Category Archives: Love & Relationships

Still Hurting and Hoping

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Several years ago I had an affair. It was deep emotional, torrid,
dramatic, and exciting. We’d known each other for a few years through
a volunteer group. I was single. He was married. Insert all the usual
platitudes about a wife who understood his “needs” but didn’t fulfill
them, and his assertion that he had her permission to fill them outside
the marriage, that she knew he did so, but they didn’t talk about it,
and that no one would get hurt. Wrong, wrong wrong!! I got hurt. I fell
madly in love with him. I still think the first year of our affair was the
best in my life. I felt free, desired, appreciated, adventuresome. All in
all, I felt seen. It petered out because health issues on my part left me
less available and slowly we returned to our former ability to be in a
room and not feel like we were on fire. But it still hurts. I miss the joy
of it and in the wee hours hope he’ll come back. Now one of my good
friends has confided that she is on the edge of a similar relationship
with a guy from her office. She needs someone to talk to, and wants
my advice. What do I say?

Still Hurting and Hoping

 
Dear Hurting:

You tell her the truth. Part of the reasons affairs are so exciting is
exactly the allure of the hidden and forbidden. It adds a layer of
mystery and excitement, one that is organic in new and true love, and
is intrinsic to the heightened intensity of an affair. You also tell her the
truth of the down slide, the months of sadness and hurting that you
experienced after the affair ended.

 
The reality is that once someone is besotted with lust, it is very
difficult to dissuade them that the pain they will experience later is
actually inevitable. Most people believe that their affair will be
different, that their prospective lover might actually transform into a
future mate, or that somehow they will escape the fate of most
mistresses: spending lots of time waiting for calls that don’t come and
visit that don’t happen. Most people who cheat on a partner do so in
spurts, and want a fresh, new stimulant each time. Your old lover isn’t
coming back, and hers will likely repeat the pattern. But you will have
a friend to talk to about it.

New At This

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a year out of a nasty divorce and ready to date. By finally I mean
post divorce trauma and also my first date ever. My ex and I were
high school sweethearts who were married for thirty years. I have
never had to ask out a stranger and I am really unsure what to do. I
like to go walk on the beach and in the woods, and it seems to me that
a perfect first date would be to do that, and then go grab some food.
It would give me and the date a chance to do a lot of talking, but not
in the intense way of speed dating. My friends have people they’re
ready to fix me up with. Do you have any tips for how to look like a
great catch, assuming I want to get caught?

New At This

 
Dear New At This:

When you make plans, be considerate of your date’s preference. Ask
about locale, distance that would be comfortable, time of day, weather
contingencies, and all the things that can make an outing into nature
more fun than disaster. Equip your car with a set of walking poles and
offer your date one. Put a couple pairs of warm dry socks and some
dry footwear in too, as well as a thermos or two of coffee/tea and
treats for before/after. Bring along some trail mix or energy bars, and
water bottles. Try to look like a considerate host rather than a
paranoid Boy Scout.

 
The hard part of first dates is learning a lot about a person without
sounding like The Grand Inquisitor. Ask leading questions about what
your date likes to do for fun, about food, music, movie, and book
preferences, and work life. Avoid asking about or complaining about
exes, physical ailments, financial crises, or other subjects that will
make either of you seem like a whiney deadbeat loser. Listen carefully
but without jumping to conclusions. Try for a mix of companionable
humor, intelligent conversation, and just enough cool mystery that
your date will want to see more of you. Then hope it’s mutual.

Time’s Up!!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was married for twenty-eight years. I had the same job for the last
twenty-four of those years. During that time my relationship declined
systematically. My wife blamed my job. I blamed her drinking and
addiction to pills. She was right that during that time I gave much too
much to the job. I gave up half my weekends and vacations whenever
there were unpredictable deadlines—read regularly. I had various
health problems that all boiled down to “stress.” I missed family
events and trips, and yes I tended to put the relationship in second
place behind the job. But I needed it to support us, including two
moves for jobs she thought would make her happier. (My employer
graciously let me telecommute long before such things were
commonplace.) We have been separated for two years but haven’t
made much progress towards a divorce. She moved out of state for a
job (leaving one that paid well and where she had lots of security).
I’ve been soldiering on doing my thing at work and trying to figure out
how to move from being separate to becoming exes. Now I am finally
ready to date and realize that I want more freedom from the job (No
more nights and weekends! I’ve had it!) and from her (No more
stalling! Let’s lawyer up and settle up!). The fact that I’ve met
someone who could be very special helps, but it’s more than that.

