Struggling Artist

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a glass artist who works primarily on commissions. I sell once a
year at a local art fair where people see my work, where I sell pieces
for under $100, mostly to get some free publicity. But what I really
like to do is to work with people to come up with a unique installation
to fit their home and/or yard. The more I focus on what I like to do,
the more people seem to be drawn to me, in part because the people I
design for are happy with what we co-create. I have two problems, if
that’s ok. A very close friend wants me to make something for her
that’s like what I have in my own yard. It’s a large installation –
imagine a dozen pieces of paper, but made out of fancy glass. The
glass alone, relative to what the small art fair pieces cost, would be
close to $500 far more than I would want to charge a friend. She
insists on paying me. How can we both be comfortable? Also, a woman
called who said she has bought my art two years in a row but would
like me to make something special for her, just a little bigger. I told
her to bring pictures of the space, and dimensions, and invited her to
my studio, before I realized that she’s bound to notice my three pot
plants, which I am legally growing as sleep medicine. It’s almost
impossible to separate the art from the green vista. I think I’d get a
bigger job if she saw my art at my place. You have a snappy answer
for me?

Struggling Artist

 
Dear Struggling Artist:

Your problems are actually pretty easy to solve. You could have
included a third.

 
Re your friend, get clear with her on the cost of the glass. Start by
asking her what her budget is for the project. Then invite her to your
studio and to a local glass shop so she can see the array of color and
pattern options, and the relative cost of the fancy vs plainer glass. Let
her select and buy the glass directly for the project, and you keep the
remnants as compensation for your labors. You can charge her a small
fee for your art and kiln time if you want . I suspect she will insist on
that. Do what feels fair.

 
Re the visitor, walk her through your home studio so she can see what
her choices are, and then focus her on your selection of glass. Then
walk her into a different venue, your dining room table for example, to
talk about her project, and sketch it out together. If she asks about
your foliage, tell her it is an experiment with sleep medicine, and then
bring the conversation back to the glass.

Teach

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a teacher. I love my job. I love the students, the subjects, and
knowing that I am actively making a difference in people’s lives. I love
when people see me in the mall and tell me how much I helped them.
But I hate that non-teachers think my life is such a cushy ride, and
that I have three carefree months off. My work year ends in mid/late
June and it starts in mid August. That’s maybe two weeks more than
most people. I don’t have to go in and prepare my room or attend in-
service meetings for a few weeks, but I wake up every day anxious
and worried about how I am possibly going to get it all done, and
whether I have another year in me of no time for me. I feel like I just
got into my bathing suit and the chaise is being yanked out from under
me. How can I convey my frustration to snotty people who don’t get
the dedication it takes to be a teacher, would never work for the
peanuts I make, and who certainly wouldn’t put in the 60 hour weeks
that my colleagues and I do?

Teach

 
Dear Teach:

No one who hasn’t taught can understand how much mental and
emotional energy good teachers invest in their student. A society that
pays media stars zillions and teacher peanuts has its priorities very
upside down. So on behalf of those who get it, Thanks.

 
What you can do is to put yourself on a work diet for the remains of
summer and your life on a schedule that’ll last through the school
year. Now. Before the crazy busy times start again. Decide what in life
makes you happy, other than work. Get out your calendar and
schedule those activities in, with indelible black ink, from now through
the end of the year. Promise yourself leisure time each day, and I’m
not talking about holding the remote till your eyes close. I mean with a
book, with friends, your spouse. Movies and meals and whatever your
favorite exercise and hobby is. Things that keep you human and
happy. Because if you don’t make a point of doing those in summer,
and throughout the teaching year, the world’s going to lose a good
teacher to burnout.

 
As for the critics, look at them and say, I work 60 hours a week for
peanuts. And I love what I do. Do you want to trade careers?

