Category Archives: Love & Relationships

Ready

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been divorced for two months. We live in a no-fault state but the
sad reality is that both of us were at fault in various ways. We became
used to being unkind to one another, and had retaliatory affairs: I
slept with someone at work and after she found out she did the same.
We said we would forget and try to forget. But there was too much
acrimony. Frankly even living in an apartment is better than the last
two years of tension, because I don’t have to worry the TV is going to
erupt into a frenzy and start yelling at me. But I am starting to get
bored and am ready to date. I’m a mid-40’s nice guy, with a steady
income, decent enough looking, and if you ask anyone other than my
wife, a decent sort of fellow to spend time with, have a drink, and get
to know. Do you have any good tips on starting over?

Ready

 
Dear Ready:

You don’t say how long you have actually been divorced. While the last
phases of a dying relationship are very often filled with acrimony and
emotional pain, they also are not be best places to lay a solid basis for
healing and preparing yourself for your new next life. A new place to
live is a start, and your basic info about yourself makes you seem like
you could be a decent catch eventually (infidelity notwithstanding,
though perhaps you’ve learned the lesson). But “ready” happens with
more than just elapsed time.

 
Some useful things to remember are the importance of cleaning out
emotionally as well as changing your physical reality. That could
include counseling as well as journaling, talking to friends and other
divorced folks (not in the griping, “she done me wrong” way. It also
means taking more alone time than you might think you want. It helps
with reflection and really understanding what you miss about relationship
other than physical intimacy. Make a point of being in varied social situations,
from potential dating meet-up places to classes and dinner parties. Get used
to being around people you do not know. I strongly suggest waiting until you’re
clear who you are becoming before choosing your next partner. If you don’t,
odds are high that you’ll repeat the mistakes of the past.

Lost

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I had a disastrous year last year. I married too quickly someone I met
on the internet. I quit a great job and relocated to another city. All of
course with great fanfare because who does not wish a 50-year old
woman well after she has been single for fifteen years. He turned to be
an abuser who raided my savings account and almost drove me to the
loony bin. I moved back home but have barely been out of my rental
(a secluded cottage on the property of a close friend). I’ve lost twenty
pounds, look like crap, and am still very afraid of trusting anyone,
especially my own instincts. I have very tentatively begun to contact
people, very much motivated by the need to find a job. But even my
counselor agrees that I am probably not ready to rejoin society until I
stop shaking at loud noises. Do you have any good advice about how
to answer people who greet me delighted to see me, take in my
condition, and expect me to tell them the story?

Lost

 
Dear Lost:

Your situation calls for a two-pronged approach: verbal and non-
verbal. For people you genuinely care about, tell them the truth, either
in person or on the phone. Not the so-help- me-God truth with all the
gory details, but the general truth in a way that they feel included in
your process and compassionate about your situation. You’ll know
what boundaries to set after you do this a few times. The risk is that
you spill too much and people pass on the details, so I’d encourage
that you use your vulnerability and let them see fragility and tears,
more than too many words. That’ll engage most people’s desire to help
and quell their desire to gossip.

 
For others, print up the equivalent of a 3×5 card that you can carry
and hand people as you say: It’s been a really rough year. I don’t
want to talk about the details. Here’s the mini-summary. And on the
card have a very short list that says: I made a lousy choice too
quickly. I had a horrific experience. I am trying to get back on my feet.
I need help networking for a decent job. If you know of one, email me
and I’ll forward my resume. If people press for me, plead an
appointment and leave. They’ll get the hint, or should.

Bait and Switch

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I finally joined match.com after being single (widowed) for five years.
I’d been relying on meeting folks on my own, the fix-up kindness of
friends, and dumb luck. It worked for a while and I met some decent
guys, had some lovely dates, and several short-term relationships.
But I’m in my 60s and time is getting away from me so I see every
month I don’t meet some viable or at least new prospects as time
passing me by. I made contact with someone in a city less than an
hour from here and at least online we seemed to have some things in
common, though he’s nine years younger and more active outdoors.
But when I was relating this to one of my friends (also single) I
realized they might be perfect together because they’re both land-use
attorneys. Is it too weird or possible to accomplish this:

Bait and Switch

 
Dear Bait and Switch:

