Category Archives: Love & Relationships

Small World

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have two friends that I’ve known for a long time, though far better in
the past decade when we have all been single. We are social for
movies and theatre in dyads, but do birthday brunches with a fourth
friend who is in a long-term relationship. It’s a very small community
of Jewish lesbians, and everyone knows everyone else’s business, was
once with someone that everyone else knows, has heard about every
detail of your personal life (accurately or not), and is incestuous (not
in the literal sexual sense) but with the clannishness of any college
town with a community of migrants from NYC etc. The fourth woman,
Marsha, is not Jewish and has a wider social circle.

 

Complicated social engineering made simple:
Marsha is friends with Jane who converted to Judaism because she was
in a long-term relationship with Sarah, who left her for Ellen, but they split
up and Sarah just moved here. Jane and Marsha agreed I was the most likely
fit with Sarah and connected us and indeed it looks like it will indeed be fun
to get to know her better. But now the other two friends are angry with Marsha
for not picking them, and with me for being less available. To make it
worse my birthday is in May and I don’t want to be social with people
who are angry with me.

Small World

 
Dear Small World:

Friendship among singles and dating in a small pool of people is a
strangely collaborative and competitive world. You want your friends
to be there for you when you have great news to share and also to
help pick you up when romance falters, as too often it does. What’s
most important is to communicate well with your friends, and to do so
with such a sense of happiness and optimism that they would have to
be real grinches to fail to be joyous for you.

 
Go ahead and make your birthday brunch plans. Be sure to talk about
your new romance only part of the time, and try to avoid any air of
relief about no longer being single. Be sure to ask about what’s going
on in each of your friends’ lives and to display the same enthusiasm
for their joys that you would like them to show for yours. Do not,
repeat NOT, invite the new girlfriend to join the foursome “so that
people can get to know her.” Also, be clear for yourself that if she is
new to town she will likely want to make other new friends and
perhaps to date people other than you (including possibly your friends
or your own ex’s). Unless you say you’re exclusive, you’re just at the
front of the line.

Ready

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’d given up on dating. I’ve been single for three years and had done
various internet dating sites, on and off, for much of the last two. I
knew enough to recover from my last serious relationship (six years,
but never married) before I did. Maybe I’m just an odd mix of serious
and whimsical. But the people I was meeting were either boring,
negative, overly ambitious, and cynical, or didn’t have enough money
to buy a latte, let alone a house. Physicality isn’t my primary criteria,
but I certainly want to be with someone who thinks I’m attractive and
with whom there’s a spark. I just met the most interesting guy. He’s
funny, smart, professional, owns a house, and seems to have a really
good heart. Most importantly, I feel very much and easily me when we
are together. It’s only been a month, and, while I am not “in love” I
am very strongly “in like.” Here’s the rub: my friends who don’t want
to “see me get your hopes up and get hurt” are telling me to slow
down, date other people too, and put on the brakes instead of smiling
about what a great kisser he is. You get a vote too.

Ready

 
Dear Ready:

Sparks and mutual attractions are hard to come by, especially in
combination with really good hearts. Whenever you find such a combo,
unless of course one or both of you are already in a committed
relationship, you should explore it. Kissing is a lovely way to do so. So
is creating a range of shared experiences, from seeing movies and
shows to long dinners sharing your lives and values. What it takes to
build a solid foundation for a good relationship is more than kissing,
but it’s hard to sustain one unless you have that draw towards
intimacy lasting a long time.

 
Ask your friends to be happy for you. Tell them what’s on your “list” of
important criteria not only in a potential mate, but also in your own
behavior and lifestyle. Ask them not to operate from fear, but to help
keep you aware of any area you might start compromising. Enjoy the
sheer pleasure of something new, but don’t lose yourself along the
way. See if like becomes love.

Second Fiddle

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband is a welder. In good times he is very fully employed. In
bad ones it can be a week at a time, and during the Great Recession
his company laid off and re-hired him more often than I can count.
Now things are improving and he is back in the workforce, but they
have (for the second time) posted him two hours away. He lives on
site with a bunch of the other guys during the week and comes home
weekends. After thirty years of marriage we both sort of enjoy the
time apart and then reconnecting. But I think he misses our dog Molly
more than he misses me. He jokes about the other guys talking more
about their dogs than their wives but I think he’s telling me
something. Should I feel hurt?

