbearable degree. I love the guy, but living with him is hell. The
counselor, who was great, gave us a list of homework assignments
that focused on how to talk to one another, how to make plans, and
what to do if we felt like hitting one another with a frying pan. It is all
coming unraveled. What can we do?

Too Much Hubby

 
Dear Too Much Hubby:

Go back to counseling. It is not magic. And any marriage that has
been plagued with problems for yours but still endured is worth the
investment of time and money that will be required. Virtually every
counselor will accept private pay clients, if the post-EAP cost is not
covered by your medical insurance. If you like the person, and if the
issues are just beginning to be addressed, you are far better off
sticking with it than letting them slide and then having to start over
again.

 
Talk to the counselor by phone if possible, or take part of a session to
lay out an affordable three-to- six month plan. That should identify not
only the timing of schedules but get both of you to agree to sick to
agreements made in sessions, at least until the next session. Make
changes one step at a time, and give yourself two weeks to let them
become habit, to help each other to stay committed to the newly
inspired marriage. Change could become a fun new addition to your
life.

Trimming

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in a wonderful new relationship. It has been three months and I
don’t think I could be happier. He is sweet, funny, charming,
intelligent, and kind. We share similar values, hobbies, and politics. So
far my friends all like him, though his are far away (he just moved
here). The problem is that I have very strict orders from my doctor to
lose twenty pounds before an impending knee surgery this winter. I
am working with a dietician and changing how I eat. My new beau is a
foodie and we go to great restaurants. I am pretty good about what I
order for a main course, but he is always suggesting that we have
drinks, bread, appetizers, and desserts, and acts hurt when I demur or
don’t show the same enthusiasm about them. He is a big guy and
could lose some weight himself, but that’s between him and his
body/doc. I just need to stay on my program. How can I explain this
without ruining what could be a great thing?

Trimming

 
Dear Trimming:

Virtually every new relationship looks great in the first three months,
even six if you are lucky. Then the true issues begin to emerge. That’s
not to say they are fatal, just that they need to be addressed, and the
more difficult issue of how you communicate when things are less rosy
can quickly become the focus of how you relate, not just the kissing
and hugging and being happy.
You can start by reminding him when he wants you to order more than
you want to eat that you are trying very hard to follow your doctor’s
orders. You can try to allocate your calories/carbs/etc to allow a little
extra splurge for the times when you two are out, but he should be
willing to hear a No thanks when you order the same way you have
the right to respond Not tonight, dear. You get to decide what to do
with your body, and you should not be pressured (actively or
passively) into doing something else. There are legitimate health
reasons for your decisions, and if he is a keeper for the long run, he
will respect and support them. If not, you will have had a delightful
interlude, and have new criteria to add to your list when you start your
next relationship. I hope he is a mensch, and can be supportive and
encouraging, or at least not subversive to your efforts to get healthy.
Because if he’s not helping now, he probably won’t be a reliable person
post-surgery. Speak simply and clearly, and be consistent in your
behavior. Then hope he steps up. If not, think about new boundaries
for the relationship.

Small World

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have two friends that I’ve known for a long time, though far better in
the past decade when we have all been single. We are social for
movies and theatre in dyads, but do birthday brunches with a fourth
friend who is in a long-term relationship. It’s a very small community
of Jewish lesbians, and everyone knows everyone else’s business, was
once with someone that everyone else knows, has heard about every
detail of your personal life (accurately or not), and is incestuous (not
in the literal sexual sense) but with the clannishness of any college
town with a community of migrants from NYC etc. The fourth woman,
Marsha, is not Jewish and has a wider social circle.

 

Complicated social engineering made simple:
Marsha is friends with Jane who converted to Judaism because she was
in a long-term relationship with Sarah, who left her for Ellen, but they split
up and Sarah just moved here. Jane and Marsha agreed I was the most likely
fit with Sarah and connected us and indeed it looks like it will indeed be fun
to get to know her better. But now the other two friends are angry with Marsha
for not picking them, and with me for being less available. To make it
worse my birthday is in May and I don’t want to be social with people
who are angry with me.

Small World

 
Dear Small World:

Friendship among singles and dating in a small pool of people is a
strangely collaborative and competitive world. You want your friends
to be there for you when you have great news to share and also to
help pick you up when romance falters, as too often it does. What’s
most important is to communicate well with your friends, and to do so
with such a sense of happiness and optimism that they would have to
be real grinches to fail to be joyous for you.

 
Go ahead and make your birthday brunch plans. Be sure to talk about
your new romance only part of the time, and try to avoid any air of
relief about no longer being single. Be sure to ask about what’s going
on in each of your friends’ lives and to display the same enthusiasm
for their joys that you would like them to show for yours. Do not,
repeat NOT, invite the new girlfriend to join the foursome “so that
people can get to know her.” Also, be clear for yourself that if she is
new to town she will likely want to make other new friends and
perhaps to date people other than you (including possibly your friends
or your own ex’s). Unless you say you’re exclusive, you’re just at the
front of the line.