Almost Dry

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This is a dating saga. I met someone on Match a year plus ago. We did
a lot of emailing as he was relocating, no joke, from Alaska to Florida.
He warned me that he would drop off the map for a while as he drove
through the lower 48, but I did not expect that to take a full year. The
emails stopped cold and he never called me, even though I had
provided phone numbers as well as my email. We bumped into one
another at an arts festival where coincidentally we both knew and
collected the same artist and started talking at her booth. That led to a
few dates and I could be interested….except…..he drinks a lot. And I
don’t mean just more than me, because I am a lightweight. But he
drinks more than anyone I have ever seen, and that includes my
alcoholic uncle. The booze doesn’t seem to affect his ability to hold a
conversation but I find it worrisome. Is there a way to discuss this
without immediately ending the possible romance?

Almost Dry

 

Dear Almost Dry:

You can have the conversation over tea or over drinks. But from what
you are describing, do not expect your potential beau to be
enthusiastic or even accepting about your concerns.
I’d begin by asking what role alcohol has played in his life and his
family history. You can preface it with your observations about the
difference in your respective intake. Don’t worry about alarming him
because simply insisting on the topic will raise his defenses. Be clear
on what matters to you. First and foremost, that he not drive after he
has been drinking. That mean with you as a passenger or on his own.
If he doesn’t understand that issue, then don’t bother with the rest of
the conversation. If he does, go ahead and speak your piece, and then
see if there is common ground to work with. But unless you have
already fallen so deeply in love that you’re going to see this through
no matter what, my money is on a short-term romance at best. Better
that than dying for love.

Single and Only Sort-of Looking

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just got asked to join a “meet up” group for single adults over 60.
One of my friends, actually an ex, is hoping to have new alternatives
for dinner and movie excursions etc. The idea is to post “I want to do
X, Y or X at a certain day/time. Does anyone else want to come?” I
very much prefer one-on-one to group activities and also value my
time and whom I spend it with. I mostly want to have friends but
would consider dating if there’s a click. Ironically the same person
caught both our eyes. What’s the etiquette here?

Single and Only Sort-of Looking

 

Dear Single/Looking:

As tempting (and childish) as it is to “call dibs” on the prospective
datee, that’s not how adults, especially those who’ve been around the
block for decades, conduct themselves. Agree upfront that you will be
honest with one another, and that you’ll stay friends regardless of the
outcome.

 
Like Solomon and the two mothers who covet the same baby, you’re
each going to have plead your case, not in so many words but by
being a charming date.. If the friendship is worth its salt it won’t
matter if the object of your affections chooses either or neither. Flip a
coin to see who invites her to dinner first. Be very clear on this quasi-
date that while you’re looking for friends, you definitely would like to
know this person better because if you “met the right person…..” Be
clear about your relationship history and see if that level and topic of
disclosure is reciprocated. It is critical that you speak only well of your
friend to the date. Don’t be sly or coy. End by offering your contact
info and say (assuming it’s true) that you’d like to connect again for
fun and food. Then the other friend does the same, leaving it up to the
date to decide which, if either of you, gets the next chance to connect.

Critic

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

One of my friends is “writing a book.” She has asked me for feedback
because I am a professional writer and editor. She has fantasies of a
best seller in the chick lit genre followed by a movie deal. I’ve seen
this dream before, and it is ruthlessly reinforced and peddled by
writing workshop vendors. She’s been to three such events. Her
writing is poor, banal, two dimensional, derivative, boring…need I go
on? Early on she discussed hiring me as an editor and I demurred,
encouraging her to get more done before I made a commitment. She
just asked me again and I want to run for the hills. The world doesn’t
need more bad books. I really want to say “Give it up and try water
colors or ceramics.” But I know that’s too harsh. How can I discourage
her without losing the friendship?

Critic
Dear Critic:

She’s approached you as a professional so it’s okay to respond like
one. But as her friend you can also respond kindly but also honestly,
which people who are not interested in picking her wallet will not do.
Go out to lunch and have with you two manila envelopes. In one, have
printed off 50 or more standard rejection notices: Dear [friend name].
Thank you for your submission. XYZ Press is not interested in
considering your project. Thank you for your submission. You can vary
them a little, but make her sit and turn each page, wait a moment and
then turn the next. You can apologize to the trees you sacrificed while
she does that. Say that’s what virtually every writer experiences and
that based on the sample she’s shown you that’s what she can expect
in the real world of people who aren’t trying to pluck her wallet or her
vanity.