Second Fiddle

 
Dear Second Fiddle:

No you should not. Any marriage that has lasted thirty years with ups
and downs financially isn’t gong anywhere. But since your husband is,
there’s a chance for him to do some good while he is away. He and the
guys he works with should go visit the local animal shelter. They may
be able op arrange some kind of foster program for dogs that are in
the shelter. It would be a chance for some poor pooch or two to get
out of a kennel and into a home for a while. The guys could re socialize
the animal and rejoice in the loving affection of a dog rescued from
confinement or worse.

In the best-case scenario, someone falls in love and adopts the
foundling. In the worst, the dog returns to the shelter better for the
love, attention, walks and general camaraderie. I’m betting on
scenario number one.

Lucky Lady

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband loves fixing things. Whether its putting a grab bar in the
shower or cleaning the gutters he is always puttering around fixing
things. He is also a little cheap, so hates it when I suggest hiring
anyone to do anything for the house, even mowing the lawn. The
garden is my domain and I get to decide if I need help. But if it
requires any tool beyond clippers and a hose, he gets to weigh in. H
just had a very minor heart attack. I know this is a great wake up call
for us both about what we eat and how we exercise. But it also made
me realize how completely dependant I have become upon him for
even the smallest thing. If the lights went out, I don’t think I’ve even
had to find the fuse box in this house. How can I get him to educate
me without making him feel any weaker and less of man than he is
feeling now?

Lucky Lady

 
Dear Lucky Lady:

Rather than making him feel useless, I hope my idea empowers him.
He’s going to have to spend some of his time recuperating by sitting
more and doing less. What could be more useful than having him
convert some of the knowledge in his head into a House Handbook for
you? You can frame it as a gift, as a knowledge transfer, or as a to do
list for him when he is more active. But have him go room by room
through the house, either mentally and writing it in a file on the
computer, or by walking around talking to you while you take notes
(that he can later review and edit). In each room, and outside, have
him identify regular chores: e.g., clean sink trap, change filter, replace
ant traps, order supplies, check levels, etc. Tell him that for anything
he identifies that needs to be done to also specify how often and any
tips and tricks that make the task more likely to be successful. Those
can be anything from time of day to time of year. Imagine you were
writing the same regarding, say, care of a rose bush. Get him to share
his knowledge with that level of specificity.

 
Take what he does and convert it into a three ring binder, with each
room on its own page. Then take the same info and cross reference it
with a calendar, so that next January 1 you would be able to fully
complete an annual care cycle for your domain. Set some times to
review this with your husband regularly. Do this in each room at least
once, not just sitting in the kitchen nodding as he speaks. At least
once a year, update the binder. Keep a list of folks to call (e.g.
plumber, electrician) and numbers you might need in a crisis (e.g city
public works, your insurance agent). Also add in copies of warrantees,
service contracts, and dates that you purchased everything from your
frig to your hot water heater. Think like a Boy Scout and Be Prepared.

Excited But Cautious

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Help!!!!! I met someone and I don’t know what to do. I’m a
68-year- old woman. I have been divorced twice and lived
alone for ten years. Frankly, I’d given up on the idea of ever
meeting anyone I’d want to date regularly, let alone
contemplating something emotionally more powerful. A few
years ago I went (for the first time, after hearing “success
stories”) on the Internet dating sites. But I saw no one and
retreated with my tail between my legs. For whatever
reason after the holidays I decided to sign on again. Last
week, out of nowhere, I got a knock knock hello from
someone who seems to really get who I am. We’ve
exchanged at least fifty emails in the last week and have a
date to meet for lunch, and maybe a movie or a walk on
Saturday. The list of topics that we have touched on ranges
from all the obvious like family, romantic history, and
professional life to spirituality, travel, creativity, books,
movies, health and exercise, and love of the arts. Clearly
there’s a lot going on but I’m so un-used to this I don’t know
what to do.