Time’s Up!!!

 
Dear Time’s Up!:

You convinced me!!
You don’t say what you do for a living, but I’m betting it is a
professional job with deadlines that are imposed on you by others,
usually without enough warning. That’s not to say everyone should
just roll over and have no boundaries between their personal and
professional lives. In fact, one should not. Life and death, yes. But
short of that, my diagnosis is that you’ve been a shlubb too long and I
applaud your desire to change.

 

 

Whether or not your marriage would have imploded with a different
job, no one will ever know. But you do have a choice to make about
how you want to live the rest of your working years. Say it with me:
Work is not life. Life is not work. If you want a recipe for starting anew
relationship off on the wrong foot, keep doing what you’ve been doing.
If you want to give it a fighting chance, go in and tell your boss, My
doctor says I need to change how I’m living or I’m going to die of
stress. The good news is that no one can give you the same kind of
hard time over a health issue that they can over dating. Your
communication to your soon-to- be-ex wife also should not involve your
social life. Instead, it should be, It’s time. Let’s do this. If the new
girlfriend sticks with you through the transitions, you’ll have found
someone worth investing in.

Horrified

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was married for ten years and a mother for nine of them. I have an
MBA. My soon-to- be-my- ex-I- hop-please- God husband had a pot
habit. I make a good income a manager. He got fired annually from
every teaching job he had. One of the jobs actually lasted two years,
but then he went behind the gym and smoked pot with some of the
parents during the spring play. He’s not stupid, just irresponsible, lazy,
and self-indulgent, though he does love our daughter. We have had an
informal joint custody arrangement for two years and are now filing
paperwork to send this sorry mess. His lawyer just informed mine that
he will be filing for spousal support as well as child support. My first
words were: ^&$$&^!!!! (&*##%^!!!! ^$W&&^!!!!! $%#*^!!!!
%^#*#%^!!! I supported this louse for far too long. Other than
trusting my lawyer, do you have any good advice to offer?

Horrified

 
Dear Horrified:

I’m not an attorney and a lot will depend on the laws of the state you
reside in. Pot smoking is certainly more acceptable than when I was
young, and if your hopefully-soon- to-be- an-ex has a medical
marijuana card he may well qualify for exactly the support you don’t
want to give. I don’t know but you will need to educate yourself asap.
Assuming he doesn’t have a smoke ring loophole, you might ask your
lawyer to ask that he has to qualify as drug-free before each visitation
with your daughter. There may also be rules about exposure of
children to drugs you can use. I’d consider getting letters describing
why he lost all previous jobs from each of his former employers. Line
up every piece of evidence you can to demonstrate why he’s been
dodging adult responsibilities for a long time and hope you can
minimize the damage he’s caused to your life. And be thankful you
have only one child actively in your life now.

Yes I’m Angry

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband and I have been separated for two years. I moved to
Florida to pursue a dream job and my desire to live by the ocean and
swim every day. He stayed in the Midwest at a job that has been
killing him for years, and to which he has always been willing to give
the time and attention that he wasn’t giving to the marriage or me.
Neither of us was a financial drain on the other. I have a public
pension and he has a sizeable 401K. We also have a house. We’d
causally discussed “splitting everything down the middle,” which
seemed fair to me, or did before I got a letter informing he that he is
now in a “serious committed relationship.” The object of his affection is
15 years younger, a medical office assistant with a young daughter.
I’m sure she thinks she’s found a gold mine. Am I being a B-word for
wanting to make the divorce is he now formally asking for hard for
him?

Yes I’m Angry

 
Dear Angry:
Yes, you are. And while I don’t like the B-word, I think your self-
diagnosis is accurate. Your (soon-to- be-ex) husband stepped up and
told you the truth. He could have said nothing, could have said It’s
time to get divorced or could have said he was “just dating” if he were
trying to hide things from you. I’m not a cut-throat divorce attorney
who might have some insights into grounds related to a “serous
committed relationship” by a married person. But given the history of
your relocation and discussions of divorce, I suspect the arguments
would lack punch.

 
Two years is a long time to voice getting to closure. Unless there were
serious prospects and mutual desire to reestablish the marriage, it
makes most sense to me that you get on with the separation of all
entanglements, legal and financial. You can tell him what you think of
him and his new honey as much or loudly as you like. But new love is
deaf to reason. If he’s going to get involved with a younger woman
who appreciates his established assets, that’s really more their
business than yours. Move on, as nicely as you can.