Send an email to suggest the idea. But be sure to keep yourself as
part of the equation, in part to legitimize the suggestion and because
you never know whether you or your friend (or neither) will be a
better fit with the current prospect. Try this:

Hi – I’m still interested in connecting for in-person hello, but this email
has a twist. I had dinner last night with a friend/neighbor named
_____ ________ and as I was updating her on my exploratory
adventures with online dating I realized that you and she might make
a great combo. She&'s very smart (education), very cute (see attached
jpg), closer to your age (___), I also practices land-use law, very
funny/bright, interested in books and movies, and much more physical
than I am. She hasn&'t done the cyber-hello process and I suggested
that I could just shoot you an email with her contact info and you
could decide if you wanted to get to know her better. From what little
you and I have exchanged, and my gut instincts, I think it would be a
good connection for both of you. Her email is _______@xyz.com. So if
a two-fer is bait enough to visit,. I can offer food/drink, because I&'m
still open to meeting. And you can connect with _____ and see if
there&'s a match. My gut says yes. Then see what happens.

Scared for Her

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My single friend turned fifty last December and started
acting like she’s got one year to live, though as far as I
know her health is fine. She cut her hair and wears it brassy
blonde and spiky. She walks around in clothes a teenager
with new breasts might be proud of. The very scary part:
She’s started visiting sex clubs for “fun and recreation.”
Having never been to one, I have to assume what she’s told
me is true. I’m not a prude; I understand consensual adults
can do as they please. But in the context of her other
changes I’m worried about her. She’s currently “dating”
three separate guys, one of whom is 15 years younger,
another married, and a third part of a swinging couple she
“play with.” Do I say something or keep my mouth shut?

Scared for Her

 
Dear Scared for Her:

This falls into the ask don’t tell category of advice. If you
just come out and say You’re acting like a sex-starved
teenaged and I am scared for you, she’ll feel judged and
likely ignore everything you say. Even a question, couched
as, What the hell is going on? will get the same response. So
tread lightly and with an abundance of caring, knowing that
if you don’t like her answers you’re likely to back away from
the friendship a little  or a lot.

 
Meet her in a place you’d feel comfortable talking about
personal matters. Say you’ve known her for __ years and
have noticed a sharp change in her behavior and looks since
her birthday. You can observe that from where you sit it
looks like a mid-life crisis but you don’t know what’s going
on for her. Start and end with I care but I’m concerned, not
about the change in her looks (which you should compliment
even if it is insincere) but in her dating behaviors. In
addition to issues of safety, you want to make sure she’s
given it all appropriate thought. Can she enlighten you?
Then listen and prepare to end with, That’s interesting. I’ll
try and look from your perspective. It sounds like there’s
very little she can say that’ll change your mind. But if you
back off at least she’ll understand why.

Ooops

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m young and yes occasionally stupid. I ran with a party crowd in
college but now am living more simply. I have a good job and was in a
five-year relationship but realized it was too confining.. Two of the
friends from my old crowd got married last weekend, My ex showed up
at the wedding and I got totally flustered. I decided to get hammered,
which was the first time in forever that I remember being that drunk. I
ended up spending the night (and yes having sex) with a friend who
seemed just fine when I was drunk but I do NOT want to get more
involved with. He’s already texted me three times and wants to get
together again this weekend. Is there a polite way of saying that I
want things to go back to the way they were? I like him fine as a
friend, but he’s still into partying and I’m not that kind of girl any
more.

Ooops

 
Dear Ooops:

It’s not surprising that he assumes you haven’t changed because
nothing that you have said in your question would indicate that you
have, other than that you have a job. In his mind you are ready to get
drunk and go home with him. Of course he’s dialing for more. Words
are one thing to use, but actions speak much more loudly. You can
follow the advice below, but if you backtrack and end up in bed with
him again, he’s not going to believe you when you say No thanks a
second time.

 
In the olden days, when I was young and dating, we would have said,
Boy was I drunk last night! That didn’t excuse our behaviors but it did
imply that we were not planning to continue them as a regular
practice. Best would be to thank him for a lovely evening, but say you
don’t want to repeat it, soon or ever. Explain that after a decent
interval has passed you might be interested in dinner and a movie with
him, but you aren’t planning on drinking too much and sleeping with
him again. Friendship is all you want. Then make that true.