 

In the second envelope have one-two pages of heavily edited,
in red ink and track changes, what you think would have a fighting
chance of success if she actually continued writing. Tell her you do not
want to be her editor because you are her friend. Say that a good
editor would charge her several or more thousand dollars to get her
project up to snuff, and there are still no guarantees. Alternatively she
could take writing classes at a local college, join a group of other
aspiring authors, and improve her skills without paying a lot for the
process, with a goal of self publishing. End by saying writing is a
wonderful form of self-expression. But she should detach her heart
from her money unless she wants her wallet to be lots thinner. Cheer
her on from a safe distance.

Besieged

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m the in advice-giving business, so I get lots of clients who are in
crisis and expect personal attention. In rare cases I give out my cell
number, which I did a few months ago to a woman in a family crisis.
She never used it but a few weeks later called and told me “I no longer
want to be your friend because you have boundary issues.” She asked
me to completely shred any record of our connection and let me know
when I had done it I did so. Frankly, I was relieved, and: (A) I never
thought she was my friend; (B) I thought she was in trouble and
needed help: and, C) I was happy to see her vanish. Sadly, she’s
baaaaack!!! In the last three weeks she has emailed or called me on
my cell no less than twice a week. I haven’t answered but I’m
concerned that she’s a bit of a wacko. What should I do?

Besieged

 
Dear Besieged:

You should write her a very simple email and exactly the same
message in a text: I understand that you’re now looking for help.
However our prior client/advisor relationship is over. Per your request
I’ve shredded your records. I suggest you find someone else to be
there for you during your time of crisis. I am no longer available in
that role.

 

Then take all normal precautions unfriending her on Facebook. Screen
your calls and alert any helper (like a secretary) to say that you’re
busy or otherwise unavailable. Every helping profession attracts a fair
share of needy people. Whether you had boundary issues are not in
the beginning isn’t the question. Now’s a great time to set them, and
perhaps add some spikes to the top of the Keep Out! Wall, at least
where she’s concerned.

Urgent

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This question is at the intersection of my health and my
marriage. My husband and I have been together for 25
years and the pounds have crept onto both of us. Okay we
ate our way fat, but for a very long time we didn’t encounter
any major health issues, just vanity and wardrobe. Then he
was diagnosed diabetic and was told to lose weight. He did,
but he found even more pounds and is back where he
started plus 10. I now have a mandate from my doctor to
immediately drop 20 pounds. I’ve put myself on a very
specific food and exercise regimen, but my husband seems
determined to undercut it. He brings home ice cream and
cookies saying “We deserve treats.” and he keeps inviting
me to late evening concerts and events that seem to
undermine my commitment to early workouts. I’d like him to
be alive longer too, but right now I’m most concerned about
me. What should I do?

Urgent

 
Dear Urgent:

Every relationship develops its own communications style.
Sadly, passive aggressiveness has crept into yours, teamed
up with long-term denial. It’s a scary and potentially deadly
combo to leave in charge.
You’re overdue for a serious conversation with your hubby.
You need to agree that you won’t be each other’s food
police, but also that you will commit to standards for the
household that you will both honor. Those standards can
whatever you want, but he needs to honor your
commitment, even if he won’t agree to toe the same line for
himself. Why not give him a special place for his stash: a
corner the freezer where you never look (say, behind the ice
cube tray) for hi, and a corner cupboard very high up for his
cookies. Simply say, The only other thing I’m asking is that
you not offer it to me or eat it in front of me. I’ll let you
know when I think I’ve earned a treat. Then it’s up to you
set the alarm every morning to get to the gym. If you’re up
for an evening event, agree on a come home time or tell him
that if it means taking separate cars you’ll do it. This may
take the next three months or even six, but I promise he’ll
get more on board when he sees how happy you are with
success.