Hoping

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

When a man of senior age is used to doing things (and not doing
things) in certain ways that don&'t leave a lady feeling special, do you
think he can make some changes for the good of our relationship?  I&'m
giving him a couple of months to think things over while I go on a trip.
My vision is that when I return he will have missed me and come to
value me more. I’m hoping he’ll do such things as (l) call me when he
says he will, and (2) show appreciation for me with little gestures,
including the occasional flowers or small gift when he returns from a
trip, etc. Is this realistic?

Hoping

 
Dear Hoping:

I want to be able to say, Yes, sure, some time away will make the
heart grow fonder. And it may. But it won’t necessarily change your
would-be partner’s romantic tendencies. Some of us are suckers for
hearts and flowers, chocolate and little notes, sweet surprises and
gifts, large or small. Others don’t even appreciate being the recipient,
let alone ever think of being the benefactor. It’s not just a male/female
thing, through the old classic Women are from Venus, Men are from
Mars wasn’t totally off base.

 
I understand your logic and hope with this test. But as much to the
point would be my question to you: Are you missing him? Because if
you are not, or if you want to see if you can “win” by changing him,
you’re playing a lose-lose game. If you are comparing him to an ex or
your own habits, you’ll always be measuring him against a standard
he’s unlikely to meet. Even if, like a young dog, he could learn some
new tricks, my guess is he’ll revert to current behavior much sooner
than you want. Rather than focusing on his flaws and failings, ask
yourself what attracted you to him in the first place. Do those qualities
still make you want to snuggle up to him more than other men you
know? If the answer is yes, try again to communicate what you need
to feel appreciated, with emphasis on his creative spontaneity in

providing it. You could also consider leading by example and hope he
gets the hints. But if those steps feel like too much effort, let the guy
off the hook and start fishing around for a true romantic. Be
forewarned, he may lack some other quality you might feel is a deal
breaker. Charm on the front end doesn’t always translate into depth
on the other. All of that said, I hope you find a honey who’ll spark your
senior years.

Thinking About It

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I&'m trying to decide about getting back together with an ex. We were
good friends for many years and then after my second divorce and her
first (24 years in my case and 20 in hers) were friends with benefits in
an on-again/off- again relationship for three years. We started out
keeping it secret and being very clear it was “not a relationship” but it
is hard to be so wonderfully intimate with someone without falling in
love at least a little. The problem is we were never in love with the
other at the same time and it ended over mutual frustration at un-met
expectations. We took time to re-grow our friendship, which has been
very caring since then. She&'s been single as I am now. I had an
intense relationship in between with someone who moved away (I’m
settled here). My ex and I have each “confessed” to “thinking about”
starting up again. I’m I didn’t want to be involved the first time) How
can I know what&'s good, right, and fair?

Thinking About It

 
Dear Thinking About It:

If you made a vocabulary list of words like love, passion, intense,
romance on one side of the page, and caring, friendship, and thinking
about on the other, you might think the lists were about two different
people. Good, right, and fair might end up on a very different list.
I understand you are probably lonely after the end of your grand
relationship. She may be lonely for lack of having had one. Beginning,
or re-beginning under those kind of circumstances almost certainly
dooms your next phase to a repeat of the first round: two people who
aren’t really committed to making a go of a real relationship, trying to
find physical satisfaction and comfort with one another. It might work
for a little while. But it’s not likely to sustain either of you for the long
run, at least if you start off like that.

 
You have many options from which to choose. Here’s three: Share a
bottle of wine, put it all on the table, agree that this is a brief interlude
and that you’ll go back to friendship after a fixed period of time. Treat
one another the way you would a new potential partner: date and hold
hands, and see if real romance emerges, in synch, for both of you.
Stay friends only and commiserate over your loneliness verbally, but
save the dating and sex for other people, one of whom might turn out
to be right for you or her to have a real relationship with. To decide,
think about whether it would be good, right, and fair for someone to
treat you like you are thinking about treating her.

Would Be Suitor

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I met a woman I like at a dinner party of a mutual friend. My assets: I
am mid-fifty’s employed, a decent-looking nice guy with varied
interests. My liabilities: I am not yet divorced and I am 15 years older
than this woman, which our mutual friend says should not be a
problem. She did tell me that Sarah is recently divorced and not yet
ready for a steady. Should I just risk getting shot down and call and
ask her out. Is there a polite way to let her know I am interested
without her feeling put on the spot? I’d like her to say yes now, but I
don’t want her to be embarrassed if she wants to decline. I still want
invitations to the friend’s house to meet her again and maybe other
people. It’s been 30 years since I have dated so I am kind of rusty.