Excited But Cautious

 
Dear Excited:

This is a wonderful time of year and of life to meet someone.
Congratulations!! I’m going to devote a lot of energy to the
do’s as well as the don’ts because both are important. I
want to validate both your excitement and your caution. It’s
fun to fall in love, but I’m betting you didn’t get to your age
and wisdom, or your divorce history, without making some
mistake along the way. Remembering those will be part of
the exercise.

 
Start with safety tips. Have your first meeting in a public
place. Pick a restaurant you like at a time that will allow you
to linger if you want to. Be sure to tell a friend everything
you know now about this person, from email address to a
picture, and where and when you are meeting. Ask that
friend to call you thirty minutes in with an excuse that would
allow you to leave if you need to flee. Most such meetings
end up being fine, where that can be a so-so one-and- done
to a great first date that leads to more. But the occasional
few are occasions from which you might need a rescue. So
even if you blush and stammer while saying, My friend
needs me. I’m so sorry. Here’s my share of the bill. While
you flee, know you have an out.

 
Most single people have been building a list of what they do
and do not want in their next partner for a very long time:
qualities that Mr. or Ms. Unknown will have as basic part of
their core DNA, lifestyle, and character. The pretty much
standard ones (in an order reflecting any given moment) are
integrity, sensuality, intelligence, spirituality, good
communications, financial stability, and senses of humor,
honor, curiosity, and common sense. A friend one told me
one of hers was “forthright,” which I interpret in part as an
absence of passive aggressive or whiny tendencies. The
ability to disagree and not hold a grudge or desire to prove
one’s point. My own summary is Someone who appreciates
my best qualities and tolerates my worst ones with patience
and humor. (And hopefully agree on which is which.)

 
Take the time now, before Saturday, to very clearly identify
for yourself the deal breakers. For example someone who
wants to move in this month and put a straw in your 401(k),
or who expects you to sign over the lease to your house.
Beep beep alert!! Also remind yourself of the good qualities
you saw in your exes, before they became same. Someone
who likes to do the same kinds of things as you and whose
speed of life is consistent with yours is a good basis for
dating. Most importantly, make sure this new person
respects the life that you have built over the last ten years
and will not encourage you to abandon it or your core group
of friends. Sometime, if you do not already know them,
google traits of abusers and if you see warning signalsmove
quickly away.

 
As you feel comfortable, introduce this person to your best
friends. Think a series of dinner dates, not one big party that
might feel like a group interview. I’m sure you’re going to
talk about this new excitement, but one by one let them
have a crack at him or her. Listen carefully to their
feedback. They’re bound to be protective of you, because
they’ll have to catch you if you fall. But they’re also not deaf
dumb and blind to your happiness and needs. I hope this is
nothing but naches for you, and that even with your eyes
open you can allow yourself to enjoy the process of
discovering and exploring someone as they are discovering
and exploring you.

No Trump

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What do I do about a person I met online? I recently discovered online
bridge, an incredible community of people. At any hour of the day or
night there are 10,000 tables going. A woman whom I met asking to
be taken to any open seat complemented my playing. We did well, had
compatible styles and values of fun and fast play, so we began playing
regularly. I liked her enough to give her my cell number, so we have
been able to text to set up games. We also see when the other logs on
because we are ”friends.” Appreciate she is my replacement for my
best friend and partner of many years who died of breast cancer six
months ago. The new woman, call her Barb, was great in the
beginning but the last few weeks she’s been slow on the uptake and I
have had to prompt her with a “P?” when it is her turn to bid or lead.
This now happens a handful of times in an hour of playing. We tell
people we are fast and friendly but lately in addition to lapsing out she
has made bids that have both opponents and me scratching our heads
and generally seems out of it. What should I do?

No Trump
Dear No Trump:

Online friendships are different than in-person ones, but in both cases
there are real people on the other side of the relationship. I suspect
you could change some settings on your computer and cell phone and
she might think you had vanished of the face of the earth. That’s
cowardly and rude. Instead of disappearing into the mists of
cyberspace, be the kind of friend you probably were to your former
partner. Even if there is a medical reason for her lapses, you’re
unlikely to cook her chicken soup or drive her to chemo appointments
the way you would a close friend. But simple courtesy suggests that
you treat her like a real person with real feelings not some imaginary
robot.

