Category Archives: Dating

Preempted?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s the protocol when both you and a friend want to date the same
person? About a year ago I was told that a certain widow was
potentially ready for a relationship. I was a little cautious because she
has two pre-teen sons, one of whom was described as “a handful.” But
I made a point of attending adult ed classes she was in and
schmoozing her at onegs, generally seeing if there was any kind of
interest or if I was attracted enough to be willing to overcome a
potentially deal-killing pair of liabilities. Just as I was deciding to ask
her out, one of my closest friends said he was interested in her. He
said he’d been invited to a circle of giving at her house, and had been
impressed with various things about her. I mumbled something like,
Yeah I’ve been thinking the same, and we both glided away from the
topic. So now I’m not sure what to do. In reality they’re probably a
better fit, and he’s raised boys where I have not. But I’d like a chance
to find it if there’s any there there, plus she’s minus twenty pounds
lighter and more attractive.

Preempted?

 
Dear Preempted:

You’re not off the board, but I think your friend has the right to ask
her out before you do, simply by virtue of having spoken about her
aloud first. You do owe your friend an honest conversation. You can
say you’d been thinking about dating her also, but had wanted to give
her time to be ready to date. As in any negotiation, there’s no point
airing your concerns about her children, just in case your friend might
quote you (accurately or not) on their date.

 
After your convo, you should each call to ask her out, perhaps for
successive weekends. You can try to impress her with tickets for an
event, but I’ve generally favored the leisurely drinks and dinner with
sharing life stories as a great way to assess a potential relationship.
While you’re listening to her, keep a careful ear open to how she talks
about her kids. After you and our friend have each had a date with her,
go out for coffee and agree who’s more likely to give her a fair
shot at a real relationship. It sounds like she has enough on her hands
without being a trophy in some who can bed her first battle between
buddies, and is probably more worthy of someone who can see past
the superficials.

Happier Solo

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I twelve long hours yesterday with a man I have been quasi dating.
We’ve watched each go through divorces, have many mutual friends,
and are in a broad social circle of people our age, class, immigrants
from NYC, etc. We started going out for a movie/dinner/drinks without
being explicit that it was dating. I told my gal pals we were “sniffing
each other out.” This weekend was a big annual festival: art, music,
food, fun shopping. I had a terrible time. He walks very slowly, didn’t
want to see the same entertainment, complained a lot about what
things cost, and was generally an anchor around my neck. He also
didn’t pay me back for the ticket, but I would have gladly paid the
$15 not to have him with me. I thought we both knew it wasn’t
working out. Now he’s asked me to go to a similar event a few hours
away. I don’t want to keep dating let alone spend that much time
together.
Happier Solo

 
Dear Happier Solo:
What a bargain! You learned a lot. And $15 is pretty cheap for how
much time you saved figuring out he’s not the guy for you. Because
you travel in the same local circles you’ll need to back away slowly, in
a way that won’t make it uncomfortable when you’re in future social
situations. You might consider this was one bad day. But you make a
convincing case that he’s no one I’d want to spend that much time
with, let alone be locked in a car for a day together.

 
For future reference, it’s important to recognize people travel at
different speeds and have different tastes and preferences. It’s also
good to learn tolerance, especially if you invited him without setting
good ground rules or expectations. Those are, of course, frequently
misinterpreted or jettisoned, but always worth putting out before a full
day together, even with friends.  Politely decline the invitation and say
you already have plans. If it’s an event you want to go to on your own
you can say you’d planned to go with a different friend. Next time he
asks you to do something else, just blush politely and say: Actually, I
have a date. A few of those and he should get the message you’re                                  dating someone who’s not him. I doubt he’ll probe further. All in all,
you got off cheap.

Now What?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’ve been in a long-distance met-on- the-internet relationship for four
month. He bills himself as “very spiritual,” into “helping people build
their self-esteem.” He makes a living as a musician and author. He
complains about being short of money but hasn’t scrimped when we
get together. I’ve travelled to his place three times and he visited here
once. The rest has been lots of texting and phone. It got so good that
I said if he wanted to relocate, something he said he was thinking of
(which is why he said he was willing to date someone far away), that
he could stay with me until he got settled. I spoke too soon. Last night
he called, clearly drunk and very angry. I don’t know what set him off
but he spent thirty minutes telling me everything that was wrong
about me and my life, all the way down to how I should put my old cat
to sleep so I could come see him more often. I was so hurt.
Now What?