Dunned

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This is a very small amount of money but an ongoing problem. I have
a friend who earns maybe twice what I do. But she is what my father
used to call a schnorrer, a word that in English I think means a cadger,
someone who’s the last to reach for the bill. She always suggests
splitting the check down the middle, even though I rarely order a glass
of wine and she always does. You know the type I’m sure. Each year
the local symphony does an outdoor concert. It’s free but if you get
tickets over the phone there’s a $2 per ticket charge. They sell out in
hours. I get the maximum number of tickets per household because
someone is always short tickets. This year she begged for them,
saying she promised to take a friend for her birthday but had not
gotten through to the box office in time. I gave them to her when we
met for a movie, saying, You owe me $4. She didn’t pay me then, or
when we parted. Is it too late to ask? I don’t want to seem cheap, but
I’m irked. The “last straw” is small but weighty.

Dunned

 
Dear Dunned:

It’s okay to send an email saying, Hey we never settled up for the
concert tickets. It’s only $4 but I’m on a new budget plan and starting
to keep careful track of my money so I can see how much I am
spending on what. No need to send a check, but next time we go out
I’ll remind you. Also, from now on, I am going to suggest we eat on
separate tickets or split the bill based on what we order. It’s all part of
what I am called The Year of Living on My Budget. Thanks for
understanding and helping.

 

There’s always a chance she complains about you to mutual friends.
But the odds are that you’re not the only sap she’s had subsidize her
dining tastes. So they’re as likely to adopt your model as to judge you.
Even if they do, the word is out that you’re generous only to a point,
not to a fault. And if she won’t cooperate, order tea not food.

Rude, I Guess

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I did tashlich on Rosh Hashonah. I cast all the sins I could remember
out onto the waters. But now since the High Holidays and
conversations with other people, I feel like I did not even realize how
insensitive I may have been towards others in the past year. I don’t
usually think of myself as a narcissist, but from the comments people
have made about me being self-centered to the point of clueless about
their feelings, I feel like I need to a better job in the year to come. I
asked for forgiveness, but I want to change. How?

Rude, I Guess

 
Dear Rude:

For a start, focus on listening a whole lot more and talking a whole lot
less. That’s harder than it sounds, but an excellent practice. You may
need to commiserate more with their misfortunes and crow less about
your own happiness. Concentrate on asking people questions rather
than giving them advice. Ask How did that make you feel? And What
do you think you’re going to do?

 
For friends where it really matters, beyond the act of forgiveness, tell
them honestly that you are seeking to make a change in how you
communicate and that you want their help. Make it clear that if they
give you negative feedback that you won’t jump down their throat with
both feet or fists. Practice more humility than, say, any presidential
candidate. And spend at least a chunk of time each day being quiet,
whether you call it meditation or housework. No music, no news, no
TV. Just be quietly in the moment and paying attention. That’ll help
you when you’re with people later.

Bad Situation

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I started my first real job three months ago. My first day everyone told
me to “hang in there,” which surprised me because there hadn’t been
time for anything bad to happen. They knew more than I did. My boss
is an abusive jerk. I can’t afford to quit, but I’ve been tempted almost
daily. Frankly I don’t want this guy to “win.” Any advice?

Bad Situation

 
Dear Bad Situation:

Working relationships are about power. Sadly, people higher on the
corporate food chain sometimes act in ways they might not treat their
kids or pets. If you decide to leave, make sure your retreating butt is
covered with a paper trail that preserves the possibility of a decent
reference, or of collecting unemployment. If you need the ultimate
reality check, repeat this sentence times: Rage won’t pay next month’s
rent.