 
Send her a simple text that says, Are you okay? The last few weeks
you have seemed slower and distracted than when we met. I am
uncomfortable telling opponents we are fast and then not playing that
way. I also feel weird prompting you. Please tell me if there’s
something that explains it or how we can get back on track. Wait for a
while before you reply. If it’s temporary accept the inevitable apology.
If it persists, tell her you want to diversify your partner base. The
cyber world has both limitations and advantages. Distance is a double-
edged sword.

In the Middle

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m trying to figure out how to deal with the very flirtatious husband of
a casual friend. When we first met I liked both of them. Over time I got to
know her as an occasional happy hour buddy and once helped her with
a resume rewrite and job search. I think their marriage is tumultuous
but they both seem to enjoy the drama and big mood swings. (Ugh
not me.) I see him because we exercise at the same spin class. He’s
always been flirtatious in a very funny verbal way. Complimenting me
and making sexy jokes but totally hands off. I have never felt there is
more in it than the kind of playful teasing the way it would be as if we
used to date and broke up amicably. She’s never seemed to mind, and
he has acted no differently in her company than when I see him in
class. Now I’m worried, because there are serious pressures and
issues in their lives and their relationship. He’s trying to look towards
me as an alternative source of comfort. I suspect he only wants to
talk, but there is a different feeling about it. I’ve been pretty clear it
won’t be sexual and also that I don’t want to have to choose between
them as friends. What should I do?

In the Middle

 
Dear Middle:

You need to be very clear with him. Clear. Clear. Clear. As in: I’ve
been fine with your playful banter, but it feels like you need someone
to talk to in a serious way. That’s not me. I like both you and your wife
as friends, but I am utterly unequipped to be a marriage counselor for
either you or the two of you. Do yourself and your relationship a favor
and find a professional in this time of need. If you don’t your life could
spiral down in a bad way. Then shut up.

 
With any luck he’ll understand what you are saying. If not, then
change your schedule and minimize your contact. Get the happy hour
girls together after telling the others what you have done. Then talk
about your great new exercise class and hope his wife talks about their
great new marriage counselor.

Confused

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been widowed for seven years. You can imagine the number of
well-meaning friends who tried to set me up long before I was finished
grieving my beloved wife of twenty-seven years. Recently, after trying
a fix-up or two with the last remaining single women in this social
circle, I went on the Internet to a nice Jewish dating site. I emailed
back and forth with various women. They were nice but boring and not
nearly as active or interested in travel as I am. Then I met someone I
genuinely like. She’s a year older than I am but she her profile was
great, and when we met for dinner the conversation and stories flowed
like wine. She is funny, articulate, smart, and seemed like just the
independent soul I would like to explore the world with.

 

Here’s the hitch: On our third date she told me of her youngest child
(no mention before this), who had severe brain damage at birth (now
mentally about six though almost forty) and needs 24/7 care, provided
primarily by my date, though occasionally by other relatives or paid
caretakers. She made a point of telling me that she has travelled with
this daughter in various countries, how “independent” she is, and that
it has never been a problem. Maybe not for her! Am I a churlish SOB
for not wanting to take this on as part of my retirement? Of the “many
fish in the sea” this is the nicest catch yet. But I can feel a hook my
cheek as well.

Confused

 
Dear Confused:

Everyone has a different life path that they walk. This woman has
clearly not buckled under a burden that other people might find
crippling. That is to her credit. Though I might understand why she
might be gun-shy about not mentioning this daughter until her third
date, it also speaks to a selective honesty and a different way of
looking that the world that you are right to be cautious about.
I’d reply with a simple email, after waiting a few days. In it ask her
very simply whether she assumes that you would be travelling with
her daughter if the two of you get into a deeper friendship or a
romantic relationship. That’s really the only question. Because if she
says No, you will still need to face the issue if you proceed. And if she
says Yes, you can face it now. I see it as a choice for you, not a
judgment about your character if you decline to take on an adult
disabled child. Other people might. You do not have to be one of them.