 
Dear Now What:
The question I’d be asking is now why? This guy sounds like a self-
important jerk, hardly someone worth spending a car ride to visit let
alone invite into your home as a live-in. For someone who claims to be
about self-esteem the only person whose ego seems to be important is
his own. I understand the common refrain that a good man is hard to
find. But in this case I think you’ve proven the rule, not the exception.
To do? Nothing for a few days. See if he calls, emails, or texts an
apology. It’s always tempting to make the first move when someone
does not. But anyone who drunkenly rants at another person at the
level you’re describing doesn&'t seem worthy of much of a second
chance. If he were local, sounded more viable, or you seemed much
more into him emotionally than you have described, I might counsel a
process of debriefing and trying again. But in this case, let well enough
alone and let him dry up and apologize. Then think very carefully
about why you’d go back for more. Low self-esteem can be a very
costly frame of mind.

Good Catch

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m a nice Jewish guy in my 40’s, only divorced once, with one adult
son in med school. I teach college math (tenured at a decent school),
am decent looking (not Hollywood handsome but reasonably featured),
in decent shape (neither gym buff nor overtly puffy). I own my own
home, have savings, can cook a decent meal, and am a person of good
character. All I want is to meet a nice Jewish woman who’s serious
about a possible relationship. I know it shouldn’t be hard, and I
definitely don’t have any problem meeting women. I have a problem
liking the women I meet. So many have low self-esteem, or are willing
to bend over backwards to accommodate what they think I want, that
I end up not respecting them. I don’t want to be “in charge” or an
emotional bully. I want to be with someone who is as comfortable with
herself as I am with myself, not an overly willing doormat. I’m even
willing to do personal ads, but I’m not sure how to communicate this
aspect of what I am looking for.
Good Catch

 
Dear Good Catch:
You certainly don’t appear to lack self-confidence, but I’ll assume your
self-assessment is accurate and comprehensive. Everyone, man or
woman, deserves to be with someone who likes, appreciates, and
respects them. You don’t say how much time and energy you invest in
potential dates before you decide they don’t meet your high standard.
But for the sake of the rejected women, I’ll assume that you
communicate gently about why you don’t think it’s a good fit. At a
minimum, try to explain what you’re looking for in simple, non-
judgmental terms.

 

Though I’ve always thought it a strangely
compressed and highly stressful version of reality, you might be
exactly the kind of person that speed dating was designed for.
I’d write a personal ad that summarizes who you are very simply,
enough to state the obvious: college prof, owns home, mid-40s,
decent-looking, fiscally sound wants to meet a woman who likes
herself and the way she looks. Friendship, relationship, see what
happens. No doormats need apply please. I want to meet someone
who likes herself as much as I do. Sound like you?

 

PS to readers: No I won’t give you this writer’s email address. Read
your J-date or local personals.

Out of Control

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m newly in love. It’s been a long time (five years since my divorce)
and I have forgotten how completely addictive it is to have your heart,
mind, and body so captivated by another person. I have zero attention
span at work, check my email and text messages more often every
hour than I’ll admit even to you, and have daydreams and fantasies
that would make a sailor blush. I’ve dated some since my divorce, and
even had a three-month relationship with someone who turned out to
be married (!?!) but this guy seems like the real meal deal. I’m in my
40’s and know better than to live together too soon or anything like
that. But how can I get myself back in emotional balance?
Out of Control

 
Dear Out of Control:
I’m not a scientist but I do recall reading somewhere that when people
are newly in love there’s biology at work. Your body releases a
different set of hormones, ones designed to make you want to have
lots of sex. That’s nature’s way of encouraging reproduction, aka the
survival of the species. As Cole Porter said, Birds do it. Bees do it.
Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.