Would Be Suitor

 
Dear Suitor:

Nothing makes a person’s ego inflate more than knowing someone is
interested. That’s especially true if the would be suitor is decent-
looking, employed, and a nice person. But it’s equally true that turning
someone down face-to- face (or even by phone) can be awkward and
stressful.

 
I’d ask your mutual friend for Sarah’s email and snail mail address.
Then send a friendly invitational note that says roughly, I enjoyed
meeting you. I’d like to connect again, perhaps one on one, for any
activity you think might be interesting to do together. My range
includes going out for food and talking, a movie, going for a hike or a
concert, or taking dance lessons. Here’s my contact info. Please let me
know if any of this sounds like fun. By giving her time to think about if
and how she’d like to begin, you’ll be demonstrating your nice-guy-
ness. By including dance lessons in the range you’re demonstrating
interest in something intimate, but not in a sleazy way. A handwritten
note is more personal. But email is more modern and faster,
assuming you don’t land in her spam bin. One cautionary PS – don’t
say anything you wouldn’t want your mutual friend to read. Your note
is very likely going to be shared.

Dense?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I met someone on a dating site four months ago. We started off
gangbusters: had regular meetings for coffee or a meal, and got
together whenever he was in my town (he lives an hour away). I went
to visit there for pleasant afternoons, dog walks, and movies. I was
told I was “welcome to stay over” (not very romantic in my world) but
there was never more than a friendly hug or polite kiss in all the time
we’ve known one another. There were breaks for various vacations but
I’d say we’ve seen one another at least a dozen times all together. He
told me very early in that he wasn’t in a romantic state of mind but
that he enjoyed our time together. Now he’s starting to talk about
“looking for people to date.” Is that as explicit a way of saying, “but
not you” as I am likely to hear? I’m not wild about rejection, and while
I enjoy this guy as a friend, I too am looking for someone to date, and
if it isn’t going to be him, I feel like I should pull back from regular
texting and phone calls and offering a home-cooked meal, It feels like
an old relationship: lots of caring but no sex. I want to at least start
off hot and then see what happens.

Dense?

 
Dear Dense:

Kissing and hugging, the romantic kind, give a very different message
than a casual invite to the implicit guest room. They are an
unambiguous invitation towards sexuality. Polite hugs and polite kisses
are the opposite, as are the very clear messages of wanting to date
other people. Your new friend is being deliberately consistent in his
messaging. You’re the one in denial if you think that there’s mixed
messaging going on.

 
What you’re calling a relationship is a friendship. Cleary he values you.
But saying he wants to look for someone to date is as simple as a kind
rejection gets. You have two options. If you ask, What about me?
Aren’t we dating? You move very quickly to the I think of you as a
friend talk. If you become less available, you might see if he moves
towards you. But realistically it’s only the timing of getting to closure
sooner or later. I don’t think this one is going in the direction you
want, no matter how slowly it takes to go the other way. Go back to
the dating site.

All Talk, No Action

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have been online dating for many years. I&'ve noticed a trend
changing over the years. When I first became single back in 2001, I
actually met several very eligible men who were available and
interested in developing a real relationship. I had a few very nice
boyfriends over the years though nothing leading to the altar. Now,
however, not so much. First you have to weed out the crazies, and
those who aren&'t broke or within reasonable age range, which
eliminates roughly 80%.

 

Once you narrow it down and begin
communicating, the men seem lazy: they just want to chat, texting for
days/weeks/months on end without ever meeting. They complain
about the effort to drive even just 30 minutes to meet, expect women
to act like men, and “courtship” is not in their vocabulary. Once they
meet you, if they ever do, the party’s over, the thrill is gone, and the
men vanish. I am attractive, smart, friendly, in good shape, and very
careful not to come off as overly cynical or crazy. I truly think that
online dating is eroding any chance of real relationships. Perhaps
matchmaking would be a better route, albeit much more expensive.
Or, I&'ll grow old alone, because I truly have exhausted every
possibility. I have a very busy life, in a family-oriented city, and no
real way to meet eligible (single) men. Any ideas?