Not For Me!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For years I worked with a guy and we became close friends, listening
to one another’s personal grief and supporting one another during
work stress. We know the ins and outs of each others psyches, and
what each other wants out of life, in his case a divorce and in mine a
new relationship, preferably one as seemingly great as his now six-
month old one. He invited me to a “very small Halloween party, come
in costume, and be prepared to drink some spicy brew!” So I did.
There were six of us there, a couple we both know, he and his
wonderful new sweetie, and someone he “wanted you to meet.” who
turns out to be a new hire at my old firm. The music and games were
all spooky scary get you to jump into one another’s arms, including a
visit to a haunted house followed by more shenanigans in their spooky
backyard. The fix-up was all grabbing hands and clutching. I made my
excuses early and avoided as much as I could. What do I say now?

Not For Me!!

 
Dear Not For Me:

You say Thanks, but No Thanks. It’s important to acknowledge that
your friend tried to give you what he thought was missing from your
life, what you may have asked for during your kvetching and bonding
sessions. But clearly his idea of how to fix what ails you and yours are
very very different. There are some people for whom a drunken hook-
up is a respite from loneliness. But for most folks of a given age, that
kind of behavior went out the window decades ago. What most people
want in courting behavior is not grabby hands and clutching. It is
being admired and appreciated, romanced, and pursued.

 
Sit down with your friend and ask what makes his new relationship
good and exciting. Encourage him to talk, even if it makes you a little
envious or sad. You need to balance those feelings against your future,
and they’ll help you know where to set the bar for dating. Ask him to
go back to the beginning and say what attracted him to his new
partner, and how they built what you think could be a very strong and
promising relationship. Listen. And then say, That’s my hope for
myself as well. I am happy to meet people you think are solid
possibles. But please don’t mistake my desire for relationship as
anything but that. If it’s not good enough for you, assume I won’t
want to play. Good on you for setting the bar where you want it to be
in your life. Don’t sell yourself short or cheaply.

Roped In

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My question is pretty simple: Is it okay to try and date someone whom
you know is already in a relationship? I recently went to a Halloween
party. I know that Halloween is a time when people are not showing
their real selves, as in their I-am- an-accountant- M/F-9/5, but instead
dress up in some kind of alter ego version of who they might be in a
different or fantasy life. Many of the people at this party had elaborate
rented costumes. I went for the Middle-eastern mystery man in black
with a very elaborate facemask, the kind that left only my eyes
exposed. That allowed me to cruise a party where I knew very few
people without feeling like I had to interact in any particular way. I
saw a woman I was very attracted to, but it was clear from the
costume that she and her date were wearing that they were coupled
(think 50 shades of Halloween). But I have a very strong desire to ask
her out. What’s in or out of bounds?

Roped In

 
Dear Roped In:

Assuming you didn’t wander off the street, ask the person who invited
you to the party if s/he knows anything about the woman in question
and her relationship. Short of a ring on her finger or a definitive I’m in
a monogamous relationship and not looking to date other people, I
think you are in all’s fair in love territory. Unless you learn that an
engagement is imminent, do your best to acquire her phone number
and email. If this case I would opt for a soft approach, an email that
starts out I’m the mystery man in black from ____’s Halloween party.
It’s rare for me to approach someone who’s clearly in a relationship,
but I was very drawn to you. Would you consider having dinner with
me sometime? We can be spontaneous or plan ahead. Assume this
invitation is good for a while, though I would hope you would accept
soon.

 
Very few of us are immune to flattery. And a dinner invitation is not
officially a “date” though clearly that’s what you are implying, even
while acknowledging the relationship. Most women will at least file you
in their “options” file; some will accept your invitation, if only to
compare you to their current beau. If she says Yes, hooray. If she
doesn’t answer you will have to decide among dialing, resending the
email, or asking your mutual friend to place a delicate probe. You
could start there and ask about the history and health of the
relationship. If you do and get warned off from doing anything, you
can hide behind It’s too late. But in the meantime, date some single
people. There’s plenty to go around and those who will cheat on their
current beau are also more likely to cheat on you. Stick with folks who
have been single for a while.