 
No matter how much of a jerk Your Boss is, keep your verbal cool. You
can disagree about policy or substance, but don’t disrespect your boss
out loud, whether it’s just the two of you or, worse, in front of other
staff. Somehow, no matter how %^#^%$ angry you are, say nothing
except I need to think about that. until you reach a private safety
zone. Also do not send colleagues email that’s hot enough to burn
down the company server. Email is a not safe place, especially when
your emotions are running the show. No one, repeat no one, can resist
telling at least part of a good story to someone else at work. Make a
date with your most trusted advisor who doesn’t work there. When
you meet, remember you’re asking for perspective, not merely for
validation. Bursts of self-indulgence are a necessary balm, but choose
heavy aerobics over hot fudge rescue your mood.

 
Take a reality check of your budget, looking what it takes to keep you
afloat. Then check the help wanteds. Doing this will either empower
you or make you better appreciate your current job, even if it comes
with temporarily diminished self-esteem. Update your resume and
start sending out apps to feel more independent and prepared.

 

Finally, ask Your Boss if s/he wants to meet. Look for ways to connect
and issues to agree on. Emphasize positives. Put your issues onto the
table, but only after it is firm enough to hold them. Swear whatever
loyalty oath you can choke out, even if you mailed ten resumes that
morning. Ask for regular interactions to be sure your working
relationship grows and stays healthy. You have a chance to exploit
Your Boss. S/he has acted inappropriately, and despite the mantle of
power, people who act rough usually feel guilty, especially if someone
else has witnessed the event. Figure out how to make Your Boss’s
moods work for you. Above all, make sure you can keep your job as
long as you want and need it.

Momma

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My son graduated engineering college several months ago. He wanted
some time off before starting his job search but moved to a nearby
city which was his first choice of where to live and rented a room from
a former housemate and his girlfriend. Long story short: they broke up
and now she and my son are in love. I vastly prefer her to his previous
gal. Now the two of them want to move to our town and specifically to
the apartment rental that’s been vacant all summer while we did
repairs. They are both in job-hunting mode and want to pay as little as
possible. The only downside to his new flame is that she didn’t have a
break between guys and they are starting off living together,
something I’d have cautioned against but here they are. I normally
rent the apartment for $600 and was half-thinking of turning it into an
AirB&B but hadn’t decided. They are willing to take jobs in our city or
the college town an hour up the road (their first choice). What should I
charge them? My friends think I’m being a softie when I say nothing,
but his college cost us very little because of academic scholarships,
and we all live very simply.

Momma

 
Dear Momma:

There’s nothing bad about helping your child launch into adulthood,
especially if he’s a good kid and you haven’t showered him with an
expensive up-bringing. Lots of children in transition return home
without being burdened with an exaggerated sense of entitlement.
Looking for work is painful and arduous. In his case perhaps more so
as the low-hanging fruit of entry level jobs were probably plucked by
the folks who began looking in June or even before graduation.

 

I’d recommend a multi-tiered approach. In month one through
Thanksgiving, give them free to ultra-low rent in exchange for helping
with fall cleaning and garden cleanup, plus make them responsible for
cooking one superb meal a week (where cooking includes shopping and
cleanup). Between Thanksgiving and January 1, double the rent. If
they don’t have jobs by the beginning of the year, sit down with them
and discuss what market value is and what you are giving up. Then
agree on what they will pay. You might also say that a requirement of
the deal is that you will help each with their resume. Note: Good
prospective daughters-in-law are hard to come by. I’d say err on the
side of generosity until they have a solid start in their new lives.

Aggrieved

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

A former friend hurt me very badly during the past year. The details
are not important, but the punch line is that my marriage will take a
long time to recover. My wife and I are working on trust-building, and
alcohol avoidance. But I blame him more than her. He’s on the temple
Board and will play a prominent part in High Holiday services and
receive many honors. I know the spirit of the season is forgiveness but
I have none in my heart and feel it’s worse to fake sincerity if he offers
atonement. What can I say if he approaches me to apologize and what
should I do if he does not?