Crowded Out

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My life hasn’t turned out how I thought it would. I’m 58 and five years
divorced. I got taken to the cleaners financially by a husband who’d
not only cheated on me but rang up ten years of debts financing his
new life. He ended up with a world full of toys and money he’d
stashed; I got the bills. I found a small home to rent but still needed a
roommate. After a terrifying parade of inappropriate applicants, who
were scary and/or loathsome in varied dimensions, I connected
accidentally with a woman I’d known years ago who was also divorced
and enrolled in a nursing program. It seemed like a match made in
heaven. But in the four days since she’s moved in she has re-
organized or moved around all of my things. She’s bossy and
borderline abusive like my ex. I didn’t go through all this just to end
up in a similar place. And yes her name is on the lease now too.

Crowded Out

 
Dear Crowded Out:

Unless you have a relationship with the landlord that allows you to
have some kind of “first” status on the lease, you’re probably stuck
with Ms. Control for some period of time. Without actual bodily harm I
don’t think there’s room for an external intervention. You could talk to
the landlord to assess your options, and you could consider either
moving or asking the roomie to move. But those are extreme
responses.

 
As a precursor to the dramatic, and as good warning steps for the next
round of roommate search, start with some serious conversations
about House Rules. These can be everything from who gets what share
of the frig, bathroom and kitchen etiquette, arrangement of furniture,
hours for TV/radio sounds on/off other than headphones, when chore
like vacuuming, laundry, and lawn-mowing are performed, and who
cleans which rooms how often, as well as boundaries around overnight
visitors. Even if you didn’t do this first, do it now, and try to agree that
if the arrangement doesn’t work, one of you will relocate. Sadly this
might end up being you. But you deserve a peaceful home. So don’t
be pushed around without standing up for what you need.

No Heat

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Is there any nice way to say “Thanks but I’m not interested in you in
that way?” I started dating someone very nice whom I met on a dating
site. In theory we have a lot in common that should make us want to
hook up: similar age, both Jewish, intelligent, funny, similar life
history. I like her and it is clear she is interested in me. She’s gotten
into a habit of almost daily texting or emailing, and has given me
many invitations to do things in the future. I think she’s a very nice
person whom I might want as a friend, if I was looking for more
friends. But when I think of a life in which she never again appeared, I
don’t feel any sense of sadness and when I am with her, I don’t feel
any desire to kiss her. It’s been almost two months and it feels like we
should clarify where we are. Should I initiate a “Yes, but”
conversation, or just let things gradually drift away?

No Heat

 
Dear No Heat:

There’s no substitute for “chemistry” and virtually no way of predicting
what will trigger it. Some people think they have a “type” but they
don’t go trailing after every woman with red hair and/or great legs.
Chemistry is an elusive but powerful factor in any incipient
relationship. You can’t substitute for it with an intellectual delineation
of reasons why. Sad but true. Also note that if the chemistry is too
strong it can lead your “picker” astray in lots of bad ways, and you
might fall for exactly a wrong person. Most of us have learned that
lesson the hard way. But there’s very little antidote for the absence of
heat and mystery.

 
All of that said, don’t give up without at least a kiss or two. Compatible
partners are hard to find, and while heat’s great as a springboard,
successful partnerships work best and longest with a solid basis of
communality. By starting a conversation with, We seem to have a lot
in common. Have you thought about taking the next step? You are
almost dooming the response. The key word is “thought.” Instead, a
kiss, after some preliminary handholding, would obviate the question.
How about a scary or sentimental movie that might lead to some
hand- holding, an arm around the shoulder, and a goodnight kiss.
Then see if you want to talk or touch.

Readier Than She Is

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

A fix-up/new friend and I were checking each other out for a few
months. It started out gangbusters, lots to talk about, chatter chatter
chatter. Then she went away on a trip. When she got back it took a
month or so to find our sea legs again, but I figured, hey, she’s been
gone and it takes time. We went out on a few dates and it was all very
proper, though we did mutually agree that we were attracted to one
another, just not in any rush to jump into anything, bed included.

 

As the months went on the desire to see one another seemed to wane,
but frankly there’s simply no one around I am even remotely
interested in and I have never and don’t think I would ever be willing
to do internet dating. Lately all the conversation has been around her
hassles at work, dreams of retirement, and gardening. Yesterday she
sounded annoyed that I called. I don’t feel that she’s particularly
interested in me, or even finding whatever zip there was in the
beginning. Push or let her go?