 
Unless you have a different, life-threatening, reason to have your
personal email open at work, don’t have it on your screen. Ditto your
smart phone. Save those maybe pleasures (or disappointments, for
breaks, lunch, and after work. It’ll also save you the embarrassment of
a coworker ready your email. Be careful what you say. Fantasies can
easily turn into metaphors, and you may find yourself inadvertently
saying something that’d be inappropriate or awkward at work. Once
the clock strikes 5:00, you’re on your own time and you can daydream
all you like. But if you’re behind the wheel, better to listen to the news
until you make it home.

Single and Looking

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a big crush on the boss’s assistant and I’d like to ask her out.
Should I check in with the boss first — not that she’s his “property”
but just to make sure it wouldn’t be weird?
Single and Looking

 
Dear Single/Looking:
Crushes are almost always dangerous, at work or not. The big zap
usually has a big come down. But they’re also hard to shake without
another object of affection on the horizon. I am going to give you a
30,000-foot view first and then narrow into your circumstances. Some
of what I’m gonna say is true for everyone, no matter they work, from
a big-box warehouse store to a brokerage. Other parts will be specific
to your immediate circumstances, but only you’ll know what those are.
Think about what you do when you use a crate to train a puppy: you
make sure the dog won’t poop where it sleeps. Sure it’s hard to meet
people when you work full time; but it’s also silly to potentially
endanger your job by dating someone who may have the ear of the
person who controls your paycheck.

 

Check the company personnel
policies. See if there are specific policies that set guidelines on inter-
office dating, for example, not among people who supervise one
another. Then ask the Human Resources director if there are other
policies. A lot, btw, depends on whether your office is 200 people or
five. Either way the woman will have a network of gal pals with whom
she’ll share much of what you tell her (in early dating stories) and
perhaps even intimate details (if this progresses). Do you really lust
for zero privacy?

 
My vote, go out for coffee or something casual after work (Hey do you
want to grab a bite or a brew?), a casual could-be- friendship-and-
nothing-more, somewhere between collegial and a date. If, after not
during your hour/two together, you are genuinely interested, ask her
what she thinks about office romances. If she’s not completely
opposed to them (read that, if she likes you) go out for coffee again.
Agree on rules, saying it will protect you both. You have to assume it
will end badly, not because I am sure from here, but look at the odds
of romance and even marriage.

 

Also, be careful what you say in
emails. That’s not to say things cannot be misquoted/misattributed.
Remember she’s closer to the boss than you are, so handle that
communication carefully. You can say something casual to the boss, I
really like Sally; we’re going to start dating. Wish me luck. But mostly
it’ll make him watch you and her more carefully. My gut tells me                                  you’re walking too close to a land mine; isn’t there someone in the
mailroom you like? Sign me Cautious Cynic, or Seen This Show and It
Usually Ends Badly. Write me in six months if you’re dating and I’ll eat
this advice.

Not Really That Edgy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I almost had an affair. The ex-lover of one of my good friends, who
moved here to take a new job, is incredibly intelligent, charming, and
fun. He’s also self-centered, and used to getting what he wants from
almost everyone, women or men. We flirted for weeks, made out
passionately, but at the last minute I chickened out of more.
Something scared me, at a movie of the week level. There was an
intensity about his sexuality that scared me, in a lurid way, made me
want to run for garlic and a holy book. I gave him goodwill-bound
furniture and when he didn’t say thanks I wrote him to say goodbye,
that he was just too self- centered. He just left me a voicemail saying,
It’s been three months, I miss you, I was wrong; meet me for dinner and
a good talk, my treat. Part of me misses him, because most of the
people in my life pale by comparison. The rest of me says run to say
no. How do I decide?
Not Really That Edgy

 
Dear Not Edgy:
I’m not a fan of violent movies, but like the rest of the audience I
know the pretty coed should not – repeat Not Not Not – enter the
spooky abandoned house alone, no matter how curious she is or
important it seems. So I’m telling you: listen to your gut. I don’t know
from vampires, ghosts, or dybbuks. But I do know that the risk of
being assaulted by a mortal weirdo is much higher than it should be. If
your body and soul are giving you strong warning signals, you should
listen and obey.