Aggrieved

 
Dear Aggrieved:

There’s no telling a heart how to feel with your head. If you are not
yet ready to forgive you should not approach your friend insincerely
nor should you accept any seemingly pro forma apology just because
it is offered. The spirit of the season is to cleanse your heart and your
soul, not to fake politeness and/or bury a wound that will continue to
fester.

 
If your friend approaches you, say honestly that you are not yet over
the hurt that his actions (and perhaps your wife’s) have put on your
family. Say you and she are working through things, but you would
like him to respect your process. If he does not approach you, you
should consider moving towards him, and say more or less the same.
The more or less part is tricky, because synagogue is not the place for
the kind of full airing you might wish to do. I suggest leaving the door
open and saying you’re not really ready to talk about things now, but
will be open in a few months to having a cuppa coffee, but not until
you have firmer footing and more perspective. Don’t make him into a
villain or yourself into a victim. Use this opportunity to heal your
marriage and refine your friendship. You may need help, from your
rabbi or a counselor. Don’t be shy about asking for it.

Stung

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I think people are a whole lot more sensitive than we think they are. I
am a managerial type but I have learned (the hard way) that every
word, expression, even nuance can be very hurtful, especially to a
person who is primed for emotional injury. With friends there is usually
more give and take, but people think I am a whole lot more robust and
immune to an unkind word than I really am. I just hide my sensitive
side well. A very close friend hurt me by a sarcastic remark. I think
she thought she was teasing but it stung very badly. Perhaps because
it was a body image/food comment, an issue I have struggled with
wince childhood. I feel like now is the time to say something, given the
High Holidays. But she is not Jewish. Can you help me with words
about why I am saying something so belatedly? I feel both overly
sensitive and cowardly.

Stung

 
Dear Stung:

Even with our friends we should try to be kind. Perhaps especially with
them, since we want them be there for us when we need them, and to
support us through the proverbial thick and thin. Most friendships fall
into patterns over time. There’s an assumption that teasing someone
about a characteristic is ok, “because if a friend can’t tell you, who
can?” Other friendships become nothing but terminal whining sessions,
with each person dishing up horrors about their partner, or boss, or
another friend not present for the conversation. Over time the content
and the social roles get entrenched, so it is harder to shift the
dynamic.

 
Try this on you friend: [Name], you know how I talk about going to
synagogue more often this time of year? Well part of what we Jews do
as we celebrate a new year, is to make apologies for any hurts we
have inflicted on anyone, and to try and clear the air so we can rebuild
our friendships and relationships, both intimate and casual. I know you
didn’t mean to hurt me when you said blah-blah-blah. But you did.
And I’ve been quiet until now because of how much I love and value
you. In the spirit of this time I wanted to clear the air, tell you how
much I am struggling with this issue, and ask for your kindness and
support as I work on it. I know folks think I’m tough because of what I
do But I’m a hurting mush ball just like the rest of you. Then ask her if
there’s anything equivalent she wants to say to you. After a cry, a
laugh, and a cup of tea, you should be fine.

Still Annoyed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I had a fight with someone and we have not spoken for two months.
We had been close friends but over time had drifted apart as we each
got into a strong relationship with someone who did not like the friend.
Neither of us talked about it at the time, and we still met for the
occasional lunch, at committee meetings, etc. But our interactions
dwindled as they became less and less personal. The last time I saw
her she asked, “Are you still with Old Mr. Grumpy?” She may have
thought she was being funny but because of the prior history things
quickly escalated into mutual unpleasantness. We both ended with,
“Call me when you’re ready to apologize!” I am not missing her in my
life. But we are bound to bump into one another at the High Holidays.
Do I have to go through the whole atonement ritual?

Still Annoyed

 
Dear Still Annoyed:

Yes. And all the more reason to do it because you have the perfect
occasion to do so. The High Holidays are meant to be a time of soul
searching and cleaning the slate. That’s part of the ten-day pause
between being written into the book of life and having your name
sealed in. Time to do your emotional homework and to make amends,
or at a minimum apologies.