Readier Than She Is

 
Dear Readier than She Is:

I have two very simple rules for people who are looking to date.
Repeat them a few times and see what sounds familiar. First, I only
want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Two, I don’t have
to be with someone just because s/he wants to be with me. Anyone
who passes those two is worth investing some time into, at least to
see if there’s enough mutual interest for things to heat up, not cool
down. Rule three, you get to choose and woo, but remember the other
person has the same options.

 
In this case, I’d send a email that goes roughly as follows. Dear Name:
Are you okay? When we spoke you sounded tired and distracted. If it
was a passing mood, then perhaps I am over-reading. I hope it is
nothing more. But it felt deeper. I do miss more substantive
conversations beyond how&'s work or garden, but we seem to have
drifted into a different, flatter direction. That&'s fine if it&'s conscious,
and I get that your current priorities are work and soil. But it&'s felt
weird not to acknowledge the change. I don&'t have any should in mind,
but there are few enough people I meet that I&'m actually engaged by,
so having things fade to blah seems like a waste. Then see how she
jumps

Finally Lonely

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have been single for five years. I think I’ve worked out most of the
things that went wrong in my marriage and a subsequent long
relationship. Yes I made some of the same mistakes the second time.
But since then I have been in counseling, have shifted some of my
priorities, and have finally decided to start dating. I know there’s
speed dating, internet dating, and personals beyond telling friends
what I am looking for. I actually posted a profile and a picture but the
only people who seem to be approaching me feel far less than what I
am looking for, and I’m not sure I want to reach out to someone I
don’t know. Do you have a strategy that works and is safe?

Finally Lonely

 
Dear Lonely:

Being willing to talk to people you don’t know is a pre-requisite for
dating. It’s always safer and easier to rely on fix-ups from friends, or
meeting people at synagogue, in classes, at volunteer groups, or other
places where you know there’s mutual interests and other folks who
might be able to vouch for them. But times have changed and,
especially in our cocooning culture, many people meet online.

 

Craft your version of this sample text, or change it completely, and
post it with a decent picture of yourself for three months. I’m new at
internet dating. I’ve been out of relationship long enough to know
what I don’t want to do again, and to be ready to meet another
grown-up aged x-y. I’m interested in meeting people who are a,b,c,
and interested in sharing ideas about d,e,f, and whatever works well
between us. I&'m looking for someone who loves my best qualities and
tolerates my worst ones with patience and humor. I have no agenda
about what or who is a right next, but open to a coffee date to see if
we feel like it’s worth exploring more. If you&'re interested, please send
me an email. Meet only in a public place, preferably with a friend
lurking nearby to make sure things are okay. Write me again if you
have no luck.

Room At the Inn, or Not?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I converted to Judaism two years ago, after being in a very profound
relationship for two years. The first time I went to synagogue and
heard the music I was moved to tears. It was like I’d come home. The
music was like nothing I could have imagined and everything I ever
believed religion to be. I’d been a lapsed Catholic for decades. We
were together for another year but are now divorced and I have
moved. Some of her friends have asked to stay with me during a
shabbaton that a visiting rabbi is conducting at my synagogue. I like
them. I want to be nice, but I’m also afraid all my carefully healed hurt
places will burst wide open and I don’t want them reporting back to
my ex that I am a mess.

Room At the Inn, or Not?

 
Dear Room at the Inn:

The kind of scars you’re talking about might rip open even years from
now, depending on how much you loved your ex and how your life
develops from now on. You cannot insulate yourself from feelings, nor
should you. If she were asking to come stay with you, I’d give you
different counsel. But if the prospective guests are people you are
generally comfortable with, and you feel safe having them in your
home other than the aforementioned emotional issues, I think you
should do so. You should not have to dissemble about what shape
you’re in emotionally. If it really was a deep and long-lasting
relationship, still being emotionally vulnerable is a tribute to your ex.
But neither should you spill your guts to her friends, act desperate
about getting back together, or otherwise expect that their visit is a
backdoor conduit to a reconciliation.