 
If you feel an obligation for closure, meet for coffee in a public place,
talk about your full life, and put any lingering feelings to rest. But be
prepared for a full-on assault of charm. Have plans to meet a friend
right after, and don’t make plans to see this guy again. If you live
alone, and you get the feeling that the guy may be a stalker, consider
investing in an alarm system. I’m not trying to make you scared. But I
am trying to tell you to listen to your own inner alarm system, and not                                to put yourself at risk for someone who sounds like an arrogant
narcissist.

Desperate

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m a 21 premed student. The moment I saw Abby I was in love. I
knew that this was the girl I wanted to spend my life with. Things went
well and progressed. We talked every day (we live an hour apart) and
were dating a month later. She is three years younger, and was
worried about her mother so we kept the relationship secret for a few
months. I made many romantic gestures (like leaving flowers on her
car). When I did meet her parents, they really liked me, enough to
invite me to their upcoming wedding anniversary dinner. Abby and I
spoke about a future together, kids and a life. She’s my Jewish
princess.

 

Then tragedy struck. A child she had grown up next door
died in a car wreck; two days later Abby fainted and started feeling ill.
She said she needed to take some time to focus on her. I have not
been able to sleep since this happened. I want her back I only have
one chance to do so. I am willing to do what ever it takes to try.
Desperate

 
Dear Desperate:
Desperate indeed. I understand you have fallen in love. But I am less
clear that she has. She is 18 and has suffered a shock plus is sick. Cut
her some slack. It is of course possible that she’s using these events
to create some distance from you beyond the hour that you live apart.
But assuming that she too took the relationship seriously, and
contemplated having a life with you, she is just getting out of high
school and you have med school and internship/residency ahead of
you. That’s a very long haul to adulthood for both of you, so it seems
premature to assume you’re going to mate for life and live happily
ever after based on a few months of dating.

 
Give Abby the space she’s clearly asking for. Showing her respect is a
necessary condition for a successful relationship. You can email or text
her regularly, and call when she says she’s receptive. You can mail
(yes old fashioned snail mail!) cards or small gifts. You should let her
clearly know the ball is in her court to initiate time together, but that                                  you think about her and care about her. Ask her how you can best
help her with the various issues she’s grappling with. Then heed what
she says. Don’t become a pest or a stalker. You cannot will someone
to love you. You can only earn it by being the sincerely loving and
caring your man that you profess to be. If it’s right, she’ll come
around, and you’ll have plenty of time to make a go of it. Don’t rush
her or the process.

(Newly) Popular

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I am 48 and recently started internet dating. I had not dated since the disastrous
end of my second marriage four years ago from a drinking womanizer who spent
me into bankruptcy. Needless to say I felt like I never wanted to be with anyone
ever again. But I thought I might be ready. Two guys responded to my profile.
Actually more did but they were the only ones I could imagine meeting. One keeps
telling me how “cute” I am, brings me flowers and chocolate, takes me out to
lunch, and talks all about himself. He hasn’t asked me more than two questions
about me in four dates. The other one is much quieter, but I like him. He’s not
flashy but it feels more equal when we are together. He’s happy taking a walk or
just having a cup of coffee. I feel like I have to work a little harder to get him
going, but once he does we have good talks. Should I date them both, or
concentrate on one, and if just one, which one? I like the excitement but I don’t
know if I like him enough.
(Newly) Popular

 
Dear Popular:
People who are stuck on themselves during dating rarely turn into kind and
considerate husbands later. The flashy guy may have the form down tight,
probably from lots of experience wooing, but he’s working the process the wrong
way. Better to learn you from the inside out than the outside in. Chocolates and
flowers are fun. What gal doesn’t want to feel special? But unless he’s interested
in the real you , why would you give your time or heart away.
I’d dump the self-obsessed one on all grounds, then focus on the nice guy. It’ll
give you good practice dating. Also, if he turns out to be a caring considerate
man. Maybe you’ve found yourself a potential mate who will add to your quality of
life, not diminish it. If you find that underneath the quiet is someone who’s too
much like your ex, run like hell. No mater what, if it does get serious, protect
yourself this time with separate credit cards and really good ground rules about
what consequences bad behaviors will trigger. But if he is indeed a caring gentle
man, hooray and allow yourself to trust and love again.