Gates Up

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been single ten years. I had a relationship that most people knew
about, though we mutually decided we were better as friends than
romantic partners. I also had an affair that almost no one knew about,
for complicated reasons, but my privacy was paramount among them.
It’s now over. I’ve mourned and I’m ready to look seriously for
someone new. I have a friend whom I see socially for theatre. We go
to the local indie theatre group after a good meal. She often spends
most of dinner interrogating me about my social life. I think she got wind
of my second relationship, that I had never discussed with her, though
I’m not sure how. Her questions are pointed and almost invasively
intimate. I like her other than this, but want to compromise neither
my privacy nor integrity. How shall I answer?

Gates Up

 
Dear Gates Up:

You should answer sincerely and clearly: You know, [hername], I’ve
decided that in the spirit of l’shon hara, I’m going to stop gossiping
about myself. I’ve been single long enough to realize how hard it is to
find someone I’d want to be in relationship with. I don’t want to put a
jinx on the possibilities before they have a chance to manifest. I
promise that if I get serious with anyone, I’ll be sure to tell you. I’ll
even ask if there’s a friend in the wings who might be interested in
you. But until I volunteer something on that topic, let’s talk about
other things, like work, kids, culture, and world peace.
You can expect that she’ll get a little huffy and try to test your
boundaries. But smile, deflect, and stick to your guns. If you do get
into a relationship, there’ll be plenty of time for exultation and sharing,
as much or little as you please.

Trying Love Again

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I had a fight with my best friend. It was over something stupid,
ironically, me defending my ex, about whom I had very little good to
say after the first two years of our marriage, mostly to my friend. I
just started dating someone new, and my friend started with
comparisons, in part to make the point that I was about to repeat
some of the most painful and expensive parts of my past relationship.
To her credit, she’s trying to save me from falling to the same abyss of
supporting someone with a strong sense of entitlement and a
minimalist sense of responsibility. But I don’t want to be treated like
a child or have my newfound happiness invalidated.

Trying Love Again

 
Dear Trying:

Any friend who has suffered the litanies of complaints that most of
us impose on our intimate circle before a break-up has earned some
chits. Often we are too close to a situation—especially in a new
romantic entanglement—to hear what we are saying. Our friends, who
serve as memory repositories for all the mistakes of our lives we hope
not to repeat, are the perfect people to hold up a mirror for us and
say, Remember what you said you’d never do again?

 
That said, you’re entitled to enjoy happiness before reality sets in. If
you are truly acting like an adult, you will be communicating to your
new love the dealmakers and deal breakers of your romantic life.
Kissing and cuddling is fine. But if you don’t respect the person you
wake up with, either because you need to financially support them
from day one or because they are disrespectful of whom you are as a
person, you are better off cutting your losses sooner than later. Call
your friend to say, I’m ready to talk. Then take some time together to
really listen, followed by some journaling about what mistakes you set
an intention not to repeat. If you find your new relationship getting to
close to those lines, start some straight talk with the new love, and
make clear what will end the relationship. I hope you are more right
than your friend.

Out of Shape

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m 62 and I need dating advice. I have been single for almost ten
years, not for lack of trying. I just don’t seem to meet anyone who
interests me and I think is attractive who feels the same about me. I
just met a potentially lovely person through new mutual friends. They
moved here and had a big housewarming party; many of their friends
from two hours away attended. One was Sarah, whom the wife of the
couple had confided previously, was single and looking. We had a very
brief conversation (tea not coffee) but she didn’t give me any negative
signals. I am going to her hometown for a birthday party very soon.
Should I: Call the mutual friends and see if she said anything about
meeting me? Ask them for her phone number? Look up her number
online? Find her email from the invitation list? Call or write? Ask her
for a date? For tea? And what tone should I take?

Out of Shape

 
Dear Out of Shape:

You sound more like a nervous teenager than a senior citizen. But I
agree, dating doesn’t get any easier with time. I would vote against
putting the mutual friends in the middle. It sets up a bad dynamic
early in the potential; relationship. If you do end up going out, they
will find out soon enough. If you ask her out and she accepts, you can
happily tell them after the fact.