 
Be joyous that you found Judaism through your ex. Among other
things, the shabbaton should give you a deeper sense of your
connection with your new life, and help solidify the motional resilience
you will need to move forward into your future. Heal and stay open.
There’s lots of wonderful single Jewish women who’d appreciate a
loving soul to connect with. But don’t rush into a relationship until you
are ready to consider the new person on her own merits. Anyone who
is constantly being compared to an ex will soon tire of it, and of you.

Gunshy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I am about three months into dating on the internet and
thought I had met someone to date, but to start out as
friends. Read friends = f.r.i.e.n.d.s., not anything more until
I knew if I liked him enough. We emailed a couple times and
then had a phone conversation. In the conversation, after
some niceties and schmoozing, we each communicated our
deal breakers. I was pretty clear and articulate (or so I
thought) that I only wanted to start out slow, and probably
wouldn’t live together with someone until we’d been in
relationship for several years.

 

In our sharing of relationship history I disclosed that as a
professional I’d made more than both of my ex-husbands,
and among other reasons why the marriages didn’t work
was they each had decided to stop working full-time and the
discrepancy between me earning and them spending eroded
both equality and respect. Now it turns our that Mr. Wants to
Be Next says he lost his whole portfolio in the big bust of 2008
and thinks that if we live together we’ll fall in love. My instinct
is to flee. Am I right?

Gunshy

 
Dear Gunshy:

Yes = Y.E.S!! You are right to want to shut down this prospective
suitor before you get more involved or, at the risk of sounding too
overly cautious, before you reveal too much personal information.
Generally people who are looking for a place to live are also very
charming storytellers. They can spin a hard luck tale into the kind of
sob story you might feel guilty not responding to. That response might
be a small “loan’’ to help him “get back on his feet and get a better
place” or some other sign of a commitment you are under absolutely
no obligation to feel let alone follow through on.

 

 

I’d counsel making two lists. These are for you, and you don’t need to
share them with any prospective date before you want to. But they
should be the list of Must Haves and Must Not Have qualities. Repeat
after me as often as you need to: It is okay for me to choose. I do not
have to date someone just because that person expresses interest in
me. If it feels familiar in a way that makes me want to run fast and
far, listen to my instincts. I can do better. It’s all true.

Not Really Sorry

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I got divorced seven years ago, Our former best friends, who also had
a son the same age as ours, got divorced two years ago. I found out
this afternoon from my son that the friend ex I spend a long time
listening to and counseling during the process was having a holiday
party and had invited my spousal ex, my son, and her own ex, BUT
NOT ME!! I saw red and got into a very nasty mood. I called her about
an hour before my son said the party was starting “just to say hi.” And
also because I was in a B-word mood and pressing her buttons to see
if she would apologize, invite me, or ???? When she didn’t answer I left
a message saying, “Have a nice party.” Mostly I blame my spousal ex
for having had me blackballed. Let it go or apologize for the nasty call?

Not Really Sorry

 
Dear Not Sorry:

Clearly your spousal ex holds more sway with the hostess than you do.
And your son, being mannered, wasn’t going to reject an invitation he
had already said yes to. Among my questions, would you have gone if
the invitation had been legit? Or would you have asked who else was
coming and demurred when you heard your spousal ex would be
attending?

 
Since you cannot know if the hostess told any (or every) one about
your message, a polite follow up is in order, if only for the social
proprieties, though I’d counsel something more substantive. Either
way I’d wait for a time you are pretty sure she won’t be home. If you
prefer the former, just say, I was feeling hurt when I left the last
message. Sorry. A more honest one would say basically, I felt hurt and
insulted that you had the party without even telling me you had a
quandary to resolve. I feel like I was there for you when you needed
me and now you are treating me as somehow disposable. Lets meet
and talk about our friendship. And then leave the ball in her court to
get ball to you. If she does, be clear about what you want in your
future friendship, including if, in the future, you would ask the same of
her that your spousal ex did.

Still Blushing

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I started dating someone a month ago. Or maybe we’re just going to
be friends. Neither of us is in a rush for sexuality, though for different
reasons. I did invite her to a holiday sing-along at one of my friends’
houses. In the inevitable who are you, what do you do, who do you
know conversations, she named a former ex of mine as her neighbor.
This woman and I have a very torrid relationship. Fifty shades of
drama and reconciliation. We parted ways on mutually bad terms and I
haven’t kept track of her. I like the new woman a lot and really want
to be given a fair chance of being a decent partner for her. Do I
confess about the past with her neighbor or let things evolve until it
becomes common knowledge?