All Talk, No Action

 
Dear Talk/Action:

You’re not the first woman with this lament, nor the first to face the
dilemma of having a life you like, absence of a relationship
notwithstanding. The most important rule if you really want to find a
partner: keep looking, online and off. As a single/looking friend once
observed, It’s a numbers game. So if the folks only don’t want to meet
after a few texts, say No thanks and move on. If you do choose to
meet, follow smart safety rules about neutral public places, giving
cyber-date’s info to a friend, and having that friend call you 30
minutes in to see if you need rescuing. Park in an easily accessible
safe place.

 

 

You could consider speed dating, which is an efficient way to check out
a roomful of folks with five minutes of quickie look-sees. Be sure to tell
everyone you respect and like that you are ready to date, and have a
quick summary of your must haves and deal breakers list ready to
share, with a mix of sincerity and self-knowing humor. Live the life you
want to, including adding in new activities where you might meet
people with similar interests. Do everything you can to be happy living
singly, so you&'ll know what is and is not negotiable if you do meet
anyone with whom a second date would be interesting. Think long run.

Ready

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been divorced for two months. We live in a no-fault state but the
sad reality is that both of us were at fault in various ways. We became
used to being unkind to one another, and had retaliatory affairs: I
slept with someone at work and after she found out she did the same.
We said we would forget and try to forget. But there was too much
acrimony. Frankly even living in an apartment is better than the last
two years of tension, because I don’t have to worry the TV is going to
erupt into a frenzy and start yelling at me. But I am starting to get
bored and am ready to date. I’m a mid-40’s nice guy, with a steady
income, decent enough looking, and if you ask anyone other than my
wife, a decent sort of fellow to spend time with, have a drink, and get
to know. Do you have any good tips on starting over?

Ready

 
Dear Ready:

You don’t say how long you have actually been divorced. While the last
phases of a dying relationship are very often filled with acrimony and
emotional pain, they also are not be best places to lay a solid basis for
healing and preparing yourself for your new next life. A new place to
live is a start, and your basic info about yourself makes you seem like
you could be a decent catch eventually (infidelity notwithstanding,
though perhaps you’ve learned the lesson). But “ready” happens with
more than just elapsed time.

 
Some useful things to remember are the importance of cleaning out
emotionally as well as changing your physical reality. That could
include counseling as well as journaling, talking to friends and other
divorced folks (not in the griping, “she done me wrong” way. It also
means taking more alone time than you might think you want. It helps
with reflection and really understanding what you miss about relationship
other than physical intimacy. Make a point of being in varied social situations,
from potential dating meet-up places to classes and dinner parties. Get used
to being around people you do not know. I strongly suggest waiting until you’re
clear who you are becoming before choosing your next partner. If you don’t,
odds are high that you’ll repeat the mistakes of the past.

Everything Changing Fast

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My wife and I bought a house in a college town five years ago. The
market never goes down, but is also not going up as quickly as the
rest of the world. We are in the beginning of a reasonably friendly and
mutually desired divorce. In order for the process to finish we need to
figure out the value of all our assets, from our retirement savings to
our 70’s rock records. She’s moving away but I have to decide if I
want to keep the house or not. It needs lots of fixing up but we’ve
been here five years without having done it, so it’s livable. I could do a
lot but have no idea what my finances will be in the new reality. Catch
22. Chicken and egg. Insert all the platitudes you want, but the
bottom line is that I don’t know what to decide. I do want the divorce
to happen. Too many decisions to make at the same time. How can I
rank my priorities, including whether or not to keep or sell the house?

Everything Changing Fast

 
Dear Changing Fast:

When life gets reorganized very quickly it sometimes makes sense to
keep your center stable. I’m not a financial expert, but if you can
afford the current payments by yourself (assuming they’d stay the
same if you don’t sell or refi) then my vote is to keep the house for
one year. That’ll give you time to get all the circumstances of the
divorce finalized, understand what your needs are for living alone, and
get used to being a single guy again. After you have lived for six
months by yourself you will have a while lot more information than
you do now.
If you like living alone, don’t feel the house is too big, and feel like the
DIY projects give you a hobby and enhanced living space, then you’ll
probably decide to keep the place. If the market has shifted a lot,
there may be advantages to staying, refiing, or selling. And though I’m
not a financial advisor, it seems likely interest rates will stay low, even
if they’re no longer at rock bottom. Make the divorce simple by not
tossing the house into the mix. A side note: very few divorces are
friendly. If you can keep yours that way, more power to you.