 
I vote for a simple email. Hopefully you can find hers without having to
ask. Try to write the way you’d talk, simply and accessibly: [Name] –
Nice to have met you. It would be great to continue our conversation
(or start a new one). Coincidentally, I&'m coming to [town] this
weekend for a friend&'s birthday party, and then visiting other friends.
Let me know if you&'d be up for a teahouse connect, and when would
work for you. I&'d enjoy it – hope you would too. You can find me on
email or phone #. Give her a few days to respond. If you don’t hear
back, do nothing else. The next time you see the mutual friends, tell
them casually that you tried to connect. If there’s a message back you
need to hear, they’ll tell you.

Bruised Ego

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I ended a long-term relationship two years ago, about the same time
that I met a new friend who moved in down the block. She was on the
tail end of bitter divorce and custody fight. I supported her emotionally
through all the trials and tribulations of that process, as well as
through the detritus of a poorly chosen and ill-timed liaison that
started and ended badly and loudly. I think she has had bad
relationship karma, but it looks like it is turning around. She is
currently being pursued by two eligibles, either of whom I would be
happy to have dial my number. Suddenly she is not available to do as
we have been doing, which is to spontaneously grab a dinner and/or
movie, and be one another’s go-to person for someone to hang out
with. Do I weather this storm or say something? I’m feeling a little
used.

Bruised Ego

 
Dear Bruised:

As an evolutionary biologist would tell you, we’re hard-wired to mate.
That should not be to the exclusion of friend relationships but often,
especially at the beginning of dating cycles, that’s exactly what
happens. In my youth someone coined the term ‘she fell in a well” to
describe the inevitable three-six month absence we would experience
when a friend of our larger social circle had a new beau. Depending on
the quality and duration of the relationship, your friend may come
back with her tail between her legs, after rejecting (or being rejected
by) either or both of the would-be suitors. But there’s no guarantee.
I’d counsel caution rather than bitterness. Leave her a voice-mail that
says, I miss you and would love to spend time catching up. I know
your dance card is fuller than it was, but I miss the quality time we’ve
had. If we can’t be spontaneous, perhaps we can plan something specific.
Then see how she responds. Who knows, if she does end up
in a happy new relationship, maybe her new someone will have a
buddy who might appreciate you. Then you could be double dating
rather than hoping you had a friend to sit around with complaining
about ex’s and the lack of available people to date.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m 31. I have been with the same guy since my junior year in high
school. We were separated for college and grad school, but lived
together ever since, in NYC, London, SanFran, and now Portland. The
only reason we ever got married was when we moved to England,
where our status affected so many things. I’m a psychologist; hubby is
a banker. His employer has paid for all our relocation and many other
benefits. But all the moving around has affected my career. I now
have impressive credentials, but I am also ready to start a counseling
practice and settle down in one place. We bought a lovely home for
cash (hubby is frugal and wise). He’s saying, it’s time to start a family.
OMG! We’d agreed since high school: no kids. I feel a lot of pressure
to put my professional life on hold again, though he claims he’s ready
to leave the world of banking and become a house husband, or work
part-time from home as a consultant. I feel like his decision came out
of nowhere and I have very little time to decide something that’ll affect
the rest of my life.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

 
Dear Tick Tock:

You are absolutely correct that having a baby is not a choice to be
made lightly, quickly, or to appease another person. If you are going
to parent, you need to be 100% on board, and enter the process with
an open mind and heart. Right now, you are not qualified to mommy,
though I suspect that would change if you actually had a child.
Fortunately, your clock is not ticking as quickly as you fear. Many
people have healthy babies in their thirties. You and hubby have more
than enough time to have long, deep, sincere, and honest
conversations about your respective careers, finances, and prospective
parenting roles. The one thing that is not negotiable is having or not
having a baby. It’s an either/or decision that you have to embrace
fully if you go ahead, and he has to forgive fully if you do not.

 

 

You’re the professional counselor. Do you believe in the process? This
sounds like a situation you two should engage in with one another,
and then get a clear-minded, objective third party to help you resolve.
The list of candidates should not include relatives of any stripe, who
are likely to have strong and biased opinions. I suggest you not
discuss this with any of them until you are clearer unless you want to
be campaigned by more folks than your husband.
PS. I know a rash of newborns and not one of the parents isn’t
beaming. But I also know many happy people without children. Take
your time.