Still Blushing

 
Dear Blushing:

At whatever point the neighbor sees you or your new honey mentions
you, she will have to make a choice. You won’t be able to control that,
and if you try and do so you’re more likely to raise enmity and bad
memories. By bringing up the troubled past to the new flame you open
the door to conversations that are ahead of your interpersonal
timeline. I say, ignore the proximity and develop the current
relationship as best you can.

 
When your ex realizes who her neighbor is dating she may try to
defame you in some way. But hopefully by that point you will have
enough good history and positive chits in the relationship that she’ll
have the sense to write off the bad stories as a old chapter in your life
that’s now closed. If not, and she asks you, tell a truth that’s palatable
to you and honest enough to sound credible. Say that it was a storm
und drung relationship and you’re no longer into being or attracting
drama queens. Then hope the new honey believes you. Ultimately she
will have to trust her own perceptions ahead of those of the neighbor.
Or you’ll end up dating in a different part of town.

Once Burned…..

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been single for several years. I’d been in a serious relationship
that fell apart when I realized my partner had been self-medicating a
serious depression for a long time. It’s not that he didn’t talk about his
problems. In fact, that’s mostly what he talked about. But he was
secretly drinking and taking pills at a rate that would have felled a
lesser man. I tried to get him to go into counseling, rehab, or a 12-
step program, all of which he refused. So I ended the relationship.
Now I have started dating someone new and I am seeing symptoms
that scare me, but I cannot tell if I am just suspicious because of my
prior experience. We agreed not to dissect our pasts in the first three
months. Should I say something now, wait, ????

Once Burned…..

 
Dear Burned:

There’s a difference between not talking about ex’s or why previous
relationships fell apart and not talking about something that would be
an immediate deal-killer to how the two of you are relating now. Even
business contracts have cancellation clauses so it’s not like you must
stay in this relationship for the full three months in order to have a
discussion about medical or substance abuse issues. You have a
choice about relating your personal and relationship history with these
topics as part of the discussions, but do not wait to bring up the
subject.

 
I’d start with something like this: I’ve noticed that I respond with
concern, apprehension, and curiosity when I see you do x, y, z.
(Notice so far this is in “I” statements, as most counselors suggest.
Hard to do but often suggested.) Are these things you’re ready to talk
about or am I misreading something? Then see how he responds and
how you respond to how he speaks and acts. The bottom line on the
relationship will always rest on good communications over troublesome
topics, no matter how well you enjoy the good times. No one deserves
to have the shadow of an ex looming over their future happiness. That
means you or him.

Single and Ready

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I met someone I like but I’m not sure how to proceed. We met at a
tenth anniversary party of mutual friends. He’s from the office of the
wife; I know the husband from college (and yes we dated until he met
her, a much better fit). I was seated next to the prospective datee at
the restaurant. Both husband and wife deny it was a fix-up but
honestly it doesn’t matter. He was intelligent, charming, and funny. He
has a job, a home, and a child from a first marriage. So do I. Should I
wait for him to call, suggest we do something together with the kids,
or invite him on an actual date?

Single and Ready

 
Dear Single and Ready:

Congrats on meeting a likely datee. And yes, denial or not, happy
people like having happy coupled friends. So be thankful and also
consider using the connection. Relay to the husband that you liked his
wife’s colleague. Ask if he knows if he is single (a critical piece of info).
That inquiry will get to the wife faster than the speed of light. Then
wait a little while. How long? A few days to a week.

 
If you have heard nothing, ask the husband for the likely’s phone or
email. If he’s in a relationship or otherwise not interested in you, now’s
the time the husband will have to gulp and tell you. But assuming you
don’t get shot down at the starting gate, connect with him via email,
FaceBook, or phone. Note, leaving a message while he’s at work may
feel safer but the child is an unknown variable. I’d suggest emailing an
invite such as this: It was fun talking to you at A and B’s party. If
you’re up for a movie and dinner sometime, let me know. Then go
back to waiting. If he’s interested you should get a response within a
week. Even if it is, My life’s jammed right now but yes I’d like to in the
future, you should not feel like you overextended. Dating is always a
little crazy-making and leads to feeling vulnerable. But he comes with
good references, so give it a shot.