 
No one makes it a full year without doing or saying something they
need to apologize for. Most of us have far more to make atonement for
than we could ever accomplish, even if we remembered all the unkind
things we had done. Denial is a reliable way of avoiding that moral
responsibility but, ironically, you don’t even have that slender pillar to
hide behind. You’re very aware that you were at fault, even if you try
to say, “She started it!” Behave like adults, not playground children or
squabbling politicians. Seek her out, wish her Shanah tovah!, and say
I’m sorry we both acted like jerks. Can we do lunch when the hubbub
dies down? Then call and invite her to lunch, as opposed to saying,
Well she hasn’t called me! When you connect keep it civil but strive to
be more personal. A good friendship is a terrible thing to waste or
lose.

Adrift

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

As always with a change of year I find myself reassessing life
decisions. I know I cannot go back and change the past. But I feel
burdened by regrets about foolish relationship decisions, bad job
choices, even something as silly as twenty pounds I put on this year
brooding and feeling stuck. I have tried getting re-engaged with
Judaism as a way of jolting myself out of my funk, but sometimes the
words in the prayers just get in the way. I am long past any Sunday
School version of God as a man in white robes on a throne. I believe
that HaShem is a guiding force in life, but also that my own
(seemingly very messed up) free will has been able to subvert that
guiding hand into the mess I’m in now. Can you help me find my way
back to some greater clarity and faith?

Adrift

 
Dear Adrift:

That’s a tall order for an advice column, but here goes. Belief in a
power greater than yourself is a useful adjunct to free will, especially if
your faith in yourself is at a low point. Organizations like Alcoholics
Anonymous have used that principle to help people for decades. But
just turning your life over to an idea and expecting a cavalry to the
rescue turn-around isn’t a realistic or likely outcome. You’re going to
have to take more control of your life and responsibility for making
better decisions for anything substantive to change.

 
Take the High Holidays seriously. Go to ask many of the services as
you can. Don’t focus on the words that distract you. Instead focus on
the meaning of the prayers, the trust in the divine, the sincere
supplication of your heart for relief and release. In my shul I once
heard a father say to his son, If you don’t like what’s happening, just
read the commentary. To my mind that’s great advice. Just being in a
place of worship with others and feeling that energy will begin to
lighten you. And if there is a call for an aliyah that you can participate
it, go up to the bimah and receive a blessing from the rabbi.

 

Also, do tashlich. And take it seriously. Find a flowing body of water,
and with every bit of bread you toss (as in many small bits, not just
dumping a was), make an affirmation about the changes you want in
your life. You can make these affirmations in the negative (e.g. I will
not eat any more sugar except on my birthday or at weddings.) or the
positive (e.g., I commit to getting a new job.) Take your time and dot
this ritual with a friend. Say your affirmations aloud and witness them
for one another.

 
Seriously consider getting a counselor, at least for six months. The
kind of turnaround you are talking about is a big life retrofit. It’s hard
to do that alone and even good friends should be able to be friends,
not to substitute for a trained professional. Most of us who have big
life issues to confront also have long-standing habits and emotional
patterns that are more than just superficial. Having someone on your
side who can help you look at your history and how you cope with it is
a wonderful gift. If money is a constraint, see if there are any sliding
scale clinics in your area. Often newly minted folks will work in those
kinds of places while they get their supervised hours under their belt.
Many are very devoted caring people. You can try to address this all
on your own. But having an ally is wonderful way to help yourself.

 

Finally, pray. You can do this in synagogue but also on walks on in
meditation. Try to make at least twenty minutes a day both morning
and evening to be quiet. If you don’t think you can do that, put on soft
music. But sit still and don’t fret about everything in your life you say
you want to change. Practice just being still and focus on your breath,
in and out and in and out If you believe in HaShem then ask for help
on the inhale and think Thanks on the exhale. Say you are ready to
turn things around and you want help, support, and guidance in any
form that it can be given to you. Give gratitude for what’s good in your
life. And try to be as kind to those around you as you would like them
to be to you. This is big important work. But by next year at this time
you should be well on your way. Good luck.