Still Shy After All These Years

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m not yet divorced. But my wife relocated 2,500 miles away and we
have not been intimate for years. She has started dating where she
now lives. I’ve been shyer about getting back out there, even though I
am employed and decent looking. I’m on several local volunteer
boards where I saw a woman I’d be at least interested in. She doesn’t
wear a wedding ring. We just got assigned to a subcommittee, along
with some other folks. Should I wait to get to know her better before I
ask her out or should I take this as a sign from the universe that the
time to dial is now?

Still Shy After All These Years

 
Dear Still Shy:

Be forewarned that’s there no dating cliché more well-worn than “My
wife and I are separated…..” But someone whose wife is thousands of
miles away has a decent case to make.

My vote is to catch her after a meeting and say something simple, in
person rather than by phone, text or email. Be casual, as in Would you
like to go get a cup of coffee?“ which has the immediacy of surprise
and casual. Or Would you like to catch a movie sometime?“ which is
potentially more ambiguous and casual; invitational but also betrays
shyness. Or Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?“ which is
more “date-y.” I’d vote for number three and sooner, if only to get you
back in the dating game. The upside is that she is free and says yes,
you can check her out and if it doesn’t feel right, just see her in
meetings. The downside is you might get uncomfortable if she says no.
But it’s early enough that you could switch committees if things go
terribly awry. Some people, btw, don’t wear rings, so if she says
something like, Sure, but I need to alert my husband/boyfriend/partner,
you’ll learn a lot quickly. No time like now. Don’t be surprised btw, if the
other committee members notice.

Can’t Believe My Good and Bad Luck

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I am 64. I recently reconnected on Face Book with my first true love.
We were a couple in high school and would probably have gotten
married and settled down except my mother broke us up. Insert vivid
fights with her, decades of bad relationships for me, until I finally met
my husband, who reminded me of my first love. We had five good
years until he got cancer. I am widowed; I started dating, meeting no
one satisfactory. Then I re-met and am now in love again with my
numero uno, who lives 1000 miles away. We’ve seen one another,
embraced, and affirmed the connection, but haven’t figured out what
happens next. Unbelievably, my mother is still being a B-word about
him. Is this karma? How can I handle her?

Can’t Believe My Good and Bad Luck

 
Dear Can’t Believe:

Some things never change, including parents’ belief that they know
what&'s best for their kids. But at age 64 you have long earned the
right to decide with whom you are in love. And after bad decades and
cancer you deserve good ones.

 
Next might be a visit by True Love to visit you. You can (re) introduce
him to your family. Prior to that visit have a firm sit down with your
mother. Make it plain that you have had a long and complicated
romantic life both because of and despite her interference. But one
serious intervention is enough. Tell her in no uncertain terms, This is
the guy with whom I am going try and make a relationship, even given
the long distance constraints. It may end up in marriage or in flames,
but that’s my problem and right to figure out, not yours. If she is
smart she will keep her mouth shut and watch from the sidelines. If he
is smart he will greet her with a big hug, and try to disarm her with
charm.

Not Sure What’s Next

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I recently ended a 15-year live-in- but-not- married relationship. I
supported my ex, whom I watched decline into a sad and unhappy
spiral of drug use, lack of employment, chronic negativity, and general
avoidance of responsibility for herself. It was a long and very difficult
period of my life. Relocating her out of my home and into a settled
new reality was a long and expensive process that I tried to handle as
compassionately as I could. But now that I am living alone I realize
that I get lonelier than I expected, and also that I need some help with
the small chores she did provide, primarily pet care. A woman I have
just started to befriend is new to town. She is looking for a place to
live and has suggested a roommate relationship in exchange for
chores while she looks for a job. Should I be kind and try to help her
or should I put my guard up and beware?

Not Sure What’s Next

 
Dear Not Sure What’s Next:

Any time one changes a major life circumstance it is wise to take some
time for recovery. You don’t say if “recently” is measured in weeks or
months, but I’m betting it’s not years or you would have a clearer idea
of what to do and be more trustful (or mistrustful) or your instincts.
My advice is to say No thanks and here’s why: You could easily re-
create a very similar circumstance to the one you just got out of.
There might not be the emotional complications of relationship. But
there would be the reality of another adult living with you who does
not have visible means of support. You can solve the pet care problem
by hiring a neighbor kid, buying automatic pet feeders, adding a pet
door and covered run or shelter, or other simple solutions. These are
fixes that’ll ensure your domestic freedom while you readjust to your
new life circumstances.

 

Tell the potential new roomie that you have promised yourself you will
spend at least two years living alone before you make any changes.
Then look for a good counselor to help you look at your issues.